September 13, 2006
On Dating and Lower Mandibles
I have officially, certifiably, unquestionably, indubitably given up on dating. Scratch. On men other than my two male friends and my father. And Paul Newman.

How difficult can finding a mate be?

Woman seeking Man. Ahem.

Preferred candidates will:

-- Be 336+ months old
-- Yearn to travel; possess an incessant drive to see most of at least the Northern Hemisphere in this short life (you know, something akin to a drunk ZTA’s desire for quick pizza delivery and 6-8 Advil)
-- Display a clear aversion to children that might be his own
-- Indulge to excess in things covered in cheese and nights spent talking over cheap white wine.
-- Be witty. Not funny ha ha. Not crazy go nuts. Not Carrot Top. But witty, sharp, original kinda funny.
-- Never, EVER think ‘twould be appropriate to post a topless photo of himself on Match.com or other Internet venue. Scratch 2. He’d never even take said photo.
-- Love to watch college football. And talk about it with me.
-- Be genuine.
-- Not be afraid to have a water fight in the damn house. In his underwear.
-- Not cheat. (Not so nice, boys.)
-- Have drive, motivation, passion for something, anything [other than motocross, child (aka Dateline) p*rn, racism, feet, cheating, not owning a business suit, a complete lack of animal products in the house, or Zima]
-- Let me smoke while shaking his head.
-- Have faults. Dishonesty = not so much.
-- Love the sun on his smiling, slightly-wrinkled face.
-- Accept my cats and love the dog we’ll eventually adopt.
-- Not force his religious beliefs on me or said cats.
-- Have welcoming friends and family, a group willing to bring a surprising introvert into the fold. I’m talking loving people who ask about you and what the fuck you’ve been up to for the past week. And remember the next time you see them.
-- Basic hygiene, kindness to others, proficiency at dirty talk, not intentionally hitting squirrels in street, and presence of lower mandible and both ears win bonus points all around.

Oh! Riiiiiiight. But I forgot that small detail.

He has to want to be with a woman like me – a neurotic, flawed, constantly MSing woman with a passion for travel and writing and wit, who drinks too much and doesn’t wear slinky nighties to bed near often enough.

And this, my friends, is apparently the stumbling block at this point.

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65 Comments:

Blogger afromabq said...

i'd date you....too bad i don't swing that way though. why is it though that really, we're not asking that much and yet it's like a bad b movie....where the horizon gets close then all of a sudden, it's pulled back in a jerky fashion. men, such a mystery.

Blogger Kris said...

yes, a mystery. like influenza.

Blogger I-66 said...

Alas. 27 months too young.

Blogger JoJo said...

I think I know what the problem is. Apparently, there's too many of us going after the same guys. Damn it!

Blogger Kris said...

but should they not grow in abundance, like brussel sprouts and all those other vegetables people hate?

Blogger Kate The Great said...

Yeah, I'll take one of those, too.

Blogger Kris said...

i've so got dibs.

btw, i so had to mirriam webster that word. dibbs? dibbbbbs?

Blogger JoJo said...

If only they grew like bad tasting veggies. Kris, I have a harder task in the fact that there simply aren't many older ones. Remember, I'm looking for someone 442+ months. Those are even more rare.

Blogger Woman with kids said...

Can I grab the guys in the middle of your ranges? Between ...say... 384 to 442 months? If they exist and are not married, gay, a "playa" or afraid of dealing with children?

Blogger Portnoy said...

you know if you could whittle down your list so it would fit nicely on a coffee mug - i think you might better your chances.

but what do i know....

Anonymous Jorge said...

There are 8 'b's in the word dibbbbbbbbs. I checked the Morriam Wobster dictionary, which is a completely made-up reference and thus holds more weight on the internet than anything official.

Sweets, you are the bomb. You're just in the wrong place. Men like that grow in canada both in the shade and the sun!

All they need is a little water (with barley and hops).

Jorge

Blogger Finn said...

Wow, I fit that description quite nicely. I am, however, missing one important attribute. Is that a deal-breaker? ;)

Hold out for him, honey. You are so worth it.

Blogger Kris said...

we are so creating a network here. we can alert each other should we find men of any age, headless or Canadian or otherwise, and then pimp them out to one another. holla!

Anonymous I'd date you said...

So umm Kris. Not sure what you are doing this weekend, but if you'd like to get a drink that would be mighty fine.

Blogger JoJo said...

Great idea! It'll be like a clothing swap. I bought it thinking it was so cute, but not so much on me. It'll look so much better on you!

Blogger Kris said...

awesome. it'll be like a consignment shop. we can call it THE MALE ROOM. groan . . .

barmore, if only you and i could date. problem solved!

Blogger DCVita said...

That was a FABULOUS post! And I am with you girl!! YOu can find a man like that somewhere, but he has 3 kids and baby mama drama :)

Blogger Sizzle said...

i feel ya on this one!

Blogger Guinness_Girl said...

I promise, you'll find him - even if you have to take one or two things off your list. (I got most of 'em covered - but missed the family bit (his fam sucks) and he also can't spell for shit, which was an item on my list.) It was worth the flexibility, though.

Blogger Paige Jennifer said...

Hey, you forgot good table manners. I once watched a date spend ten minutes with his fist in his mouth trying to dislodge a popcorn kernel. Come to mama!

Blogger Kris said...

ooooh. table manners is a good one. and i might up it from basic hygiene to level 2, saving me hours of plucking partner nose hairs. eeeew.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Ooo, ooo, ooo! Just when I thought I couldn't possibly want to drink cheap white wine with you more!

Why can't I meet a nice guy who isn't obsessed with Snakes on a Plane (and quite a few of your anti-passion and motivation list)? Sometimes I think I'm being punished but my friends and therapist keep telling me the hard shit is character building. I'm not sure how much more character I can handle.

Blogger Kris said...

i've heard that character building crap too. "when you come out of this, you'll be even more prepared for the next breakup . . . I mean, relationship."

Blogger themikestand said...

Just adding my support for Canadian guys. Bonus: We don't (generally) even know what Zima is.

However, you may have to ease up on the white wine stipulation. That's awfully restrictive.

Blogger Irish Red said...

Hate to break it to ya doll....HE DOESNT EXIST. Sorry that was my own frustration. I mean...you'll find him!

Blogger Kris said...

Ok, what if we just say no wine cooler obsessions? Or TAB OBSESSIONS. That would sabotage the entire effort.

Red - he so does exist. I'm pretty sure I saw him stuffed and on exhibit in Norway once . . .

Blogger Egan said...

ZTAs are always getting picked on. Sucks to be one of them. (note: I was NOT in a fraternity, but did date a sorority girl)

Blogger Nat said...

I love this post! So well said and so true.

Blogger Nat said...

Oh and I don't really think this is too much to ask for. I like to think of this as "Normal."

Maybe that's the problem. Does normal really exist?

Blogger Thérèse said...

Now THAT is a classified ad.

I would date you. But for the one tiny detail of us both being straight.

Ah what the hell. Wanna go out for a drink? *heavy wink*

Blogger Sandra said...

Unfortunately I think you DID just describe Carrot Top. So you might have to give in on that one item on your list. Heh.

Blogger t2ed said...

We've had this topic before. That guy is fictional. Especially in DC. You've got a better chance of Bigfoot knocking on your door with a digital camera in hand.

You can completely cross the fam-damily out by the way. You should be looking for an orphan who owns a golf course and/or bowling alley.

Blogger Kris said...

This man so exists! And he might date a ZTA!

If he doesn't, I will always have Taco Bell. And that might just be enough.

Blogger Miss Scarlet said...

I want in on this. I will keep my eyes open!

Blogger Kate The Great said...

In January I put a laundry list out there searching for the perfect "applicant."

http://katesrandommusings.blogspot.com/2006/01/help-wanted.html

I found an almost and a not quite but nothing spot on.

I've got a hell of a lot of patience though and some good blogging material...

Blogger mamalujo1 said...

Well, I guess I've blown my chances. I would fix this so it actually showed the picture, but I'm a dork at html.

Oh. Yeah. One other thing. I'm happily married.

http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/5343/1435/1600/picture.jpg

Blogger Chantel said...

Kris, this is exactly what were looking for. But since your east and I'm west, I'm sure we won't be arguing over the same one.

:) On with the show!

Blogger Kris said...

you guys rock. we're all a like-minded bunch of little superstars, aren't we?!?!?! we have to find bright ones to shine along with us!

kate - "Kentucky Wildcat fans may be offered immediate promotion." i will send him your way. if you get an fsu-er, fedex him to me. fair trade?

Blogger Evil Genius said...

Oh yeah, you've described him perfectly! I've got one that's very close to that - his only flaw so far (besides being more moody than I am) is that he's not allowing pets. But I'll break him of that. They don't call me Evil Genius for nothing.

Other than that, sweetie, I think your list narrows it down quite well and I'm sure he's out there looking for you too - don't settle for less!!!

Oh wait! There IS one more thing your list should have on it - all (or at least the vast majority) of his teeth!!!

hehehehehe

Blogger Kris said...

I seriously cannot believe I forgot that one. Good teeth are very important to me. Sorry, Jewel.

Blogger mysterygirl! said...

I think this list is completely reasonable. Especially because it's "preferred candidate," implying that other candidates who lack a thing or two will still be considered-- they'll just be on hold a bit longer until a customer service representative can take their call.

Blogger Kris said...

This is a good theme, Mystery . . . Maybe I should have them call Sprint customer service. If they can make it through five minutes of that crap, they can probably put up with me.

Blogger Lord Misanthropy said...

Wow! I think I'm really close on this one... Oh, except for the genuine thing (I'm really insincere and two-faced - can't you tell?). And I'm a vampire so feeling the sun on my face is kind of a bad idea. Then, of course, I REALLY enjoy running over squirrels in the street.

Maybe not so close after all... oh well, back to stalking underage girls on the internet (I have a topless photo of myself that gets 'em every time), organizing Klan rallies, and neglecting my copious nose-hair.

Blogger JoJo said...

Ohmigod, Kris. Perhaps Lord Misanthropy is the one?

Blogger Trundling Grunt said...

Damn, but you're demanding. I suppose you want him to put the toilet seat down too?

Blogger Kris said...

Would that make me "Dame Likey?"

Grunt - moot point. We use an outhouse in these parts.

Blogger JordanBaker said...

I loved this up until the second I realized I had to do math to figure out the age requirement. .. and then realized I'm not geting any better at math as I age.

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Blogger Amber said...

I stumble on said stumbling block ALL. THE. TIME. Men. Humpf. And I say that in the nicest possible way.

Blogger Kate The Great said...

Mama Likey - yes, I will definitely send any FSUers your way. I don't know what box to send in, but I'm sure UPS has something appropriate...

Blogger Kris said...

Remodeling home loans, I must say that I found your comment to be both enlightening and RIGHT ON TARGET. Dare I say that your attention to those minor details of my dating plight surpasses that of all other readers? Please come again. Maybe we can share a Spam sandwich.

Anonymous KB said...

We're looking for the same guy!!

I'm not sure he exists sometimes...

Blogger Amanda said...

okay, to be honest...you gotta get outta my head. this is great to read today. another confession, i am having serious flashbacks to the footloose soundtrack..."where have all the good men gone and where are all the gods? where's the street-wise hercules to fight the rising odds?..." this post is bonnie tyler, but better. i need a fella who will not exactly what me smoke and shake his head, but watch me dance wacky to 80's power ballads and shake his head.

Blogger Beth said...

I've solved your mystery. All the good men are up here in Vancouver. I like the ones < 336 months, so if you want to come visit, you can have the older ones (another plus, even the older ones don't look their age. It's the fresh mountain air. And the fresh ocean air. And Okanogan wines.) You're welcome =)

Blogger TrappedInColorado said...

I bet if you found a man with EVERY SINGLE one of those aspects you will find something else wrong with him! Women! :) Well prosed personal ad! You'll be involved with a wonderful man in no time. What airport should I fly into?

Blogger Jessica said...

I had the perfect guy for you until you got to the lower mandible. Sorry hon!

Blogger playfulinnc said...

He does exist, but he has back hair, used to wear size 44 pants, but now 33's, is fanatical about several things, is terrible with money, and sleeps in my bed.

god, I am a lucky woman.

Now, he took a lot of work and love and patience. A LOT.

But it's worth it.

Blogger Nat said...

How bout this...I had a date last night, and either old dude had something bad to eat or he couldn't handle his liquor...I think it was the later cause, well, let's just say, it was all good till he um, puked. Ya. I'm pretty sure this isn't what I'm a lookin for...

Blogger Kris said...

this cannot be a true story, nat. please say it isn't so. this makes the baby jesus cry. seriously.

Blogger Nat said...

So sad. And so true.

And this is the great irony of my life.

I can drink a grown man under the table. I'm not sure this is a great accomplishment. Add this to the list of must "not haves."

Check, please!

"constantly MSing woman"

????

Blogger tmaris said...

I'm not quite ready to give up on the idea of this...

Anonymous chris said...

And somewhere out there there is a witty slightly wrinkled faced clean man, who yearns to travel the world and have a water fight in the house with some cats, and wonders why he can find a woman who like him.

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