December 20, 2006
Ba rum pa pa pum, on my tum
JOY! has a new name, and it’s called my period.

Nothing, nothing, my friends, says MERRY CHRISTMAS like beginning the menses while trying to finish up shopping, while starting the dreaded wrapping that involves taping and retaping and once more! because somehow every and every piece of Scotch attracts at least one of Bug’s hairs, and did I even start writing my Christmas cards yet? because I probably should get on that GIVEN THE IMPENDING NATURE OF ALL THINGS MERRY.

Ho.

Did I mention the stiletto-wearing elves in my belly, dancing to the dulcet yet awful tones of Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas”? Because that feels good. And waking up realizing I used a Regular rather than a Super? Even better. And my pants not fitting because I broke into the office holiday party cookie stash FOUR HOURS BEFORE THE EXTRAVAGANZA WAS EVEN SET TO BEGIN?

Ho!

It probably isn’t PC or Christianlike or at all acceptable to take that incessant ringing bell outside Giant and stick it down that volunteer ringer’s throat, now is it? BECAUSE I GAVE THREE TIMES ALREADY. And if I give again, how can I possibly buy more cookies and Doritos and wine to appease these damn stiletto-wearing elves?

HO.


39 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sounds like you need to switch from the wine to a heavily rum laden eggnog. Its hard to tap dance in stilletos in thick rich eggnog.

It seems we're on the same schedule. I sympathize with women everywhere (especially you, of course) who are trying to deal with upset hormone levels and the shenanigans of Christmas.

Which leads me to my next thought: Since my hormone levels are currently (ahem, always) unbalanced, am I allowed to treat my family (err, my soon-to-be in-laws who don't want me referring to them as "family" until we're actually married) the way I REALLY feel about them and blame it on my cycle, or must I continue to get obliterated and try to fake it?

I guess getting obliterated isn't all that bad ...

Blogger Sizzle said...

your pheramones and mine must be in sync or something cuz i'm right there with you sistah.

yesterday a coworker "loaned" me a tampon and i swear to god i said, "this isn't a tampon, it's a torpedo."

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Stiletto-wearing elves, eh?

I sometimes feel like there is a monkey swinging between my legs on a trapeze mounted to my uterus.

Ah, good times.

I'm with Keith - upgrade the liquor to something more potent.

Blogger Finn said...

There is nothing worse than waking up with a too-small tampon. And the fact that all around you people are cheerful and in the holiday spirit? They need to piss off. Now.

I'm leaving cookies and Doritos for the elves and a bottle of wine for you at the door. I'll just ring the bell and run away...

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Whoa. I knew that women who live together tend to have the same cycle. But bloggers, too? Rather scary.

The PMS? Definitely the worst I've had in months. Murr.

Excuse me while I have another cookie.

Anonymous maliavale said...

Ho, ho, motherfucking ho. That about sums it up for me.

Anonymous hrh kts said...

While we're on the subject...
you HAVE to check out

www.Tamponcrafts.com

It's a bloody hoot!:)

Anonymous Kelly said...

GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Blogger ate my funny comment and song.

Here goes again:

My parents have a funny song clip on their computer, and I'd like to share.

"Ho ho fucking ho, what a crock of shit. We all for for Santa Claus - we've had enough, we quit! We do all the fucking work while he stars in the show. Stick your Christmas up your ass - ho ho fucking ho!"

It doesn't really relate to your post, but it's kinda funny.

LAUGH!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

The parental units have a funny song clip saved on their PC at home. It goes like this:

"Ho, ho, fucking ho. What a crock of shit. We all work for Santa Claus - we've had enough. We quit! We do all the fuckin' work while he stars in the show... Stick your Christmas up your ass - ho ho fucking ho."

It doesn't relate, really, to your post, but it's kinda funny.

LAUGH!

Blogger playfulinnc said...

ON. YOUR. SCHEDULE.

Damn.

This is getting weird.

Also, I love IndieBloggers!!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Heh. Merry Christmas, Kris ;)

Blogger Carrie M said...

and god bless us, every one!

Love the Aunt Flo post. Totally feel ya...

Big fan of IndieBloggers!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cards? F***. Don't even wanna talk about it.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cards? F***. Don't even wanna talk about it.

Blogger Brookelina said...

What eclectiblue said.

The word menses gives me hives.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

If it's any consolation, I've gone to the bathroom six times today.

No?

No comfort? Not even of the cold variety.

I GIVE AND GIVE FOR YOU AND IT'S ALL FOR NAUGHT!

Wine is tasty.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I FEEL for you ya, Kris.

Blogger TrappedInColorado said...

Right, f*cking on, sister!!! I would not be so nice with the damned bell either! I am trapped by 3 ft of snow outside my door.. getting cabin fever.. call me...

Anonymous Julianna said...

I just began today which means:

1. yay, gone soon will be the uncontrollable rage and

2. OMG the fucking pain!!!!!!!!

Blogger Jasclo said...

oh my gosh, people are staring at me because i'm at work and i just totally cracked up at the thought of ramming the bell down the ringer's throat. i SO WANT TO DO THAT!

Blogger Kim said...

For the love of gawd, we're on the same cycle now! You did this to me!

I burst into tears at Target yesterday after witnessing a guy getting arrested for shoplifting!

I can't stop exclaiming!

Blogger jairo said...

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Girl, I feel your pain and then some.

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Anonymous Jorge said...

Wow.
If you DC gals are all on the same cycle, it might be best to post it in your Blogger Calendars.

I mean, I don't know if it would be safe to visit during "wartime".

*hides in bunker*.

*hides in bunker*

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sensing Jorge is getting coal and a live grenade in his stockings.

Anonymous nicole said...

Try double sided tape. For the wrapping, not the Salvation Army. xoxo

Blogger Kris said...

Jorge is getting Advanced Gain Pro, courtesy of our sponsoring spammers . . .

and Nicole, I like the way you think . . .

Anonymous zandria said...

Christmas: oh, what FUN TIMES. :)

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

The only holiday I enjoyed more than a menses Christmas was having my period and a busted ankle. Saving grace: pain killers.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I actually have a song called "PMS for Christmas" in my collection of crap on the ole iPod.

And aren't we all getting Advanced Pain Pro in our stockings?

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I give $10 to the bellringers when they first emerge and so my conscience is clear for the rest of the year. If they don't somehow know that and just assume that I'm cheap...oh, well. Fuck 'em.

spazzberryberet.typepad.com

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I always get mine at Christmas. Unbelievable.

Lola x

Blogger Egan said...

Red and Green make Christmas. I say that's divine intervention. Remember, Christ is the reason for the season. Happy Period!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm going to stay anonymous for this comment, because I don't think the ENTIRE WORLD needs to know this about me. I sport an IUD and it ROCKS, because I don't get a period. Ever.

Public Service Anouncement: It's called the Mirena. If you have had children, it might be the right birth control for you. And there's that whole not-having-a-period thing, too. :-)

/anonymous out

Anonymous Anonymous said...

This post made me laugh the way I needed to this week. Thank you.

Blogger Nancy Drew said...

I remember the day I had my first period. Asked Mom what boys got if girls got THIS. She said 'nothing'.

I was mad for a year.

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