September 7, 2006
Sweet Baby Jebus, I Know It's a Trite Entry and Everyone's Doing It, But . . .
So I can't tell if I was right, or horribly, porridgey wrong.

Please tell me first that we can acknowledge that all babies are not, by virtue, CUTE. If we can agree on this, we can all move forward together. We're walking, we're walking . . .

And so it is with Suri Cruise.


Please tell me you saw that Vanity Fair cover up close. I know that I'll be attacked for this, but I am quite sure that in '73 Willard Scott owned and wore with pride that baby's toupee while reporting on Tropical Storm Gilda. Seriously. This cover does not introduce a baby worthy of an Oprah couch jump

Which is sad. Because both parents are gorgeous, one a little less so because of his ridiculous obsession with, well, himself, and the other a little more so due to her total disregard for paparazzi when she has, say, four to 12 cold sores. That bold move alone would get you invited to any of my happy hours, Ms. Kate.

So that was my initial, Wednesday-morning verdict. Let's move to the afternoon.

Enter my friends who clearly menstruated at age 6, who can't fathom that I would not find a creature of the womb to be Godlike, who might even find Ethan Hawke to be aesthetically acceptable.

"You are a loser." Ok, I can take it.

"Your cats are ugly!" THEY. SO. ARE NOT!

"You wouldn't know a cute baby if it knocked you in the chin!" That one hurt.

So I did a little research and found one of the mag's internal pictures of little Sorry Suri, and she was actually quite beautiful. Striking blue eyes, the cuddly pudge we all try so hard to lose the minute we recognize it, unblemished eggshell skin.

It was a breathtaking photo of mother and child that made me want to share my life with a small, dependent, vomitous, blue-eyed human being.

Nah.

But come to think of it, I haven't been drop dead in every one of my snapshots.

Hmmm. Maybe I should be more accepting.



39 Comments:

Blogger Amber said...

Accepting? Bah. I mean, your hair alone in that picture qualifies it as drop dead.

And I am one of those people who thinks Suri is cute. I didn't WANT to, since her dad is detestable and her mom is a zombie, but I love babies. Although I also don't fault you for thinking she's not cute. Her hair IS a little cruise-azy.

Blogger babyjewels said...

If that kid had yellow gold hair, he'd be a dead ringer for the Donald.

Blogger t2ed said...

I hope that kid gets his height, her talent and none of the crazy. But I'm betting crazy is the dominant trait in the chlorinated end of that gene pool.

Seriously though, Laura Branigan wants her hair back. And I know you've got acid wash jeans on in that pix too.

Blogger Mel said...

The shoulder pads. The perm. The BANGS. Could it be... the WAVE?!

Good lord, this is irrefutable proof that we were twins separated at birth. Not that I ever doubted it.

And Suri? Doesn't make my clock tick either.

Blogger afromabq said...

i'm with amber...i think she's really cute....a cross between both parents, who although are weird in their own right, but are part of the beautiful people of this world. i think they passed it along.

and you with that 80's hair (even though i'm thinking it wasn't taken in the 80's)...gotta love it!

Blogger JordanBaker said...

It's totally a muppet.

Blogger I-66 said...

I don't believe anything until I see a live DNA test.

Blogger JoJo said...

Ohmigod! I had your hair just prior to HS graduation! Ah, the memories...what made me sad is how much time I spent each morning trying to get my hair to look exactly like your picture.

Blogger dasi said...

I dunno - at first glance I thought Suri looked Asian - which led to my theory that there WAS no baby and psycho boy just kidnapped this one... but then I looked a little closer and I guess she does kind of look a little Cruise-ish... And her hair? It will probably all fall out and then hopefully grow back looking less like a toupee, for her sake. Cute? Well, that's debatable... Jury's still out on that one...

And PLEASE!! Your picture is the ULTIMATE!!! Have some pride in your style savvy - you must've ruled back then! ;)

Blogger Freewheel said...

Suri was embarrassed to be photographed with her obnoxious parents and wore the toupee as a disguise. Also, her eyes aren't that blue - she's got color contacts in.

Anonymous Sweet said...

I used to have big hair like that too! Oh the 80s...

Blogger Finn said...

It's the hair. No child that young shoul d have that hair. Babies should be bald, period.

On the cover she looks like her daddy, which, back in the day, I would have thought a good thing. Now not so much. And I love that shot of Katie and Suri. It's lovely.

Blogger Paige Jennifer said...

Okay, someone please explain to me how a gay man who doesn't sleep with women is capable of contributing to reproductive process resulting in an Asian looking baby?

Let's just say I destroyed all bih hair pictures similar to the one you posted. Especially the one that was a full body shot and showed my favorite paperbag waist, acid washed denim, shorts with plaid patches. Yeah. Burned the evidence.

Blogger Irish Red said...

HAHAHA. FABULOUS! I completely agree - not every baby is cute. I'm sorry, they come out all gooey and sticky and the cry and I'm supposed to swoon?? PUHLEESE

Hey, no one's judgeing you for having a perm in the 80s! Carry on, Mama!

Blogger Heather B. said...

Awww, I think Suri is cute and looks liker her mother.

And you are rocking those bangs eh?

Anonymous Jorge said...

t2ed: His height? Her talent? HAHHAHAHAH!

Best joke I read all day.

Anonymous Maliavale said...

Blogging Truth No. 1,452: We can never have too much of the bangs.

Defamer was referring to Suri as an Asian rental baby, which made me laugh.

Blogger mysterygirl! said...

The baby has a cute face, but I agree that it must be wearing some tiny wig. If she had giant bangs, THEN we could talk. :) She also seems pretty big and strong for being so young, but I know nothing about how fast babies grow.

Blogger Chantel said...

OK, my hair looks like that every single day.

And not all babies are created equal. Some are just plain ugly.
And I'm a mother.

Blogger Evil Genius said...

I'm with freewheel on this one. The kid is definitely trying to disguise her identity.

And with those two as parents, I mean seriously, wouldn't you?

Hopefully she'll lose the toupee just about the time daddy Cruise starts needing it. hahaha

Blogger Margaret said...

You were an 80's hair artist! I never achieved bangs like that and am strangely retro-jealous... Tiny Asian wigs, on the other hand, not so hard to do.

Blogger Miss Scarlet said...

Haha, I just jumped on that couch for that one, ha!

Blogger Egan said...

Did you know Willard Scott was the original Ronald McDonald?

Anonymous nabbalicious said...

God, I didn't want to think the kid was cute, but...she kind of is.

Wait...who said that?! Not me. Nope.

Blogger goldennib said...

First, not all babies are cute. we just say that because you can't give plastic surgery to a 2 week old child.

Second, TC is not good looking and he's an ass.

Third, that pic on the cover is not very flattering.

Fourth, in some of the others, the babe is cuter.

Fifth, I don't really care. I could have waited alot longer.

Blogger Vince said...

She looks old. Like a shrunken down woman. I'm scared.

Blogger Jessica said...

I think she has a future as an Elvis impersonator if the baby hair doesn't fall out!

Blogger Bill said...

I take comfort in the knowledge that at this point in the kid's life, she doesn't give a rat's ass what anyone thinks. Including me.

Too bad she has to lose that.

Blogger Keith said...

I know babies and that is the oddest looking child I have ever seen.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is that really a picture of you? Because it looks EXACTLY like my cousin, circa 1986.

Blogger missbhavens said...

Take it from a Labor & Delivery nurse...NOT all babies are cute. That is likely the reason that baby was kept under wraps for so long. They were actually waiting for it to become more telegenic, which is pretty disgusting if you ask me, but then again, I'm not a Hollywood A-Lister so what do I know...then again, Katie's a C-Lister and Tom's got no studio behind him anymore so what do they know, either.

That being said, it's an okay-looking baby. Especially considering the fact that its not his and it really was grown in petri dish in a Scientology lab in LA.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Where have I been?! I didn't even realize Suri had come out of hiding! And you're right...not all babies are cute. Except for my precious five-day-old neice who smacked herself in her eye with her tiny fist as she exited the birth canal. She's adorable, shiner and all.

Blogger kimmay said...

does this mean you want one of your own now???

Blogger Brookelina said...

Nice hair. Both of you.

Anonymous KB said...

I LOVE YOUR CURLY HAIR! My hair was so exactly the same...in 1995. :)

Blogger Nancy Drew said...

Ditto what everyone up there said. Your hair ALONE is DDG. The baby? I'm not a baby person, but think it's cute.

Now for the parents.

Hate being judgemental.

BUT.

Mom: Catlike.
Dad: Short/Opinionated/Loud.

Sorry, but short men usually in my experience = trouble. Think any major troublemaker in the world, usually short. Any major troublemaker in my life, usually under 5'8". Sorry....know that this is going to bring down the wrath of every guy under 5'8" on my head... but there it is.

Feel very sorry for that kid re her father, she's got a heck of a lot (e.g. noise) to deal with.

Blogger Chief Scientist said...

I am okay with everything you say except that Ethan Hawke stuff. Except for spending a few years getting to throw Uma Thurman around a Motel 6 I can't think of a single redeeming quality in the guy.

Blogger NewYorkMoments said...

I just love how they're using the kid.

Blogger Sandra said...

Suri the publicity machine looks suspiciously like Squiggy from Laverne & Shirley.

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