March 28, 2006
I love you, Claiken
My system had to reboot so my recap will be delayed. Much like my pubescent breast growth.

My first thought is that Ryan Seacrest is dressed like a bruise and Paula must stop clapping like a seal.

Why no one will speak of the fact that Lisa Tucker (without the circa ’84 Cover Girl eye makeup) is Aaliyah reincarnated is beyond me. Side note: Ryan almost felt her up while trying to console her post-threesome negative review. I’m just sayin’.

Kelly Pickler sounds like someone who worked at the Sheetz I used to get Diet Cokes at in West Virginia. Her song includes such dignified phrasing as “pickup truck,” and “was broke,” and “suds in the bucket.” It’s so awful I almost feel badly for the trailer park community watching despite the tornado closing in.

Ace reeks of Constantine and it makes the baby Jesus cry. He sings Train and suddenly I feel as if I’ve been hit by one. I think he made that shirt and a pan of blondies last Thursday in Home Ec. I want to make out with Simon for bashing his performance. NEXT.

And so we have Taylor Hicks. Taylor makes Mama want to put her dentures in and buy Depends. Camera 4 shows a boy in the audience who has grayed at age 7 (and ¾) and sadly no one shifts as uncomfortably as I do. (!!!???) Taylor takes an ED med/Ovaltine shake and screeches out something about Trouble. I pour another glass of wine.

Mandisa is up. And I want to make out with her. Despite singing about parting the Red Sea and a burning bush, she is too excellent. Did I mention it would not be appropriate in any context to sing re: “shackles on [your] feet” if you haven’t been on Court TV?

Next up: Vin Diesel. Ryan stares longingly at him while talking smack about the Titanic love theme. Jesus cries again. Chris Daughtry sings Creed (as seen in my third motherland of Tallahassee) and I wish I had more wine. It’s a little bit Eddie Vedder, a little bit my ex-boyfriend before hair plugs. Egh.

The Catherine's pr-interview makes me think of Bill O’Reilly softened by a Friendly’s Fribble. She is hot, undoubtedly, but she didn’t only opt for Christina Aguilera as her song choice, but her stylist. (Which anyone but a girlfriend of Jack the Ripper would deem inappropriate, McPheever. There must be a clerk at Wet Seal who can help you with this affliction.) She sings ok, but I clearly don’t have the boner that the Others have.

Bucky sings, and I see this as an opportunity to do the dishes. If only I appreciated country music, I’d probably have to, well, go to Walmart. Anyhoo, he was really good. For Waffle House.

I’m bored so naturally I start to dial in for contestants before the phones open up.

Crickets.

Here comes a powerhouse in 5-7-9 jeans, with a yellah top and a name like a hospitality diva. Paris has a little groove going on, using “brother” to her advantage, as well as her satisfying voice. She is the best of the night so far. And my judges, if they know what’s good for them, will say so. And they do.

Simon. (insert maniacal laugh here.) Putty in my hands.

Mama aches because Elliott is going to sing. Gavin DeGraw. Elliott is clearly sponsored this evening by the mass production masters Gap and SuperCuts. The masses love it. As does his probation officer. Come on now; no one uses “the crust of creation” in their American Idol top 10 song. So of course I like him.

Paula continues clapping like she’s voting for PETA.

However, should she use the ever-irritating “you made it your own,” critique again, I WILL SO SCARSDALE her ass.

AND SCENE.

A demain,
Kris


45 Comments:

Blogger Aimée said...

I'll tell you what hurts the Baby Jesus. YOUR AMERICAN IDOL OBSESSION! But it was frickin' hilarious! Touche, boo, touche!

Blogger I-66 said...

The best part of the night was Paula saying Ace needed to tell her how he got that scar [on his chest] sometime, as Simon stopped her from going any further.

Over/under on contestants Paula's had the hots for in the past: 14

I'm taking the over.

Blogger playfulinnc said...

I want to shave someone's head and rub it on my chest, I love Chris so much.

God help me.

Blogger MKD said...

LOL.

Wow.

And I think I read that all in one breath.

Blogger Sandra Dee said...

Ditto on the good jobs that Paris and Elliott did. Props to them. But yeah -- the rest of them pretty much sucked! What happened to the great vocals from last week? P.S. Good to know there's someone else out there who's as obsessed with this show as I am! :)

Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

One of these days, I'll watch that show and see what all the fuss is about. I used to have a big thing for Ms. Abdul in the late 80s. She was sexy.

Blogger Shawn said...

Poor Baby Jesus... Did I count right? Was that twice he cried?

I really love how you took this review and made it your own. You really stepped it up tonight. You know, I've been waiting for that. I knew you had it in you.

Ummm...okay...I clearly owe you a bottle of Boones Farm for gettin' all Abdul on ya...

Blogger NARDAC said...

I feel completely left out. I have no idea what you're talking about... sigh... can we go back to gushing over Sarsgaard, even though he's dating a witch?

Blogger Keith said...

You should definitely be doing an AI 1/2 hour recap show on Free FM. My secret shame is singing Kelly Clarkson in my car. except at traffic lights with my windows down. I make 'Since U Been Gone' my own.

Blogger Diet Coke of Evil said...

I don't watch American Idol, but I think reading your recap is the best thing ever! I've seen one episode, and the entire time Satellite kept saying "are you really watching this??"

Blogger t2ed said...

Straight up, there's no reason to watch this shit and be head over heals for it. It's not crazy cool to want to want to see bad karoake.

Can't you go to about a million bars and be spellbound for it?

And I'm sure you're more cold hearted than Simon. Opposites must attract so you'll be forever my girl.

Okay, I'll just shut up and dance now instead of working on my vibeology homework.

Anonymous erika said...

I thought your review was a little pitchy, personally. But you look good.

I want Taylor. I want him as my own.

Blogger Nat said...

I chipped a tooth last night after falling off my couch when that little hottie Chris-you-really-are-mmmmmarried? Daughtry took the stage. I am making fast plans to become his groupie.

Blogger Wicked H said...

Yo Dawg, that review was aiiight. Thanks cause I missed the show.

Blogger liberalbanana said...

Kris - I do an Idol review every Wednesday! Check it out if you have a minute...

Loved your image of Katharine being like "Bill O'Reilly softened by a Friendly's Fribble"!! Priceless. And washing the dishes while Bucky sings? I was folding laundry. *yawn*

Blogger Poppy Cede said...

Kris, you rock. That's all I gotta say.

Blogger Heather B. said...

Now check it, now check it out...We got a hot one tonight Dog pound.

I'm kind of sipping on the haterade because I was all "I wanna do an AI recap" and then you did one and now I can't because you are the Queen and my recap would most certainly make the Baby Jesus Cry, and if not the baby Jesus, then at least all 4 of my readers.

And don't diss Katharine, maybe she just really loved 1989, which would explain the vest. VEST!

Blogger mrsmogul said...

I think Paula claps like that because of her jewelry...as for Lisa Tucker, She looks like SImon Cowell's girlfriend.

His offices are near where I live...I will send him your putty

Blogger blake said...

THAT WAS EXCELLENT - we should really give Paula some tranqs, Bucky needs to go home, Taylor needs to go spastic again and, well, anyway, everyone BUT Mandissa should just pack it in.

Blogger blake said...

THAT WAS EXCELLENT - we should really give Paula some tranqs, Bucky needs to go home, Taylor needs to go spastic again and, well, anyway, everyone BUT Mandissa should just pack it in.

Blogger GirlGoyle said...

I don't think Paula is all there. I saw an interview with her a month or so ago and she looked strung on meds of some kind. In any case girl...u need to step away fromt he TV!! You are too funny.

Anonymous Jennifer said...

I have the hots for Taylor and our matching gray hair is a sign from said Baby Jesus, I think. And Chris? Chris. I love you, man. But of all the Creed songs in all the world, one question: WHY? Paris was hot, but it was a little on the creepy side. Maybe I'm just age biased.

The rest of them can just go home any time now. Paula included. WTF?

Blogger Sizzle said...

i am so glad you posted on this because i just couldn't. you took the words right out of my mouth! (though, trouble by ray lamontagne is a fabulous song and taylor did it ok, not great but at least he wasn't spazzin' as per his usual hijinx.)

in the words of randy: giiiirl, you worked it OUT!

right on kris,
sizz

Blogger Cheryl said...

My breast growth is uber-delayed...still waiting.

I don't watch AI so that's the only comment I have for you today, sorry.

Anonymous Jorge said...

That's it.
It's time for an intervention.

Blogger Miss Scarlet said...

I'm considering taping the show and watching it after I read your review.

Blogger TJ said...

I have GOT to start watching more tv-this "Dancing with the Stars" that you write of sounds like quite a show.

Actually, i did a quasi-Apprentice post myself this week, although from the perspective of an applicant. Maybe I should have opened with "crust of creation"...

Blogger Dave said...

Yeah, American Idol. Hmmm. We should all stop watching that now. You know what you should really be watching instead? Canadian Idol!* That shit is the shit.**

* Yes, this is a real thing.

** This part, though, might not be true.

Blogger Plunky said...

Ok, serously, can we talk about Ace and his chest/scar bearing mid song please? PLEASE??? Cause it was just awful. I almost threw up my WW Ice cream Sundae Cone.

Blogger Jackie said...

Kris,

Your review was much funnier than the one at "Television Without Pity"!

Lisa Tucker seriously is inhabited by the ghost of Aaliyah!

And that Ace makes the baby jeebus cry---lol. I couldn't have said it better myself. :)

Blogger Cindy St. Onge said...

You nailed it. Again.

Blogger Mega Mom said...

I was feeling your whole post. I was with you. Chris, Paris, Simon...and then you went and threatened to do it...SCARSDALE Paula's ass.

It was like a higher power was speaking to me. Must.de.lurk. Can't.keep.hiding.

I lived and breathed Scarsdale for 33 years. You pulled that phrase out of your own ass. That was beautiful. I'm stealing it.

Blogger Lefty said...

I watched part of the show last night - Idol holds little attraction for me, but they had on a duo - a sweet lady named Shakira and some odd nameless rapper dude - and I must confess that she was quite good.

It is probable that the vocalization of my opinion of Shakira resulted in a couch pillow being thrown at me but I wasn't really paying attention at the time.

Blogger babyjewels said...

That was freaking fabu.

Blogger Kiki said...

I watched this season of American Idol for the first time the other day and I was thinking the same thing--that guy looks a lot like Vin Diesel.

Anonymous NarcolepticMamma said...

ROTFLMAO!!! and it's only -3 degrees here! I haven't see AI for 2006 but I damn sure feel like I have! WOOHA! I´´m not sayin´,I´m just sayin!

Blogger mysterygirl! said...

This almost makes me want to watch Idol-- but why, when you already do a much better version for me?

Blogger Brookelina said...

Why am I suddenly finding Simon incredibly attractive? It's disturbing on so many levels.

Paula needs a 24 hour enema.

Randy needs a vocabulary lesson.

As for the singers - Mandisa-Paris-Chris all the way.

Blogger Danielle said...

i really think you are my distant sister.

Anonymous J said...

Ace is pure cheese. Bucky's little jaunt around the stage signaled it was time for me to fold laundry.

Anonymous sandra said...

Here's the thing: how happy does it make you when Paula Abdul acts drunk?! It makes me smile for minutes after.

Blogger Bill said...

I've heard there is a 12 step program for this.

Blogger Guinness_Girl said...

You're hilarious, Mama.

But hey, let's talk about Tallahassee! I love that town! Lived there 6 years (undergrad + law school, minus one freshman year at Rollins in Orlando).

Blogger Guinness_Girl said...

You're hilarious, Mama.

But hey, let's talk about Tallahassee! I love that town! Lived there 6 years (undergrad + law school, minus one freshman year at Rollins in Orlando).

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cool Blog! If you get a chance I would like to invite you to visit the following underwear blog, it is cool to!

Post a Comment

<< Home

footer