I've been worried as of late. (Again, shocker!)
Encouragement from friends about the relationship demise has led to introspection about the disintegration of my dreams.
I know. UGH, say you my dear readers. Here we go again on the Self Deprecation Train. Just remember: I never promised you ALL chick lit.
For the past decade, it's been goodbye to the days of the good book (hello, People mag! Katie is SO brainwashed AND emaciated! Not to mention Ms. Mary Kate!) and hello to too many hours spent on the couch with college football and ordered-in wings (don't get me wrong, I still love both, and the sauce they produce in DC dives is stellar, people, I mean STEL-LAR, like spicy and pass-me-the-tissues and are you going to eat all yours? gooooood). Despite a youth spent traveling through Europe, plans for international travel were put in the back of the "Someday" file. Hobbies on the backburner behind the mac and cheese. Just. going. along with the crowd. Life became damn mediocre.
Somehow, without even knowing it, I let go of me.
I know I probably don't talk about myself nearly enough for your tastes (*cough*), but the me I knew 15 years ago, the woman who would THRIVE! if I'd stuck with my gut instinct, is only partially here.
Full disclosure? I knew not to go for that grad degree. When I filled out each of those those 23 apps, my insides actually ached. But a Ph.D. was the right choice, of course. What a nice ring to it! And I'm so good at Psych! Forget my passion for creative THIS and the anecdotes of the history of THAT. Just keep moving on.
Warning: spoiler ahead! People, I knew not to stay in those relationships. Those pairings were not a fit, not quite right for me, and despite it paining me to say it (gulp!): insufficient. My gut? It's done. You aren't getting what you want from this partnership. It's over. You are strong enough to move away on your own. My reality? Bandage the damn thing with four miles of gauze so it looks like it might be healthy someday. When that doesn't work? Treat him poorly. Until he leaves you. (Dramatically washes cowardly hands of it.)
(Yes, pause if you must for crickets.)
I (and Consumer Reports) knew not to buy that Sentra sans pickup, knew not to smoke that one Camel Light on the 11th-grade ski trip, knew not to treat people as subhuman so they'd move along. I just never stopped to hear my voice.
I'm done. Done and done.
I'm finally listening.
Encouragement from friends about the relationship demise has led to introspection about the disintegration of my dreams.
I know. UGH, say you my dear readers. Here we go again on the Self Deprecation Train. Just remember: I never promised you ALL chick lit.
For the past decade, it's been goodbye to the days of the good book (hello, People mag! Katie is SO brainwashed AND emaciated! Not to mention Ms. Mary Kate!) and hello to too many hours spent on the couch with college football and ordered-in wings (don't get me wrong, I still love both, and the sauce they produce in DC dives is stellar, people, I mean STEL-LAR, like spicy and pass-me-the-tissues and are you going to eat all yours? gooooood). Despite a youth spent traveling through Europe, plans for international travel were put in the back of the "Someday" file. Hobbies on the backburner behind the mac and cheese. Just. going. along with the crowd. Life became damn mediocre.
Somehow, without even knowing it, I let go of me.
I know I probably don't talk about myself nearly enough for your tastes (*cough*), but the me I knew 15 years ago, the woman who would THRIVE! if I'd stuck with my gut instinct, is only partially here.
Full disclosure? I knew not to go for that grad degree. When I filled out each of those those 23 apps, my insides actually ached. But a Ph.D. was the right choice, of course. What a nice ring to it! And I'm so good at Psych! Forget my passion for creative THIS and the anecdotes of the history of THAT. Just keep moving on.
Warning: spoiler ahead! People, I knew not to stay in those relationships. Those pairings were not a fit, not quite right for me, and despite it paining me to say it (gulp!): insufficient. My gut? It's done. You aren't getting what you want from this partnership. It's over. You are strong enough to move away on your own. My reality? Bandage the damn thing with four miles of gauze so it looks like it might be healthy someday. When that doesn't work? Treat him poorly. Until he leaves you. (Dramatically washes cowardly hands of it.)
(Yes, pause if you must for crickets.)
I (and Consumer Reports) knew not to buy that Sentra sans pickup, knew not to smoke that one Camel Light on the 11th-grade ski trip, knew not to treat people as subhuman so they'd move along. I just never stopped to hear my voice.
I'm done. Done and done.
I'm finally listening.
Labels: Stuff that's wrong with me
19 Comments:
Even though you are younger than me and ever so much more articutlate, Its hard not to like you. I promise, I will someday read all of your list. Its just that under this alchohol haze I am in, it hard to focus. I think you're swell. And there, I've commented, don't judge me anymore.
I too have been worried lately (about me, however). In my case, I'm turning my life upside down to see what that does. I'm leaving a good, well paying job and the booming economy in Canada's west for no job and Canada's not so booming economy in the east (Atlantic Canada). Well, the people are nicer and not so stressed and anal.
Anyway ... seems like this fall, moreso than others, is one of shake ups and changes and so on.
btw ... my iPod just happens to be playing Bob Marley's "Exodus" and, appropriately, I hear, "Are you satisfied with the life you're living?"
In my case, the answer is no. So changes are being made.
and less than momcani - there is no judging of you, honey.
And, of course, all things are fit to pass.
Whether or not you question your self or your reality, you will establish the appropriate boundaries, and then re-address from there.
It's beyond tough, but experience will educate you.
And so will Bloghurl! Woot!
AWWWWW... Kris! What's wrong with college football and wings? If I was anywhere close, I'd get us some spicy wings and we'd be hanging out every weekend while we drooled over tight ends.
*cue serious drama music*
Looking back and wondering over bad/good choices is kind of pointless. We are what we have decided to do. I believe in living, and never having to say I'm sorry. You know, like the Masai... no sense of time. That's what makes childhood so golden. No past.
I think you're pretty damn terrific, Kris. If you're ever in my neck of the woods, let's get together for college football and chicken wings.
Hey, it takes a while to tune to the radio station your gut plays upon! WKRS, if you will. At least you can hear it again! GO EASY ON YOURSELF, LADY!
The answer is simple. Kids. Lots of kids. The ambient noise they provide drowns out any and all introspection.
I feel like you're reading my mind! :) Get out of there! Anyway, glad you're having some realizations, and that you're listening to the gut. Can't wait to hear about where it takes you.
Our instincts rarely fail us. It's our interpretation of those instincts that fail us.
Good Luck!
It would be so much easier to be one of those folks who has no regrets.
Regrets - there are many. But, if you learned from you're experiences then at least you're wiser. Keep embracing what is rather than dwelling on what could have been.
God, I should write Hallmark cards.
Hey, me too. What is it, everyone is evaluating and changing their focus? I just decided to 1)look for a new job, 2) Get a law degree,
3)Stop feeling sorry for myself!
(Wish me luck on #3)
I've sat here for four minutes trying to think of a comment other than "Word," but that's pretty much it.
My gut and my brain always know what I need to do-- too bad my heart always wrestles them to the ground and muzzles them.
I think it's great that you're going to reconnect with yourself-- it's all too easy to let yourself slip away in favor of the other people and responsibilities of life.
Who ever listens to their guts? It's such an ugly word.
The only think more annoying that friends telling you that the crappy, painfil experience that you are living through at any given moment is "a learning experience" is the fact that they are right every single time.
Sounds to me like you learned a whole lot about yourself--and gone public with it! You know more about You, and that's never a bad thing.
I am both proud of you and exceedingly jealous. I haven't listened to what my gut in months and its high time I started.
instinct is good, agree with all those guys up there.
Every time I screw up, it's started with NOT listening to it....
Weird.
I though I posted a comment.
Perhaps in my imagination.
I'd like to raise a toast to "finding oneself". It's one of the most important things in the world, considering how often we do it.
I hope that this year brings you closer to who you are, because that's the person we all fell in love with when we first met you.
Cheers,
J
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