September 3, 2006
I Swear to God and Oprah, I Really Am a Good Person
Ye, you regular readers, you know that I am trying to get back to basics. (I love you, Aguilera!) I left myself for a time, lost my senses, and ended up an uber bitch. I'm well back to where I need to be.

Or so I thought.

This weekend, DC et al. got smacked with a little somethin' somethin' we call a tropical storm/rain puddle/excessive sprinkle. Nothing your average city couldn't handle. Nothing your average driver couldn't get his '92 Tercel up on.

Before I run off at the blog, let me preface this story by giving you a little background into my motherland. We didn't get off of school for rain. We didn't stay home for hail. When it snowed, the townie drunk plows began humming when the first crystals fell from the sky, and if there was fewer than a fathom of glistening white on the ground, I was trudging my way to elementary in galoshes and an excessively pleated, very purple concoction that Mom zipped the entire way up past my massive chin.


On Friday, a friend stopped by to say that his roommate had been released from work early due the rain.

I scoffed. "Uh, it is just RAIN."

He added, "but our basement flooded last time this happened."

I kept (read: ranted) on. "People around here need to get. over. it. IT IS JUST RAIN. This isn't the apocalypse."

Oh yes. I kept going. "Uh, we will survive these five inches WITH OUR WIPERS ON LOW and we won't have to fill our tubs or raid the Slevs (7-11s, btw) for dairy and bread and maxi pads. WE WILL SURVIVE, asshats. Sheesh."

He looked shocked.

I looked puzzled in return. I mean, d'uh?


Yeah, reason #537289104738 that I'm definitely not a sensitive person.

Talk to you next week. I'm in time out.



Blogger Brookelina said...

You are going to hell my friend. I'm going too, but not because I'm insensitive. I'm going cause of my slutty ways back in my 20's. And my way is better. So buck up, be nice, and start whoring around so we can hang out in hell together.

Blogger Jessica said...

Um, yeah....what Brooke said! ;)

Anyway, ouch! I'm always putting my foot in too, but I'm sure your friend will survive. Hope it dries out soon!

Blogger Irish Red said...

I KNOW! The snow had to be above the frecking stop signs for us to get a snow day - here all you need is a 30% chance of ANYTHING and they'll close school!

Terrorists don't need bombs to destroy DC...they just need precipitation!

Blogger Danielle said...

Have a nice time out. I'm totally with you about weather whiners (disaster victims being exceptions). So lame. My neighbor got to miss school when there was a single snowflake, when I would have to go not matter what. I hater her. But seriously, people need to learn to live and function (ie. drive) in inclement weather... Or else they should move to LA.

Blogger Finn said...

I like the whoring thing, too. Can a sistah hook me up?

Hell is going to be so much fun. I'll save you a seat. xo

Blogger twobuyfour said...

Huzzah! K, you may have put your pretty little foot in your mouth with your Katrina displaced friend, but there's a big difference between 5" of rain and a freaking hurricane. My money is on your friend understanding the difference.

I'm from So.Cal., and we never had snow days or rain days or wind days or anything. Sometimes it was so hot we couldn't run during PE, but we still had to go outside.

When my kids were small we lived in a tiny town in VT and we had the best road crew in the world (from an adult/driver perspective). We'd get four feet of snow and the little tiny school would be open and the bus would be running. I could get to work in the city while my coworkers who lived there were still whining about how they couldn't get out of their driveways.

Bunch of crybabies.

Blogger Megarita said...

UGH. That hurt me!! OW! But this wasn't Katrina, you know? This was . . .Ernesto or someone.

Hideous faux pas, though. I'd expect nothing less!!

Blogger JordanBaker said...

You're still on a level of hell above the members of my immediate family, most of whom have acknowledged that the hurricane worked out pretty well for us. . .all things considered.

Blogger Wicked H said...

Time out is better spent with lots of VINO. If you don't have enough, send out a smoke signal or something.

Blogger femme d'espoir said...

Time out on the naughty bench isn't so bad. Gives us time to gossip and ogle the boys

Blogger mysterygirl! said...

HAha! That's so embarrassing. But I like to think that someone who lived through a hurricane would find it ridiculous the way that people tend to overreact about weather in general here.

Then again, this comes from the person who discussed the post-hurricane weather that came through here 3 years ago in sarcastic terms of "what we'll do when the school blows down." And then school actually was cancelled for a few days due to storms/downed power lines. So what do I know?

Anonymous carmen said...

Well, we were hit by Ernesto pretty bad, and I blogged about it.

And then I got a comment from someone who went through Katrina.

I'll join you in time out, my friend.

Blogger Mr. Cabrera said...

sister you just keep on keepin on. Many of face trials in our life but you know as I do, that we are both blessed.

Blogger Keith said...

You know this means the Baltimore-DC metro area is just 6 weeks away from its first "threatening to" snow day.

Anonymous Jorge said...

Poor, poor Kris.

We need to enroll you in some of Terry Tate's classes.

Blogger t2ed said...

Don't feel too bad. My friends in Houston turned on the Hurricane Katrina refugees long ago.

And don't forget, when we went to school, MeeMaw, it was uphill both ways when it snowed.

Blogger afromabq said...

oh kris - that was really bad! so why am i smiling???

Anonymous nabbalicious said...

Meep! That SO sounds like something I would do.

Blogger playfulinnc said...

Stick it to 'em. Sensitive has nothing to do with being realistic.

At least in my book.

But I am in time out a lot.

Blogger Woman with kids said...

Ummm, oops? Don't worry, in time he'll forget why he thinks you're an ass, and just remember that you're an ass...for some reason. I once worked with mentally challenged adults. One of the "clients" was teasing me not to forget to do something, and I responded, "Well, duh, I'm not retarded." Yum, tasty foot.

Anonymous gorillabuns said...

don't worry, i live in tornado alley. we are in a state of constant tragedy. as for the foot in mouth disease, it's alive and well in the gorillabuns household and i'm the queen bee champion holder. don't even think about trying to take it away from me.

Blogger MKD said...

What was reason 52869364620? Just curious.

Anonymous mrs. jorge said...

Oh mama, you make me laugh. At least that foot you put in your mouth doesn't have smelly shoes cuz we know how that works now, don't we!?!


Can't wait to see you.

Blogger dasi said...

Ouch! Sounds like something I would do. Well, I wouldn't worry too much, sensitivity is DEFINITELY overrated...!

Blogger Freewheel said...

Ernesto was a little itty bitty baby, while Katrina was Godzilla on steroids. So, IMO, your rant was right on target. On the other hand, I can be a thick-headed clod at times, so don't gauge the appropriateness of your rants based on what I say.

Anonymous Dave said...

Mmmmm.... foot tastes yummy.

Anonymous Sweet said...

This happens to us all at some point dear. I remember my first day of college, when I was just getting to know my hall, and we were introducing ourselves by asking each other silly questions. Well one girl really put her foot in her mouth when she asked a blind girl what her favorite color was. Eek!

Blogger Kris said...

I just surfed on to your page and umm damn LOL... I'm not sure whether to laugh or not but if you believe in the power of Oprah you can't be all THAT bad.

Blogger Knoxie said...

We love you ... and so does Oprah!

Kind regards,


Blogger Trundling Grunt said...

Oh feck - bad move. One of those "ohmygodIsowishIcouldrewindthosewords" moments that we all have. But you did miss that the Slevs are also raided for ciggies and lottery tickets - at least, the ones round here are every time a cloud appears.

Anonymous eva said...

Run off at the blog, HA! I died laughing at that single line. Oh here I go again with the laughter. That was good.

Blogger mere said...

Speaking for Texas, the weather changes every 2 seconds and if you are paralyzed by a little rain/hail/F5 tornadic activity then you're hosed. We've got Katrina refugees and it was sad until crime rose dramatically and there has been no increase in valuable culture that anyone has noticed.
You're not going to hell. I guess I might be, though.

It didnt even rain that much with Katrina.... at least, that is what my mom and dad say.... they were there..... it wasnt the rain that messed the hell out of my city which I can never go back to now..... it was those damn LEVYS!

You arent going to hell. I bitch at Katrina people all the time. Mostly for staying in the damn city when a freaking hurricane was on its way. And it doesnt matter that those people are my family, it is still probably wrong-but hey, I was IN GERMANY, worried off my ass that they were DEAD, and couldnt sleep, had to watch the news every freaking second, all because they DIDNT GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE WHEN I TOLD THEM TO!

(Ok, enough about the me me me thing now!)

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