The weekend was a whirlwind of turkey entrees, turkey sandwiches, very novice poker played with my family – yet again over turkey, two too many drinks and pool with the best of friends, a close talk with my mom, a trip to New York City and back within an 18-hour period, and a good bit of sleep. Did I mention a little text messaging with CNB with dog? And a little shopping.
I indulged in full price (as in non-sale, non-Target) mascara AND foundation at the CVS, party people. That alone surely makes me a rock star, no? And as I left the store, intoxicated by my purchases and the stimulus overload that is the CVS at Christmas, I turned to make sure I held the door for anyone who followed. And that anyone turned out to be none other than Him. The ex, the beau, the love of my life who I once spent most of my dream time on, thinking on more than one occasion about just how this man would ultimately propose to me.
I did a double take. Only after I was quite sure that my heart was not indeed bursting, that I hadn’t started bawling and that I would not require medical assistance did I speak.
“Hi.” I said on the second take. “How are you?”
“I’m good.”
Then nothing. No discussion, no big smiles, no I think of you and I miss you sometimes. And the heavy pain and imminent embarrassment were the only things that prompted me to force one leg out in front of the other, because if I didn’t, the awfulness of the situation might indeed consume me and make my heart stop beating.
And as it continued to strike me as so ridiculous that you can spend three years of your life knowing someone – knowing everything about them, more than their parents and their best friends and their brothers ever will – and traveling and loving and living life side by side, and suddenly your partnership is reduced to three seconds of niceties between the two glass doors at the drug store, I offered nothing remotely close to what I really wanted to say and do, what I struggle with holding back on a daily basis.
“Well I guess I’ll see you around.” And I turned my head and walked away without looking back.
I made it two whole blocks before I burst into tears in my car.
I just keep wondering when it will go away.
I indulged in full price (as in non-sale, non-Target) mascara AND foundation at the CVS, party people. That alone surely makes me a rock star, no? And as I left the store, intoxicated by my purchases and the stimulus overload that is the CVS at Christmas, I turned to make sure I held the door for anyone who followed. And that anyone turned out to be none other than Him. The ex, the beau, the love of my life who I once spent most of my dream time on, thinking on more than one occasion about just how this man would ultimately propose to me.
I did a double take. Only after I was quite sure that my heart was not indeed bursting, that I hadn’t started bawling and that I would not require medical assistance did I speak.
“Hi.” I said on the second take. “How are you?”
“I’m good.”
Then nothing. No discussion, no big smiles, no I think of you and I miss you sometimes. And the heavy pain and imminent embarrassment were the only things that prompted me to force one leg out in front of the other, because if I didn’t, the awfulness of the situation might indeed consume me and make my heart stop beating.
And as it continued to strike me as so ridiculous that you can spend three years of your life knowing someone – knowing everything about them, more than their parents and their best friends and their brothers ever will – and traveling and loving and living life side by side, and suddenly your partnership is reduced to three seconds of niceties between the two glass doors at the drug store, I offered nothing remotely close to what I really wanted to say and do, what I struggle with holding back on a daily basis.
“Well I guess I’ll see you around.” And I turned my head and walked away without looking back.
I made it two whole blocks before I burst into tears in my car.
I just keep wondering when it will go away.
38 Comments:
I dated my biggest ex to-date for three years, including 1.5 years of living together, and after our two months+ of breaking up heinousness, I never saw him again. No chance encounters at CVS. And although that was two years ago, and although I am in love with a man who is infinitely better and better for me in countless ways, I have a feeling I might react the same way if I were to run into him that way.
xoxo
Oh man, honey...
Knowing exactly how you feel.
It does. Eventually. I don't know when, but it will.
Ugh.
You are a rock star, totally. One hundred percent Rock-Star.
Oh, and ditto to Katherine, but without the living together bit. But the First Love thing may even that out. It sucks knowing that you're still vulnerable to someone no longer in your life, but it does get better!
It has to, right?
i don't know you, but i feel the need to send you a blog hug...you are totally a rockstar, hon.
I've spent the last year and a half wondering when it would go away. As I sit here thinking of my encounter with the ex this weekend (6 year relationship), I know that I can't tell you when it will go away.
I am happy to report, however, that it will go away and the best part is that you won't even realize it when it does.
*hug*
It can be painful and bewildering when someone that we've been close to acts cold or indifferent, but then in time it can also help bring closure, as we realize how better off we are not having to share our lives with someone so emotionally bankrupt and immature.
That doesn't make those first feelings any easier--I just hope you feel better about things soon as that encounter gets left in the past.
There are so many better things ahead for a total rock star like you :)
That's hard. But you should take comfort in the fact that you had the balls to say hello to him, even if the result was, well, what it was.
I wouldn't be surprised if he just froze up upon seeing you, and kicked himself the whole way home for having done so.
Aw, Kris. That just sucks. I can tell you though that the bad taste in mouth, heart pounding, wanting to burst into tears feeling will ease. It just takes time.
You are still a Rock Star!
Reason #741 I'm glad my most recent Ex lives in DC and I live in Philly. No risk of an oh-shit-that's-him-isn't-it run-in.
Anyway, sorry your turkey weekend included him. Keep your chin up, kiddo!
Fortunately my ex- has left the area, and I've moved on to much, much better things. But like Kathryn said, I can't imagine my reaction would be any different were I to run into him again. It does get better, it just often takes longer than we'd like it to.
i don't think it ever goes away. but it does get better...and at least you cried in your car and not on the street! that is surely a sign of strength!
I'm proud of you for being able to speak...I'm not sure if I would have been able to.
This post has made me feel better as you are talking about something that I worry about constantly. And I fear I would cry as well.
I agree with Freckled K. And if anything take solace in knowing that he probably saw you smiling and having a good time before you crossed paths. Shows that you are moving on and that you haven't lost your spirit.
Hope you had an excellent turkey day.
Happy thoughts!
ARGH. I hate moments like that. BIG HUGS FROM ME. Yes, I know that was an incomplete sentence, but I can't think of a non-cheesy full-sentence way to write it. There's something about "I'm sending big hugs" that is just...lame. Thus: BIG HUGS. (WTF? How did I turn this into a grammar discussion?)
Ick. Nothing to be thankful for with that encounter. Not a damn thing.
I wish I knew when it goes away...I don't. But I know that it does and it's like it was never there...and usually you're totally unaware that your brain has made the switch.
that kind of stuff just wrenches the heart right out of a person. it will fade, i promise...it just never does soon enough or on our own timetable. i'm sorry kris! the pain today will make the happiness that's coming even more sweet.
trite (puke) i know. i wish i could buy you a glass of vino and hand you a kleenex.
xo
sizz
There's no two ways about it, that really sucks. As a recent break-upee, my stomach turns a thousand times for you.
My only advice: date CNB. Date him with vigor. :)
...and pick up a good bottle or two of pinot noir.
Not to detract from your pain, but I can't wait to hear about your heart-to-heart with your mom.
Me, too...about the wine. I'd buy you a glass and let you tell me the whole sordid story.
He's a coward. And immature. He's a chronological adult, too bad he's not emotionally one, as well.
And you're so a Rock Star! He was intimidated by the greatness that's you. And I promise, it will get easier.
When I return to the city where I left my ex of 3 years, I have a moment of anxiety that I will run into his nasty ass. Or his face, for that matter.
I am happy, have one great guy (working on 3 years) in my life, but dang! I am not sure it all goes away, but you WILL be happy!
Promise.
I'm so sorry that happened. :(
I dated a guy for three years. But he was such an asshole that if I ran into him in the street now I would probably have to be restrained from rendering him unable to have children.
I agree with those who said to date CNB with vigour! Go girl!
don't let the man bring you down and your high from your make up purchases. i know way easier said than done.
think of him having a terrible life long STD or something along those lines to bring you some happiness in the here and now.
You know what? Fuck that fucking fuckwad. Seriously. And if you're reading this, fuckwad, you're a fuckwad. Because seriously? You two had a life together and every time he acts too much of a "man" to say hi with genuine warmth, he shits all over what you had. And that's sad. What is he blaming you for? What happened that he's treating you like dog shit on his new shoes?
Fuck that piece of shit. And yes, I know. Articulate. He needs to grow the fuck up.
I'm sorry :( :big hugs:
So sorry sweetie (((((((((hugs)))))))! He is so not worth your tears or time now. I'm sorry but he's not. If he didn't have the brains or class to even give you a hug, tip your chin up or even look you in the eyes and ask how you are doing...he's an asshat, asshole, or what comes out of an asshole. I'm sorry but he is. And thank the good Lord that you didn't marry him, because (as many of us have found out to our chagrin and $$$ co$t) bad as it is now, it would have hurt much worse later after kids, houses, and decades.
Thank heavens it was 'only' three years, sweetheart.
I hate him for you.
That means that you are this much closer to the man who really deserves you.
It certainly isn't that slug. Amoeba slime. And whatever feeds on amoeba slime.
Seriously.
You are a rock star. You deserve much much better, and it is headed your way, sweetie. Stay away from that man. He does not deserve you. He proved it.
oh, I HATE that the most. I'm so bummed for you.
My initial run-in with The Ex was at a friend's dad's funeral. I was like a drowned rat in the middle of the church when it was over; grieving family at one end of the aisle, and The Ex with New GF at the other. I considered hurdling a pew before I made myself get a grip.
So good for you for keeping it together until you were alone. It sucks, sucks, sucks... but it gets easier.
I think.
UGH that is the worst!! But you handled it beautifully! You were on top of things, breezing out, feeling good, nodded in his unworthy diection, and swanning on with your fabulous life. WELL DONE.
I lost tenses there. Sorry.
Mama, you are a rock star.
I'm still waiting for the run in with my ex-husband, which is inevitable since we only live 2 miles from each other. I don't think I will handle it as well as you did. 2 blocks? Absolutely amazing. I wouldn't have made it 2 steps. In all seriousness, you should be proud of yourself.
It gets better. I don't know how, but it does. I mean, it has to, right?
It sounds like you did a great job of handling things! I mean, you could've broken out in hysterical babble and passed out on the spot! (See, it could've been worse.)
Eventually, the feeling fades. You're left with a teensy tiny "huh?" just to remind you that you once shared something with him.
Life heals itself.
I guess I will echo what a lot of people have said. It sucks and it's horrible and it takes FOREVER to let it go. At most points you think that you will always have that hole in your heart for that person and what a hole it is. I never thought you could actually FEEL your broken heart.
I've been away from my ex for 4 years (and I live in a different city, 2000 miles away) and to this day, if I ran into him, I would seriously fall over and die.
At least you made it away from him before you started bawling.
Besides, he's probably gay now anyway.
Let's see, I haven't laid eyes on my first love in like 16 years, and I now for a fact I would burst into tears if I had this exchange with him.
Hell, I burst into tears after several long e-mails not that long ago. And I'M the one who broke up with him.
He'll always be with you, but you'll get perspective over time.
I hope it eases soon, but I think making it two blocks was damn good.
The rest of your weekend sounds good though.
Oh god, I think I'm now going to burst into tears
That is why herpes is ALWAYS a lasting impression. Then you'll always have something to talk about.
Other than that, I have nothing to say except, "Awesome post."
Oh honey, you handled it better than most of us would have. Your strength is going to be your saving grace. Ah, but that doesn't make the pain go away in the moment, now does it? I wish I could give you a big hug and make it all better!! :-(
I'm so sorry. I will be happy to put a voodoo curse on him for you. Not that I know how, but I'd totally figure it out for you.
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