October 25, 2006
Just five more minutes, ma
5:00 am. Bug maws and paws until I am awake. I ignore him.

5:30 I choose getting up to feed the hairy ones over throwing either one or both out of the window. Trip over Cricket as she skids across hardwoods to the kitchen.

6:30 Cell phone alarm goes off, screaming Ain’t No Other Man until I can’t take it anymore and I smack said cell phone until it ceases its incessant noisemaking.

6:40 Fatigued yet ever obsessive, I worry about oversleeping, reset cell alarm for 7 am.

7:00 Repeat 6:30. Turn on Today Show. Hope for war or plague or brownout and resulting cancellation of various activities. Disappointed, I convince myself that it really is imperative that I stay in bed until I can hear that story about the man gone for months who has no memory of his life or THE WOMAN HE IS ABOUT TO MARRY, because truthfully, people, just how much would that suck FOR HER?!?

7:20 Still in repose. Matt Lauer informs me that the psychogenic fugue story isn’t up until the next half hour, in which case, I convince myself that it is really in my best interest to a) wait for the segment in the interest of humanity and furthering my immense medical knowledge in case I should ever become a psychiatrist, and b) go back to bed until it’s broadcast.

7:22 Worry about oversleeping, reset cell alarm for 8 am.

8:00 Bug, apparently forgetting that he consumed half his body weight in kibble only hours earlier, maws and paws until I am awake.

8:01 I shower. I forget to shave one leg. I dread having to dry my hair.

8:10-8:40 I brush my teeth ten different ways and contemplate tongue removal as I just don’t understand why they don’t feel clean, dammit; I realize the outfit I had planned out while showering isn’t ironed, and grab black pants and some benign and completely unfashionable top deemed “acceptable,” I actually consider leaving the litter box unscooped as I think I did it last night, then compromise by cleaning the litter but not taking the bag out. Put on foundation in case I see Cute Neighborhood Boy. Feed cats again so Bug will remove his claws from my calf. Even give them fresh water.

8:41 Intentionally forget bags of garbage. Unintentionally forget hair clip, gloves, Nano, lip gloss, AMEX, brown handbag. Try to forget that I never did see that damn amnesia segment after all.



Blogger Kelly said...

How many of us have had days like that?

[raises hand and looks around... anyone? anyone? oh, i see one over there in the other corner of the room...]

You're not alone!

Anonymous Jen said...

This pretty much sums up every morning of my life. Except my cat doesn't scratch... he "nips". Or pees. Whichever he feels like.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

My cat nips and nudges under my arm until i wake up. Cutest damn alarm clock ever!

Nice to know I'm not the only one that bashes the h*ll out of my cell phone when it rings at 6 am

Blogger Miss Scarlet said...

I hate the morning so much.

Blogger bandick said...

Is it wrong that I don't let the cats or dog, and barely let the boy, sleep with me so that I don't have to deal with them in the morning?

Blogger Rebecca said...

Yeah, my cat just runs frantically over my body, and then cries if I ignore her.

And the Today show is evil in that whole "we're going to tell you about a story now, but not actually do the story for an hour and a half, so you keep waiting until you have to run to the bus stop with one shoe.

Anonymous janet said...

that sounds like my morning, every morning. Every once in awhile I squeeze in a workout, but then I just eat twice as much breakfast as sabotage.

Blogger Egan said...

Thanks for sharing. Please don't mind the black Lincoln Continental parked across the street. Carry on.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Let's face it, mornings suck. As soon as I'm voted president, I promise I will outlaw them.

Blogger JordanBaker said...

One of the cats I sit for taps me politely to wake me up. It's kind of cool, and I can't help but feel that all cats should be trained to do the same thing.

Blogger Luck o' the Irish said...

My dog fwaps her tail against the wall next to the bed and starts panting in a 1-900 kind of way until I wake up. Sadly, this is not in the "normal morning hours", but generally around 3 am. I let her out to pee and she stands in the yard and stares. AAARGH. The kicker is when it is ACTUAL morning, the dog does not want to get up.

Anonymous Jorge said...

Ah yes.
Good ol' B&C.

You need to teach them how to order pizza, doll.

That way, you wouldn't have to get up.

Of course, you'd have to teach them how to open the door, which might cause some problems, unless you get a really big mail slot.

Blogger sipwine said...

God that sounds like my mornings, only I don't even bother to set the alarm until 6:30, before that is just silly to think I'd wake up for it

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh how I'm the same way... except I don't have a cute neighbor boy, count yourself lucky. :)

Somehow I have this complete and total mental dillusion that time spent in the shower doesn't count. I know, it doesn't make sense. So I'll wake up late but still take a nice, long shower and wonder why on earth I'm late to work.

Blogger Think Frustrated said...

My question is,

Why do you set your alarm, and plan on getting up at 6:30 if you don't leave the house until after 8:30? It doesn't seem to take you too long to get ready, so what's up with that? Surely you can stand to miss an episode of The Today Show and enjoy a little more dreaming...

Blogger kimmay said...

i love those cats! and you too. :)

Blogger Jessica said...

That sounds like a regular wake up at my house! Minus the kitties. I do miss kitties though!

Blogger Bill said...

You know, I acquired a morning depression just reading that. Now that's some kinda writin'!

Blogger Mone said...

I hit the snooze button on the alarm only three times this morning. But that was only because its Friday and I want to get of work early ;)

Blogger ejtakeslife said...


Mornings. At least you remembered to feed the cats! I never do, and mine spends all day shedding all over my bedspread for revenge.

Anonymous Aimee said...

OMG, "Ain't No Other Man" is the LOUDEST MOST STARTLING ringtone EVER.

Blogger takin chances said...

For never having met you, we have strangely similar lives.

And apparently fat cats. :)Just wish I had a cute neighborhood boy...I always put make up on in the car while driving with me knee on the way to work.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Danielle says:

hey evary1 go on de iternet n type in this:
then go on web
then type in this:
five more minutes
then go on the first thin u see at the top of the page and click on it then press play and watch it becuase it is really funny

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