December 5, 2006
I am a gross, gross woman.
I'm in Florida all week for business. If I didn't miss my cats so damn much, I'd move into this hotel and lie in the just-right king bed all week while drinking $3.75 Diet Cokes from the mini bar. You know, the one to which I have a key but which, mysteriously, doesn't even lock. 20/20, I smell a scam.

I ordered room service last night. Nothing, but nothing on that menu was enticing. I don't eat seafood, and since we are in the land of water and old people, and old people aren't all that tasty given their sell by date, that leaves seafood as the main culinary attraction. Discussions with the incredibly friendly room service (it always freaks me out that everyone in the hotel seems to know my name, whether I call or meet them in person; it smacks of an episode of the Twilight Zone in which I'll realize I'm on a martian military installation and I actually have a pig face or I'm the main course in How to Serve Kris, you know, that sort of thing) revealed that Yes! they could make pizza! And bring it to my room! And that gratuity was included even though you'll feel incredibly guilty leaving that line blank while signing the receipt!

I devoured two slices of that tasty, doughy, tomato-slathered beauty and passed out on the king bed, Seaweed at my side. It was only 8 pm. I woke up at 2 and had another slice. After I'm done talking with you, I will have another, now 13 hours after it's been sitting out on the desk. And folks, just so I can lie in said king bed a little bit longer, I just might have it for lunch in three or four hours.

I picture this being the post everyone turns to when I end up fighting some terrible Tex-Mex bacteria after eating a seven-day old Taco Bell burrito (if that happens, call FOX, because I'm pretty sure House would know just what to do), but I will eat most foods left out on countertops, in the sun, and in the communal work kitchen, time of arrival completely unbeknownst to me. I've eaten cheesecake 10 hours after the caterers were packed up and gone, ranch dip left out overnight after a wine and cheese, and - gulp - mayonnaise that I forgot to refrigerate after lunch.

But I won't eat seafood, even if that mahi was swimming just before it hit my plate. That's just gross.

Labels:



28 Comments:

Blogger mysterygirl! said...

If you were in a hotel somewhere cold, I'd tell you to just stick the pizza out the window for refrigeration (which my family actually did once in Chicago-- now you know where I get my ingenuity/CLASS).

Glad you're having a good stay! If House stops by, try to slip him my number. When your convulsions have stopped, of course.

Anonymous Jen said...

I see nothing wrong with this. Of course, I routinely leave leftovers from dinner in the oven or microwave so that the cats can't tear into them, forget about them and leave them in there overnight, and then open the microwave/oven the next night and discover that Oops! I did it again! -- but I still eat whatever it is. I probably wouldn't if it were fish, though. Fish skeeves me out.

Blogger I-66 said...

Wow. Um...

I uh...

Yeah.

Blogger Wicked H said...

Livin on the edge, I love it!!

Enjoy Cocoon Land!

Blogger Carrie M said...

pizza is the best after being left on the counter. overnight. this is a proven fact!

Blogger kitkat said...

Fish is good in my book, so I can't sympathize with ya there, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with eating food that's been sitting out unprotected for an unknown amount of time. I figure, if you don't test your body once in a while, you'll never build up a tolerance to bacteria and gag-reflexes :)

Blogger Thérèse said...

I can't figure out what part you think is gross.

Should I be concerned?

Blogger Heather B. said...

Oh so you are alive. Really, feel free to stay an extra few days. I don't mind.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Loves me some fish. By the way, what part of Florida? You're in my neck of the woods, girl!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

That which does not kill you, makes you stronger. In this case, your immune system specifically.

Blogger Egan said...

Isn't Florida fun? Does your mini fridge have sensors that charge you each time an item is moved? Our hotel in Boston did and that was very fun. I don't eat seafood either. Can we be best buds?

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pretty sure I just threw up a little.... in my mouth.

But now that that's over, I am right there with you on loving hotels. I wish I could be like Dylan on 90210 and live in one. Only I would NEVER go back to Brenda. She's a whore.

Anonymous bloggadocio said...

oh please. if the pizza box doesn't fit in the fridge, it sure fits well on my counter overnight. Enjoy it the next day!

And i think i very much so like this Undercover Celebrity person above.

Blogger Kelly said...

Mmmm! Waking up in a hotel room and there's food there for you?! That's the best.

And king sizers in hotel rooms? Even better than the best - esp. when the duvet weighs more than you do! And you can leave it all magled, yet it will be made by the time you slouch back to it. Nice!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wait, you AREN'T supposed to eat food left out for hours? I got food poisoning from properly chilled goat cheese cheesecake from an IT Philly eatery but I've never once gotten sick off anything I've eaten off the floor. I'm a firm believe of picking it up, giving a ladylike blow (which clearly removes all bacteria) and popping the delicacy into my mouth. In other words, you're in good company!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey,nice blog!!! I found a place where you can make an extra $800 or more a month. I do it part time and make a lot more than that. It is definitely worth a visit! You can do it in your spare time and make good cash. Make Extra Cash

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey,nice blog!!! I found a place where you can make an extra $800 or more a month. I do it part time and make a lot more than that. It is definitely worth a visit! You can do it in your spare time and make good cash. Make Extra Cash

Blogger Kim said...

Hey,nice blog!!! I found a place where you can make an extra $10 or more a month. It's called "14th and K" but you'll have to do things neither your mother nor Oprah would approve of...

I know, I know...crickets.

Anyway, come home soon. I miss my Kris.

PS You got on my case for leaving my butter out and still using it? Hippo-crite.

Blogger Egan said...

Kim, you're my hero for mocking the Anonymous commenter. I was going to do the same thing, but you stole my thunder. Touché.

Undercover Celebrity, oh no you didn't. You talked about Dylan from 90210. I'm like your biggest fan now. What ever did happen to Dylan's dad?

Anonymous janet said...

I once ate a cheesesteak that had been overnighted via fedex. Don't ask. I was working on a campaign and apparently desperate for food? There really is no explanation.

Blogger Cheryl said...

I'm totally jealous right now.

Blogger Nancy Drew said...

Decadent, and you soooo deserve it.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, so long as you know your limits ;)

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Enjoy your hotel room, Kris! Lucky you.

Sometimes I go spend a night (alone) in a hotel IN MY OWN city. The incognito part of it -- and the fact that you don't have any dishes to do or, for that matter, that you don't even have to make the bed! -- aaahhh... Now that's life!

Anonymous bloggadocio said...

omg, you have someone calling out 90210 references and another person w/ a Nancy Drew handle? you have the bestest commenters ever!

Blogger Brookelina said...

You're in Florida? Is that why all the bars ran out of booze?

Blogger Kim said...

Egan, you are my hero for thinking I'm your hero.

Anonymous Jorge said...

What the hell business has you lying on a hotel bed for hours on end.


Wha...


Wai...


Woah...

Post a Comment

<< Home

footer