November 1, 2006
Fogie Alert!
As a general rule I delete entries that begin with Kids these days . . . but sometimes, you know, as one of the wise Golden Girls said, it just is what it is.

Kids these days just don’t have things as good as we did.**

Darrre! I sedd it!

Come on, admit it, and we’re all gonna put on our memory caps here. Remember the thrill of having beginner sex in that ’84 LeBaron convertible (burgundy red!). Summertime, the windows down, asphalt just outside your door still hot from the record temp day, lemon Italian ice still on your lips, praying to the Jersey Shore and God and Phil Donahue that no one drove down the shaded lane and caught your hormonal bodies half hanging out of your matching tank tops?

I do.

Remember babysitting and sneaking out the back door for a cigarette after the kids were put to bed? I don’t. Probably because I only dogsat. But you get the gist.

Not anymore. The schools have surveillance, the parking lots have video, the cameras have cameras. Parents consumed by two-hour Datelines put freaking mini-cassettes in their kids’ Beanie Babies! Will the nanny beat dear Junior with a Q-Tip as that (very stereotypically) illegally Guatemalan? foreign au pair did the poor defenseless child with four toenails and one eyebrow? Clearly not. But you will catch her talking loin with Sam the Butcher.

I don’t think I have any teenage readers, but I would venture to guess that you can’t get away with crap nowadays. Ooooooh. The tension of texting under the covers! I luv u 4eva. Ugh. IT WAS SO MUCH MORE EXCITING TO READ THE HARDY BOYS AND DREAM FANTASIZE ABOUT THAT YOUNGER HARDY BROTHER WHILE UNDER THE STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE COMFORTER, DAMMIT! Does anyone pass notes at school anymore with a sorry so sloppy signoff? Are text messages intercepted by your Science teacher when you least expect it, in that slow-mo moment in which he of the violet corduroy vest grabs the delicately folded paper and you know by the drop in your stomach that any semblance of social status is done gone and over (hilarious that we took generic classes called “science” and “social studies” and “stuff arts” – no wonder everyone passed notes.) Does it happen, party people?

I dare say it doesn’t. How can you dream about Kirk Cameron while you’re walking through a metal detector at 7:50 a.m.? How can you think about sorting your candy stash when you’re more concerned about the scarlet garter popping out of your slutty creative and contemporary 36-DD prison guard costume? And FTLOG, despite the gazillion megapixels Grand Theft Winnebago v. 36.0 can offer the youth of today, do you not just crave the sweet innocence that was Pong? A simple bar and a beautiful ball and the gracious dink it made signaling SUCCESS! There is a reason why Ms. Pac Man is still found in laundromats and AMCs throughout our U.S. of A. It isn’t just for those Angelina Jolie lips of hers.

Don’t get me started on texting your mom to tell her you finally got your period for the first time. Or just knowing the Mets would suck for eternity. Or the virtues of the Leave No Child Behind Speak and Spell.

God damn, I love you and all you’ve done for me, Texas Instruments.



**Save the dinosaur and do you still blog on a typewriter? jokes for later (during my sponge bath), HB.


37 Comments:

Blogger d. said...

i agree 100%. how many kids today know the thrill of waiting for "its the great pumpkin charlie brown" or the "wizard of oz" to come on every year. i still get excited when i see them comong on, i watched charlie brown the other night and the wizard of oz is coming on on friday, i refuse to watch them on dvd.

Anonymous Jorge said...

Hee!

So good.
Last night I was taking out the trash (at 1AM) and there was a group of fifteen ne'er-do-wells smoking and smoking up near my car.

There is certainly more surveillance, but I have to say that kids find ways around it. Technology begets technology in a never ending cycle.

Camera? Kids will figure out how to cloak themselves.

Bug? Kids learn sign language.

Biometrics? Kids buy new fingertips.

Fuggers.

:)

I miss being a kid sometimes for those very reasons.

3 DAYS!

Blogger JoJo said...

Do kids actually use paper and pen anymore?

Anonymous Anonymous said...

The sister on Alf was pretty hot.

Blogger Jamie said...

SPEAK AND SPELL! GAH! I had completely forgotten about that.

Blogger Dylan said...

There is a whole generation that never had a crush on Tootie? Or never had their first, "Well, she'd be hot, but she's too manly... but you know, she's still pretty hot," on Jo?

What about Ms. Garrity? Kids today never had the hots for Ms. Garrity? Don't they know that redheads are saucy?

Blogger Finn said...

And don't forget drinking semi-warm beer or Boone's Farm out of the back of a pickup truck in a deserted, hidden empty lot.

Ah, sweet innocence and the 80's, where have you gone?

I have no idea what the sister on Alf looks like. Am I supposed to look like her or are you?

Blogger Kelly said...

Siiiigh.

Imagine in another 15 years? When Jorge and Mrs. Jorge's kid will be all grow'd up? What will it be like then??

Yowzers!

Blogger TJ said...

Amen, sister. These little whippersnappers don't have it half as good as we did back in the day.

What a great trip down memory lane--my experience was pretty identical to yours, except that I fantasized about Nancy Drew under my Eagles comforter.

Unfortunately I'll have to cut this comment short because my Commodore 64 is beginning to overheat...

Blogger Paige Jennifer said...

Forget Kirk Cameron. Ricky Schroeder. Rick. The Ricker. Now he was dreamy...

Blogger Hammer said...

Getting the really powerful fireworks was a lot easier back then too. Set off an M-80 today, and they'll bypass court-ordered community service and just send your teenage ass straight to Juvie Gitmo.

Nice Brady Bunch reference, by the way. Sam always was such a player.

Blogger reluctant dater said...

ooohhh, kirk cameron. or decorating your locker with pictures of the 90210 gange, being sure not to cover the top slots (so as not to deter people from leaving notes for you). did you ever have a note notebook? ie the notebook you passed back and forth instead of passing notes? or getting in trouble for being on the phone too long, in the days before call waiting?

Blogger Sizzle said...

i totally agree.

Blogger Candace said...

I applaud the brilliance that is this post.

Blogger Hammer said...

Oh, and kids today can't watch TV and hear someone tell them to "turn up their freedom rock!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jKDk-mg1J9Q

Their loss, really.

Blogger Margaret said...

And you can't call boys and hang up after identifying yourself to his mom as some girl you make fun of...

Blogger bandick said...

I was thinking the same thing about trick-or-treaters. What wusses they're churning out these days! We only had four last night because it was "too cold". It was 30°! A heat wave!

I wrote this comment on my brother's blog this morning:
"Do you remember wearing those wimpy plastic Halloween costumes when it was snowing? I remember you as Batman and me as Wonder Woman. Wearing those plastic masks that had no ventilation so they made your face sweat but it was freezing outside so you wound up with icicles running down your neck. "

Ah, yup. Those were the days.

Blogger planner17 said...

I almost snorted my coffee out my nose when I read about the violet corduroy vest intercepting your note, and the sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach. Did anyone ever get called up to read their "secret note" in front of the class? :) THAT was punishment!

Blogger Heather B. said...

Typewriter?

Is that a PC or a new Mac? Sorry.

Though someone mentioned cassette single to me earlier (in reference to Bust a Move) and then said that I probably didn't know what that is. EXCUSE ME! I had cassettes and a tape player and I vividly recall when all of the tape came out of my Parents Just Don't Understand single. I know your pain. I've been there.

Now tell me about this typewriter thing...It sounds thrilling.

Blogger Kris said...

THEY'RE CALLED CASSINGLES!!!!

Anonymous gorillabuns said...

i find ways to sneak and hide from my kids all day, every day, while enjoying very delicious cancer sticks.

...and when i babysat, i searched for the alcohol and porno stashes.

Blogger Samantha said...

Too funny! "sorry so sloppy" sign off man that's a oldy but goody. We passed notes then ran home called on the phone. You know the phone on the kitchen wall with a super long cord. If you were really cool you had a teen line. Cell phones....too easy.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Sorry so sloppy!!! Oh my God, you just brought back a gazillion memories.

Blogger hillary said...

Now it's worse. Now they take up your cell phones and read all outgoing messages out loud.
Then they proceed to keep your cellphone in a box for a year.

And if all of my friends can light up outside the gym everyday, technology's not advanced as it could be...

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ahh, such memories....this one takes me back to the good old days!

For the record, though? It was ALL about Kevin on Mr. Belvedere! :oP

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hee Hee! You made me fantasize about TJ Swan, Swisher Sweets, and Tiger Beat cutouts of Shawn Cassidy taped on my wall......ah...

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I miss those warm Coors Light beers we used to steal from our parent's garage when we kicked field goals under the stars.

Now where did I put my Trapper Keeper (with red, green and blue folders) and those leg warmers?

Blogger Cheryl said...

You are so rights. And I feel worse for the younger kids. They can't even play tag any more!

Blogger JordanBaker said...

They also don't really get to go trick-or-treating anymore--the latest trend is to do it in the afternoon on the weekend nearest Halloween rather than on the night itself.

Kirk Cameron is now a born again Christian who wants you to become just like him.

I saw some type writers and some pens in an antique store.

Blogger kitkat said...

Sorry so sloppy....mine were always signed off with YBFF (your best friend forver). This definitely takes me back. Nice post.

Blogger webcowgirl said...

Boones Farm strawberry hill. I was 14 out in a pasture (in Texas)with my friend Peyton and we were racing to see who could drink it faster!
I had the strawberry shortcake sleeping bag. Grrr.

Blogger LiveLee said...

uh huh, uh huh.
a little sad, but i think it depends on the parents too.
for instance, my four year old loves scooby-doo (the early episodes)and just last week she sat on her daddy's lap and played 'super mario bros'. she likes the jetsons and the occasional flintstones...and she has legwarmers!
on the other hand, she has many a play cell phones...

Anonymous hrh kts said...

I was admiring my daughter's skill at walking on the brick wall btwn our house and the neighbor's (a summer pastime and fond memory of my youth) when the neighbor came out and announced that she was an attorney and that, "for liability reasons, my daughter had to get down right this minute!"
WTF?!

Anonymous hrh kts said...

ps...better than looking like Alf!

Blogger TrappedInColorado said...

You are sooooo freakin' original I can hardly stand it! I want to hang with you and drink and laugh my ass off!

Peace

Blogger Freckled K said...

Lylas(DNQ)! Seriously. That was hysterical.

I can't believe some of the things I got away with while babysitting. If I ever have kids, they will only be watched by Grandma. I loathe to think of what could be done with my back massager while I'm enjoying my dinner and a movie.

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