October 18, 2006
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Ways
MSN got all up in my grill this morning with an article detailing the 10 Reasons Men Won’t Commit. I was pretty excited as I thought they were referencing my favorite subject: homicide, but apparently they were talking about the coupling that is marriage. Despite my disappointment, I read on. Their reasons, and my reactions*, follow.

10 Reasons Men Won't Commit

Reason 1: Men can get sex without marriage more easily than in times past. So can women. What’s the point? And given how many Mary Sues have been shipped off for nine months to their “aunt’s house in the country,” I’m gonna go ahead and say it probably hasn’t been all that difficult to get it for some time now.

Reason 2: Men can enjoy the benefits of having a wife by cohabiting rather than marrying. If by enjoy the benefits of having a wife, they mean “have someone pick on you for leaving your towel on the floor, criticize the type of mediciney mouthwash you insist on using, and less frequent sex,” I’m not really getting it. Maybe that’s just my old relationships.

Reason 3: Men want to avoid divorce and its financial risks. Are women still getting 50% of their spouse’s assets? I know some women who are giving that much to their husbands in their divorces. Esquires, please do weigh in on this one. And note that I typed esquires. Escorts can keep quiet.

Reason 4: Men want to wait until they are older to have children. This one makes sense to me. Anyone see that GA-Runaway-Bride-eyed contestant on the Bachelor? The one who’s 23 and incessantly talking about her timeline? And stressing the fact that being on the show and marrying the Blaine look-alike will put her right where she needs to be to procreate by 30? It makes me shudder. I can’t imagine what it does to the opposite sex. Dude repellant.

Reason 5: Men fear that marriage will require too many changes and compromises. Which is clearly so much worse than living in your parents’ basement, Cliff Clavin.

Reason 6: Men are waiting for the perfect soul mate and she hasn't yet appeared. SPOILER ALERT: There is no perfect soul mate, asshats! There are perfect days at the beach with a breeze and without a burn, perfect pizzas with just the right balance of cheese and sauce, and perfect margaritas. Perfection is an unrealistic expectation for someone who will spend decades sharing your roof. Or so my Chicken Soup books tell me.

Reason 7: Men face few social pressures to marry. In all seriousness, do women face social pressures to marry? I feel the pressure to have children (inspired by such insightful statements as, “but who will wash you when you are too old to wash yourself?”), but interestingly enough, no pressure to marry. Discuss.

Reason 8: Men are reluctant to marry a woman who already has children. Because we all know how mean, unnurturing, uncaring, inflexible, and hardhearted mothers can be. Next.

Reason 9: They want to own a house before they get a wife. I’m actually all for this. I’m pretty sure that I will never be financially stable, so if he comes with a home and a working car or skateboard, even better.

Reason 10: Men want to enjoy a single life as long as they can. I don’t have that much to say about this one. I can definitely appreciate the thinking behind this. And we all know that space is hard to compromise and routines hard to break. But I would hate to think that men would miss out on the beauty of a long-term commitment because they were afraid nights with the guys would suddenly be taboo. Which of course they would be.

*I am not married, nor have I ever been, nor will I likely ever be, unless this adopt-a-Malawian-husband thing pans out, so all opinions should be taken with a grain of salt and the knowledge that they are based upon a rather long series of fulfilling yet failed relationships. Awesome.

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39 Comments:

Anonymous janet said...

this kind of crap is exactly why I switched to gmail. I couldn't stand MSN's "headlines."

Blogger Trish said...

Ha Ha good list!

Don't know about the skateboard part though. They only look good with teenagers on them...if a man is old enough to shave regularily and drive a car then he needs to lose the skateboard.

Just sayin'

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sing it, Sister! And sign me up for that adopt-a-husband thing. They come house-broken, right? Oh, then nevermind.

Blogger tfg said...

As a never married, childless, 34 y.o. male, I can say that the primary reason I haven't married is due to Item 5. I've seen so many horrible divorces that I'm very leery of putting myself in a position where I might have to go through it. Well, it's either that or my propensity for bedwetting. I always get that mixed up.

Anonymous Jorge said...

You had me at skateboard.

Blogger Egan said...

I'm not sure why your still single. If you can patronize a MSN top ten list, you've got what it takes. I'm glad you didn't take this opportunity to bash men. We can be caring folks too.

Anonymous alyndabear said...

Ha! They're waiting for their perfect soul mate. I hope they have a comfortable seat and some snacks, because she aint walking through the door anytime soon.

Unless she's in the form of a blow up doll.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I thought #9 was why you married a divorced woman. They already come with a house.

Make sure you thank the ex for this when you finally meet him in person. Thanks for the house, dude.

Blogger JordanBaker said...

I've always thought that the reason both men and women are less likely to get married now than in the past is because we're a generation almost entirely made up of utterly repellant personalities, and once anyone knows us long enough to make marriage plausible, they're disgusted enough by us to realize that we're entirely unmarriageable.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

* I have been married, and divorced, and agree with ALL your opinions. No need for that grain of salt.

Reason 3 - I couldn't agree more. I've def. given more than 50%... haven't seen ANY spousal assets. WTF is up with that??? Is there an esquire in the house?

Conclusion - Marriage is HARD. It takes two very strong, committed, patient, loyal people. And men aren't the only ones afraid to commit. If needed, I could come up with well over 100 reasons why I won't get married again. Suck it, MSN.

Blogger Freewheel said...

Are you sure this isn't the top ten reasons men don't commit homicide?

Your analysis is wonderful.

Blogger Finn said...

Once again, it's all HER fault.

I love your answers. Marry me?

Blogger Candace said...

Wait, wait, WAIT. Did MSN actually have "get a wife?" GET a wife? WTF? Now wives are acquisitions? We're THINGS? Bah.

Blogger Genevieve said...

ok, so I feel like I know more guys who want to be married than girls. Guys who say things like "we're not getting any younger." (which, let me tell you, did not make me think, "hum, true, so let's get married!") MSN must know different men than I do.

Blogger reluctant dater said...

that was awesome.

as a former esquire who "specialized" in breaking up marriages and ruining families, i can speak for virginia's laws: it is what is known as an "equitable distribution" state. this means that each party gets what is "fair" based on their history, assets, etc.

what this really means is whoever has the most brazen and hard nosed lawyer "wins."

Blogger kristen said...

great post!!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

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Blogger Rothko said...

Nice post! As a married man, I might add another one. It's similar to #6, and it pertains to men as much as women: People overthink. This isn't something you decide with a 'pros and cons' list. It's done with the right half of your brain. Or by consulting the stars, or maybe your stomach.

Oh, and there's nothing like a perfect pizza, but sometimes it's that slight imbalance that makes it that much better!

Blogger Chika said...

okay, I hear your ire, but I have to tell you that #7 -- the pressure to marry is definitely on. There's no way that when you're in your 30s and all your friends are coupling off and procreating, that you don't feel like your behind. Men, at least the ones I know, just don't feel this pressure. Not from their parents like we do, and not from their boys. In fact, I think their boys make fun of them for trying to settle down.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sorry, did I miss the link for the adopt-a-Malawian-husband?

Blogger DC Cookie said...

I think in North Dakota, these statistics would be a little bit different...

Anonymous Sex & Moxie said...

Depending on where you live, men have many more options than women. That's why they're unwilling to commit. They just don't have to settle, at least that's how they think.

For the most part, I think this list is on target.

Anonymous jen said...

I'm not a lawyer yet, but statistics on men and women's status after a divorce generally find women are 20-45% (depending on which research you reference) worse off financially, and men are 15-25% better off.

The older I get, oddly enough, the less pressure I feel to get married.

Blogger Egan said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Blogger Egan said...

Sex & Moxie - huh, I'm not sure I agree with this "men have many more options" thing. What makes you say that? I happen to be married, but I have many male friends in their early 30s that aren't even dating.

We may not have a "biological clock ticking", but it doesn't mean we're unwilling to commit. Just like women their age, they haven't met the right person is all.

I feel bad that society values a married person more than a single person.

Blogger Chantel said...

I guess I could start an argument pro-single-motherhood but that might get me into trouble.

I think I just found another reason why I'm still single....errrr actually, I think its the zit on my forehead.

Anonymous Bitter Angry Guy said...

The math doesn't work for single women at a certain age. it's sad but true. Can't say it's definitely 30 or 35 or 32 but I do know that the options for single women become considerably limited in this range. Why? Most of the men they'd target for a relationship are either married or divorced. And the rare single men their age who have never been married are serial daters who tend to shop young. It's a fact.

And it's also why so many women in their 30s eventually and ultimately settle, marry a chump, a fucking Poindexter (usually older and financial secure), and spend the rest of their lives convincing themselves that they're happy. Nothing romantic about being a single 38 year-old woman past her prime. Every woman knows it and that's why lists this piss women off so much.

Anonymous Heather said...

Oh helpful MSN, how you have failed us with advice designed for 1956. Asshats.

Blogger kristen said...

um, ok...so you've made me into a blog designer addict. i liked your new digs so i sought out for a fresh look. thanks for the inspiration!

Blogger Marissa said...

love your post, HATE the msn article! blech. that's all i have to say about that!

Blogger Juliness said...

I must be the exception because he got the house. I think Jen's right on with those stats too...he's sitting pretty and I'm scrambling to start over.

Great post, Kris! Even though that article sucks and makes me want to throw breakable objects against a wall. Wait, maybe the talking about my ex brings on those reactions.

Blogger Amber said...

I think that the original article should have included your comments. Because that makes it way more interesting and also? TOTALLY TRUE. Clearly the person who wrote the article feels every single one of those ten things, which is why they live in their mom's basement playing Halo and thinking up stupid reasons not to commit.

Blogger Nancy Drew said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Blogger Nancy Drew said...

Right on Sista!! What is this crap with oddballs thinking that women want to be married?! That kind of stuff went out with the 50s!!!

Shit I'm a 54 year old making ...well let's put it this way, don't need a guy financially. Am OK emotionally. Have a rabbit vibrator and tons of pals, male and female.

Lonely? Sh*t no. Happy, Sh*t yah. Fulfilled? Yep.

Need a husband? Nope.

MSN's articles belongs in the 50s.

Was probably written by a guy. Or a really odd woman.

Blogger sink sink socks said...

And the feller studied a minute, sexspielzeug toys bestellen and then says, kinder sad like,Well, I'm only a stranger here, and I ain't got no frog; but if I hada frog, I'd bet you.

Blogger Eve said...

hahahaha.

That 'article' really burned my bacon too.

You're writing is hilarious!

Blogger Wanderlusting said...

I found your list to be much more encouraging then msn's (which I also swiped to my blog and made begrudging comments about)...

Did you see today's msn headline? 8 Reasons Women Cheat...

...probably because of the 10 you just listed ;)

Blogger Claven said...

WTF? I haven't been here for about a year, and you've been bagging on my living situation this whole time?

Blogger Christine said...

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