October 16, 2006
I'm a Size 2
I lie.

A lot.*

For those who know me in the Real World: DC, don’t fret; I lie not to you, close confidantes and drinking acquaintances, but instead to strangers. On the Metro. In the freaking Dress Barn (please don’t ask me what I was ever doing in Dress Barn; surely flashbacks and non-hilarity would ensue). And I lie at restaurants and to neighbors and the homeless for no apparent reason.

Setting: Retail store, Northern Virginia

Store clerk: “Can I help you find something, or are you just here to look at our shoes?”

Kris the Liar: “No, thank you. I’m just here to look at all of your items . . . Can't help myself. I just LOVE shopping.”

Truth: I abhor, detest, hate and loathe that reportedly female pastime called shopping. I buy online when at all possible (I don’t think I entered a mall during the last holiday season, and if I did, I blocked it from my memory just as I do my annual ob/gyn visit). I was there for the sole reason of checking out their shoes, as I have had the damndest time finding an acceptable pair of brown boots for fall. I didn’t mean to fib; I just didn’t want this lovely woman to woo me and my wallet by detailing the personal benefits of purchasing the black ankle-height pair at 20% off and bringing out photos of the grandchildren she hasn’t seen since last Easter at Joan’s house. And had I seen the bedazzled turkey sweaters all mine on a two-fer? Ugh.

Setting No. 2: Grocery store checkout line, Washington, DC

Cashier: “Ooooh. This pasta looks great. What are you thinking of making?”

Kris the Fraud: “Probably baked ziti. It’s really good!”

Truth: What? I knew full well as those words passed my lips that the only place I ever consume baked ziti is at my mother’s dinner table. I also knew full well that I planned to take that pasta home, boil it in an inadequate amount of water, in my infinite hunger strain it before it had even reached al dente status, dump cold Ragu on it, and consume it while plopped on the couch watching Forensic Files. No reason to lie. That answer would have been sufficient, however unfortunate the interpersonal scarring my lengthy account may have inflicted on the kind cashier.

The baby Jesus weeps in a manger far away.

And perhaps most egregious, Setting No 3: Outside a 7-11, Washington, DC

Man: “Miss, could you spare any change?”

Kris the Phony: “Ooooh, sorry. I just charged these things (dramatically hoists up bountiful bags of 7-11 goods) and don’t have any cash on me. I’m sorry . . .

Truth: I probably had at least a Vegas day’s winning of unneeded quarters and dimes and most useless pennies in my purse. But I was in a hurry and the bags were kind of heavy and wasn’t I a good person anyhow being that yesterday I gave real cash American money to that homeless woman at the highway exit? And after all, I did have that excellent episode of First 48 to rewatch at home, given that I really didn’t get the full flavor of the Memphis Homicide Department or that corpse in the bathtub the FIRST THREE TIMES I WATCHED IT. Ugh again.

Now if you'll excuse me, I really must run. You see, Bug somehow glued his back legs together with epoxy and Truman Capote is on his way over for mac and cheese . . .

*I should admit here – in the interest of truth and the Hall of Justice, of course – that I have written about this pathology before. I frankly am too lazy at this moment to search the archives and feel the need to confess the offense anyhow.



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Blogger Wicked H said...

Online shopping is the bomb!!!

Peapod and I are like this!

Fibs or not, we still love you.

Anonymous Irish Red said...

Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off.

~Alice Ayres (Natalie Portman), Closer

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I do most of my Christmas shopping online as well...I just hate malls too much at Christmas time (which around here starts mid-October). As for lying...I do it out of convenience because I dislike small talk with strangers and will say just enough to be polite but not to invite further pointless yakking.

As for your previous post about stat-counter I couldn't agree more. I still have mine going out of habit but it's weird information is driving me crazy.

Blogger Kelly said...

White lies... And even if by definition a lie is a lie is a lie, they still aren't hurting anyone.

The homeless begging for change? They often make a profit. And then blow it on video games or some suchery.

Sales people are often the most insincere of the lot, so no worries. Admittedly, I sometimes wear headphones [not atteached to anything, but the cord is stuck in my pocket as though it is] just to avoid conversation. I can't tell you the number of funny looks received when the cord unbeknownst to me fell out of the pocket and dangled while I hummed and bopped my head... Er.

But yes, you weren't harming anyone.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

They can't handle the truth.

You're better off lying to them. We really get along better when we're all just "fine."

Anonymous Jorge said...

I think you don't lie enough.


By extending or bending the truth, there is a lot of potential for hilarity. This, of course, could be documented here, on this very blog!

When you come visit, let's all lie. You and Mrs. J can be a couple, and I'll be your pool boy.

Anonymous wordgirl said...

Oh, hey...who DOESN'T do that occasionally? Telemarketers selling photo packages for studios get told that my father-in-law (really a lawyer) is a professional photographer. They'll never know. I hate shopping, too.

Blogger Kiki said...

I lie about insignificant things. Like I tell men I'm older than I really am, and I lie about my profession. Not because I'm ashamed, but because I don't think it's anyone's business. So, you're not alone.

Blogger Paige Jennifer said...

Whenever an online guy asks me to describe my build (insert panic attack here), I fib that I'm a size ten. I'm really a twelve. But I do own some skirts in a ten. I just make a mental note to pick one of my tens out of the closet for the first date. Listen, if things go well and my clothing ends up on the floor with the tag exposed, I can't risk him catching me in a lie. Yeah, I'm officially a nut.

Blogger Finn said...

I can totally understand the retail thing - I'll let you know when I need your help, thanks, now fuck off.

And the homeless thing? Well, I understand that too. I don't, as a rule, give any of them money because I can't give ALL of them money.

But I really don't understand why you lied to the cashier about the ziti. I could totally see it if you said something really funny or gross...

Anonymous Jorge said...

What the Jeezus H?


Why, if you'd told us 1/2 hour earlier, we'd have TOTALLY flown down from Canuckleland to make it.



Anonymous gorillabuns said...

i understand your disease.

i have the same one and am seeking help.

Blogger Laurie said...

The setting: The Canadian border.

Border Patrol Agent: "Do you have anything to declare?"

Me: "Um, what would I declare?"

Border Patrol Agent, noticing the Marlboro between my shaky fingers: "Cigarettes. How many packs do you have?"

Me: "Oh, haha! Just this one." [Shakes pack at hand for emphasis.]


Why? Why must I lie?

I'm just glad I'm not alone.

Blogger Buffy said...

I hate shopping too. I love gearing up for it. And I love internet perusals. But the idea of actually going out for a girly day of...makes me kinda sick to my stomach. I dont know why.

Blogger mamalujo1 said...

I always tell the truth.

Blogger Evil Genius said...

Add me to the list of women who hate shopping!! I do as much of everything online as possible.

I also lie to strangers for no apparent - or logical - reason, in the same sorts of situations you described. I don't have any idea why, it just seems easier to give them the answer I figure they most want to hear so they'll let it drop and leave me be.

Blogger Kris said...

I love, Love, LOVE that we're all just a bunch of FREAKS.

Did I type that out loud?

Blogger yournamehere said...

When someone asks me "How are you?" I always say "Fine" instead of "I'm THIS close to stabbing my own heart with a ball point pen."

That's probably a lie, huh?

Blogger Megarita said...

Oh, if it weren't for these little indiscretions the world would come to a screeching halt. You're totally fine.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I planned to take that pasta home, boil it in an inadequate amount of water, in my infinite hunger strain it before it had even reached al dente status, dump cold Ragu on it, and consume it while plopped on the couch ...

Ooooh, sorry. I just charged these things and don’t have any cash on me. I’m sorry

Oh my gosh. I think we may be living parallel lives.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I totally lie like dog when homeless people ask me for money.

"Oh, I don't have any" (while sipping my Starbucks latte)

"Can't help, you, sorry." (purse weighed down with change)

"Huh?" (While on ipod and damn near jogging to get past them)

Blogger Alicat said...

I like in situations where I just dont feel like dealing with too many questions.

My aunts all asked me what I did for a living after I hadn't seen them for 10 years. I happily replied, "Nothing."

They looked surprised and said, "Nothing?" (They are all career ladies)

And I said, "Well, I budget very well, so I don't HAVE to work."

HAH. So not true -- and I do work when I feel like it, but I felt the need to be a little 'znatchy to them sinced they dissed me when I got married.

Blogger Alicat said...

sorry *lie not LIKE. Ugh.

Blogger Slade said...

hey girl...sorry I haven't commented in forever...still enjoy reading you though!

I don't know why we do this...I find myself exagerating on several occassions...why do I have to say that there were 50 spiders when there were only 5? Why do I have to say that I waited 30 minutes for a light to change, when I only waited 2? I think everyone does a little lying now and then...

Blogger Margaret said...

I feel creative when I lie.

Blogger Amber said...

You crack me up. I love that you lie about random stuff, not just to cover up something. I should try that...

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just found your blog a couple weeks ago and I must say that you are by far one of the funniest bloggers in the area. Keep it up!

Anonymous alyndabear said...

I think we're all guilty of that, Kris m'dear. I know I am.

AND I DO IT MY CLASS. I'm going to Hades.

"Miss, can I use the electric sharpener?" "No chook, I think it's broken."

**Too lazy to get it off the shelf**


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are not alone! It's the little white lies told to strangers that I have the hardest time keeping myself from telling. It just seems more humane and polite than, "I don't know you. I know you mean well, but back off. I'm not sharing anything personal from my life with you and I could not care less about you or your opinions."

In an effort to avoid those types of lies I frequently revert to silence and a blank stare. My fiance says that may actually be more rude.

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Blogger Eve said...

I lie in that way too. For me, I think it's a way of telling people to mind their own fucking business. (I guess I just tell kind of sick lies...)

Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Baked Ziti" is a perfectly acceptable lie. It is an answer that enjoys an economy of words when a truthful answer would require a conversation with somebody who really didn't care what the answer was to the question they forgot asking as soon as you started answering it.

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