Amazing what a dichotomy life can be.
I have not felt this energized, this anxious to wake up and seize the cliched day, to take the time to wear earrings of length and change the day's purse out, eyeliner and all, since my last relationship first began. Then, as I lay my head on the pillow at night, I knew the morning would hold something unexpected and amazing and spectacularly different. Our new site has handed this to me in a way I could not possibly have anticipated one week ago. Admittedly I cannot spoon it at night the way this needy woman is prone to doing, but it sure is a nice relationship for a single girl to hold onto right now. It suits me.
But the other side of the coin is tarnished, a sure sign that something isn't quite right. For the last two days back pains have crept up from the depths I successfully relegated them to in late spring. I am eating. I am eating not because I am quitting my Marlboros or find myself in the claws of a depressive episode or on a pre-first-weigh-in WW binge, but rather because I am awake. In the Kris Handbook of Things You Should Know Before You Marry Her (and 101 Other Neuroses), this falls in the Top 10 (and may or may not be bolded, and possibly underlined), and is generally followed by commands akin to Poison Control Warnings. The alert is out.
I should also probably admit that I couldn't stop crying in the Sentra today. (Anyone who references my last post with rolled eyes and a "duh!" warrants immediate revocation of blogroll privileges. YOU IN THE BACK! What did I say, young lady???) Off the bat I mislead you, sweet reader, by terming it crying; it was more of that heavy weeping that involves both forward shoulder rolls and asthmatic kindergartener wheezing. Because this was the year that everything changed - breath - he didn't come back and the pain was unbearable and that must have meant - breath - something about me just wasn't and isn't good enough and may never be for anyone - breath - and my father is so very ill and my car failed inspection three times this month and AM I NOT JUST SUPPOSED TO FEEL CHEER AND BE FILLED WITH GOD'S LOVE RIGHT NOW? - breaaaaaaath -
It's quite possible that even the crickets were crying.
I'm chalking it up to the holidays. To routine end-of-year taking stock. To the soundtracked emotional montage that runs through a worried mind just as the multimedia ode to the dead does at the Oscars. To a lack of good television during this week that every soul on the planet is seeking nothing but distracting entertainment while they wrap everyone else's gifts or get drunk on cooking wine or endure the homophobia of Uncle Phil.
I have not felt this energized, this anxious to wake up and seize the cliched day, to take the time to wear earrings of length and change the day's purse out, eyeliner and all, since my last relationship first began. Then, as I lay my head on the pillow at night, I knew the morning would hold something unexpected and amazing and spectacularly different. Our new site has handed this to me in a way I could not possibly have anticipated one week ago. Admittedly I cannot spoon it at night the way this needy woman is prone to doing, but it sure is a nice relationship for a single girl to hold onto right now. It suits me.
But the other side of the coin is tarnished, a sure sign that something isn't quite right. For the last two days back pains have crept up from the depths I successfully relegated them to in late spring. I am eating. I am eating not because I am quitting my Marlboros or find myself in the claws of a depressive episode or on a pre-first-weigh-in WW binge, but rather because I am awake. In the Kris Handbook of Things You Should Know Before You Marry Her (and 101 Other Neuroses), this falls in the Top 10 (and may or may not be bolded, and possibly underlined), and is generally followed by commands akin to Poison Control Warnings. The alert is out.
I should also probably admit that I couldn't stop crying in the Sentra today. (Anyone who references my last post with rolled eyes and a "duh!" warrants immediate revocation of blogroll privileges. YOU IN THE BACK! What did I say, young lady???) Off the bat I mislead you, sweet reader, by terming it crying; it was more of that heavy weeping that involves both forward shoulder rolls and asthmatic kindergartener wheezing. Because this was the year that everything changed - breath - he didn't come back and the pain was unbearable and that must have meant - breath - something about me just wasn't and isn't good enough and may never be for anyone - breath - and my father is so very ill and my car failed inspection three times this month and AM I NOT JUST SUPPOSED TO FEEL CHEER AND BE FILLED WITH GOD'S LOVE RIGHT NOW? - breaaaaaaath -
It's quite possible that even the crickets were crying.
I'm chalking it up to the holidays. To routine end-of-year taking stock. To the soundtracked emotional montage that runs through a worried mind just as the multimedia ode to the dead does at the Oscars. To a lack of good television during this week that every soul on the planet is seeking nothing but distracting entertainment while they wrap everyone else's gifts or get drunk on cooking wine or endure the homophobia of Uncle Phil.
19 Comments:
it is absolutely the holidays! this is such a stressful time of year, even though it's supposed to be one of the happiest - it's year end, there's travel, family get togethers, blah blah blah. and also, we're not kids anymore where we are so excited to put out the cookies and milk and go to sleep. now we have grown up responsibilities.
i cried today too. twice. for no good reason! pass the kleenex! ;-)
It's the holidays. I cried tonight.
All the forced obligations, we are with you.
Sniff....
That last sentence rang very, very true. I'm almost looking forward to hitting the airport on the Saturday before Christmas just to get away from my vegetative state.
I'll admit to getting a little verklempt when Rudolph said "Ready, Santa" for the kajillionth time.
Luckily, Iron Chef America with Bobby Flay, Mario, Rachel Ray and cranberries as the double top secret magical ingredient will perk anyone up.
The bad times are important.
They serve to highlight how good the good times are.
Especially sipping Whynattes in the kitchen of your favourite Canuckleheads.
So weep your weeps, but forget not your peeps. We're all in your corner. And thanks to boy-girl-boy-girl placement, I don't mind the crowding so much.
:)
The creator has a twisted (at best) sense of humor. Look at the Duckbill Platypus - how do you think they feel?
Crying is cathartic; I should be doing more of it, but I'm never, ever alone long enough.
It's the holidays. *shakes fist at the baby Jesus* You couldn't have been born in the summer?
((Kris))
About the bad tv programming and the cooking wine -- oh, and the tough year... I'm with you, sister. Testify!
Take a bunch of SHOULD crap out of it. I hate SHOULD. You are great just as you are, and it is so very alright to feel this way.
We wish we could wrap you up in a blanket and make the voices hush.
big hugs
: )
The new site is decidedly refreshing. It adds 'more' without being too much. If only we could sleep with it. Or if only you, stacy and I could be in the same city...that would make things splendid.
It never fails to amaze me that I am not alone in my pain.
A moment of beauty to share with you - Bug passed out on the back of the couch for about an hour earlier, and snored softly the entire time. LOVE IT.
Have you seen the Bridget Jones movie, where she worries that she will "die alone and be found three weeks later, half-eaten by wild dogs"? That's the kind of stuff that pops into my head when I think about being single at the holidays. I have friends to smack me in the head and tell me I'm being ridiculous. Merry Christmas.
greetings Kris.......
Thank God I ain't the only one boooohooooing my way through some of my days of late...I think it is the holiday season....I am SO ready to go to my sis's and hoping to get a little spirit going for myself by hanging out with the 3 nephews!! Well that.....and the awesome appletini's and chocolatini's my bro in law makes!!! Can I send you some....or an even dozen???
Wishing you and yours all the very best over the holidays!!
I say this because I love you:
Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
So he didn't come back. So what? He didn't deserve you and YOU know you're better off.
IT'S A CAR!
Your father, while sick, is still here and you get to spend a wonderful Christmas with him.
I say none of this to be mean, you know that. Consider this just a virtual slap to the head in a "Cut it out!" sort of way.
Plus, tomorrow we drink and there will be shots. Oh, plenty of glorious Christmas shots...
Hey Kris, Holidays can suck the living crap out of all of us who aren't coupled, yeppir.
But.
The coupled suck too. There are tons who are married to the wrong person.
So who exactly is having fun right now? About 1/10 of the people on the planet.
Everyone else feels exactly like you do, and every living one of the 9/10 of the rest of us--the majority--should either all be drunk, eating our butts off, or marching on Hollywood or Madison Avenue and strangling whoever it is who's perpetuating this crap that is making us depressed.
I'll lead the march if some of you sign on (guess my meds are not working tonight ;) !!!)
If someone as great as you, Kris, feels as bad as this, it's time to do something about it.
But in the meantime, am convinced that every day brings you closer to where you are supposed to be.
He is/was amoeba poop and definitely not worthy of you. Someone better is coming. Am as sure of this as I am of my own name.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))) and love, ND
Ah, the holidays. Nothing says "Merry Freaking Christmas" more than the reminder of this bliss we call being single. Well, nothing that is except for finding out your former lover and his now wife are expecting and that the boy you have been hung up on all year has met someone new...all in the week before Christmas.
A nice gentle reminder that we are alive and that those who do not realize our greatness are indeed, unworthy of our tears.
Merry Christmas...and may the New Year bring everything the last did not.
And if it doesn't - I suggest drinking. Heavily.
I trust things are smoothing out for you these days (being that it's been a week since your post)l; it's only three days until "the new year", but who the heck cares about that (see my blog posting -- you're invited to the NEW New Year UnCelebration).
Also, the new IB site is fantastic, and I can say that because it's at least partially because of your influence.
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