November 3, 2005
Anyone have something for me to write about? Need a question answered?
Resume/wedding invitation/novel edited?
Child reared?

I'll stop there.

I have answered you. All of you.

And have done so again. Because apparently that's what hip girls do on Saturday nights.

Who am I kidding.


Blogger Asian Mistress said...
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have a great question:
I need yoru professional opinion:

Lets say you work in a 4x4 office with someone and the two of you really just don't get a long. Very different lives, etc. blah blah blah. She is of one race, you another. If she sometimes made comments during personal phone calls about your race and how stupid they are or how they drive you crazy, what would you do? Now know that she is black and I am white. Your suggestion? It makes me feel really uncomfortable, but I almost feel like I don't have a right to complain.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, and you can call me Whitey!

Blogger Mel said...

Dear Wino:

I just received an invite to a birthday bash for a FAB fellow blogger that I feel close to, but have never met. Only, the said event will also be attended by a MILLION of her closest friends! As a new divorcee, and someone that has never met her fellow bloggers in person, this is a lot for me to live up to! Should I accept the invite and risk being shunned by the group and potentially losing an e-friend who is a woman that I truely respect?

Signed, A Complete Mess

Blogger A Unique Alias said...

Dearest Mama,

I'm looking for a topic for a post for my blog. Any ideas?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Mama,

It burns when I pee. What should I do?

Yours in uncomfortable urination,

Anonymous robin said...

What topics do you like to discuss and maybe I can think of something. I often find topic ideas off of other blogs.

Blogger Kris said...

AM - we are going to find you a good man, don't you worry. Stay away from that one.

Anon - my theory on serious office conflict - when repeatedly irritated/offended/upset/threatened, whatever the case, first say something yourself to the person or his or her supervisor. If it doesn't work, HR might be the way to go.

Mel, I never know anyone either. Try it! You might like it!

Unique, how 'bout this one: Men who wear fighter pilot masks to bed and the women who love them. ?

Jurgen, my best advice is to stop being a HO.

Robin, I love to talk about myself, my cats, wine, myself, and myself. And my cats drinking wine. I've never talked about politics - well, not directly - so I thought about doing that. Or writing about work, which I have never done. Hmmm. And probably won't.

Blogger MKD said...

I have a friend that wanted me to ask you the following questions:

When does "fun with your pet" go too far? And how do we know when/where to draw the line? Will my rash ever heal?

Anonymous Anonymous said...


Dear Mama,

How do you stop being a HO? Wait. You wouldn't know.

Yours in Ho-diggity,


Blogger Kris said...

MKD: Is this a heavy pet we're talking about? Tee hee hee.


Blogger NARDAC said...

A friend of mine has an unusually high asscrack. Even with non-hipster jeans, I can't get away from her trucker butt. What should I do? Tell her to fill it with plasticine? Visit Mickey Rourke's plastic surgeon? I'm torn up inside. I cannot decide.

Blogger NARDAC said...

p.s. - hate to ruin the surprise but, holy crap, Jeremy wants to do jazz hands for you!

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Why is there a large amount of powder on the floor around the toilet in our internal ladies room?

Blogger JordanBaker said...

Dear Mama,

Why are my students such ass clowns? And are they actually getting ass clownier with every year that passes, or am I just getting older? And is "ass clownier" a legitimate phrase?


Blogger Keith said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Blogger Keith said...

I want some input on child rearing, please. We have outgown man-to-man defense and are currently playing zone, but we keep getting beat deep. Our line is tired and our secondary is weak and our football-parenting analogies are lame. Mamalikey, what are we to do?

There is a woman I work with that wears WAYYYYY too much perfume. I mean, literally to the point where my eyes start watering and I have to remove myself whenever she is near by. No one has the guts to say anything to her? Should I tell her she stinks?

Blogger Jessica said...

Hmmm, I've always dreamed of writing a novel. Instead I find that I'm too lazy to write a novel, or even a decent blog. Here's your assignment: be my ghostwriter. I'll pay you after you make me wildly successful of course! :) ;)

Blogger Bill said...

Why do I fall down when I drink?

Blogger Brookelina said...

Why do men marry the psycho twats and ignore the girls who don't need therapy and/or a probation officer?

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Drop on by and browse through a huge archive of child joke

This is one of the many jokes i found amongst the many joke categorys:
A man walks into his favorite bar and saw a bum panhandeling. The bum asked if the man could spare a dollar. The man replied "If I give you money are you going to use it to buy liquor?" The bum said he would not, so the man asked "If I give you money are you going to use it for gambling?" Again the bum said he would not, so the man asked "Would you come home with me so I can show my wife what happenes to someone who doesnt gamble or drink?"

Blogger Bridget Jones said...

how about some advice for Mel and Undies? They're both leaving/split from jerks.

Personally I'd like to boot the guys'butts to China and back, but that's probably not legal.

But some soothing words would help.


Blogger Slade said...

Dearest mama,

How the hell are you so sexy and witty all in one package?

mrs. Vagina

Blogger Alecia said...

Forget editing. I need a whole new resume. By Monday. Any takers? ;)

Blogger lizzyjane said...

Please address the issue of super skinny girls in aerobics class. The kind that are incredibly graceful and coordinated while stepping over the damn box 50 times a second.
While me and my oversized T-shirt stumble around in the back of class, FAR AWAY from the mirrors.

Blogger A Unique Alias said...


I don't appreciate your mockery of my sleep apnea. Your coincidentally astute suggestion is noted.

CPAPily yours,

Blogger oregano said...

How often can a guy call a gal he just started seeing before she files for a restraining order? I mean, how often can a guy call a gal he just started seeing? Forget that part about the restraining order.

I think I'm too awesome. Is that going to be a problem later in life?

Blogger Jackie said...

You can write about world religions if you want. :)

Blogger Jackie said...

Like the religion of Absolut Vodka.

Blogger Bill said...

Why is it when I drink and fall down I feel so whoozy?

And why are people calling you Mama?

Anonymous Anonymous said...

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes! I too enjoy your website, mostly because I have a HOSPITAL SUPPLY STORE IN ALASKA. Keep it up, Mama!

Blogger t2ed said...

How about writing about the nature of man? Is it basically good or evil? I submit that for ever good thing we invent, there's some assbag who will invent something to fuck it up for the rest of us? Kinda like comment spam.

Just a thought....

Blogger Kris said...

Nardac - JC Penney makes Mom jeans that go up as high as the shoulders. That should take care of it.

MP - I'm not sure. Let's talc about it later . . .


Jordan - any phrase you use is legitimate. I think you're onto something. However, the increase is disproportionate; you are slowly aging while kids these days are getting exponentially more ass clownier. I blame Avril Lavigne. Punks.

Keith - In my world, I'd put them on the bench or make them work as Mama's water boy for a while. That would clear things up.

Stacy - Someone has to tell her. Can you blame it on an allergy?

Jessica - I'm not up to it. I can't even write a decent blog (see this post for ample evidence.)

Bill - I wish I knew. I haven't been able to get up since yesterday.

Brooke - This is the stuff 80s movies were made of. I can't stand that men do this. My sense is that they usually age out of it by 38 or so. Please don't say it isn't so . . .

Anon - THANKS! I love child joke.

Brig - I have been thinking a lot about both of these women. I have no wise words. For me, getting through a breakup is much like making it past a hangover. Nothing (with the exception of very little contact with said man or said booze) gets me through it but TIME. And good friends who have Kleenex and Advil.

Slade - Thanks! Per usual, that makes me want to make out with you.

Alecia - I think Anonymous might be looking for something to do between child/bum jokes.

Lizzy - I've seen these women. A number 1) they are probably horrible people who hate babies and bunnies, and B number 2) they are at least 23x more likely than us to have ugly, disfigured feet.

Unique - You win for best retort EVAH.

O! I'm so happy your departure doesn't mean you can't READ my blog! :) You call her as much as you feel like, O. (Just not more than three times a day.)

Dale - Is it not a problem now?
Come on, I had to!

Jackie - or Stoli Vanil and Diet Coke . . . mmm.

Bill - You MUST lay off the 2 am drinkees. B number 2) they call me mama because I've given birth to at least half of these people. Not really. It's just because of my url.

Anon2 - Welcome, Sporting Good Store Michigan. Have you met good child joke?

JN - Do you think she pronounces it Yanet Reno?

T2ed - Welcome back! There is so much good in this world it's spooky. We just don't see it all the time. That said, I need to get back to being sarcastic and bitchy.

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Blogger Kris said...

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Anonymous Jorge said...

Ah Mama,

I turn my back for a second. A SECOND. And you go posting an entry. You sly minx you.

I have 2 questions
1) What is the body of water next to the Gardener Expressway on your way into downtown Toronto from the airport? Hint: It would be on your right side. (SUCH a low blow)

2) Why are you so awesome?

3) I do have a novel that needs editing, by chance. You interested in reading it? Drop me a liney.

Anonymous Anonymous said...


PS: Kris - yes. I think she's classy enough to pronounce it "Yan-nay," like fancy people do.

did you like my second vm? I found it a rather robust imitation, myself.

Blogger Kris said...

I loved it!

Tee hee hee. You said bust.

Geooooooorge, more sass later.

Blogger Cheryl said...

If a tree falls in a forest...oh never mind. Sorry I myself am an editing fool. i got nothing for you.

Anonymous sandra said...

Men with girl-butts.

Blogger Heather B. said...

why does it always happen that I don't check a blog for like 45 seconds and there's a new post? sad.

I've got a question for you, if you have the time..

How did you survive the 21 days without a drink? I'm doing it now, and now the weekend is here, I don't know what to do with myself.

Blogger Kim said...

So let's say there's this blogger and she has a birthday coming up and I can't make it to her party because I'm going to Utah and she knew I was going to Utah because I know I mentioned it on my blog and I'm sure she planned her shindig so that I wouldn't be there because she probably thought that I would embarass her in front of her "real", my question is: What do you think the Redskins chances are of making it to the playoffs this year?

Blogger Dave said...

Why do I always show up a day later, after all the good questions have been asked?

That was weak. I'll keep thinging.

Blogger sassyassy said...

I have some laundry you can feel free to come to my house & do. What is the best thing to get tooth paste off of clothing? I am apparently incapable of brushing my teeth without getting paste on my shirts.

Blogger missbhavens said...

Can you make me a grilled cheese on white with a bowl of Campbell's Tomato Bisque and a small bag of Fritos, please? Or just write about's my favorite.


Anonymous Jorge said...


In regards to Dave's post -
What do you think thinging is?

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Blogger Bill said...

A link on Lushy's blog got me wondering ... when is it appropriate to clue someone's bum shut?

Blogger Candace said...

Dear Kris,

Where on earth did you find that ginormous olive? And aren't you afraid you're going to impale yourself upon the toothpick?


Ms. Misfit

Blogger Kristen said...

If I run away, will anyone notice?

Blogger LBseahag said...

I'm with Missbehaven's request...

Blogger Hoodia said...

Help me Dude, I think I'm lost..... I was searching for Elvis and somehow ended up in your blog, but you know I'm sure I saw him in a car lot yesterday, which is really strange because the last time I saw him was in the supermarket. No honest really, he was right there in front of me, next to the steaks singing "Love me Tender". He said to me (his lip was only slightly curled) "Boy, you need to get yourself a San Diego cosmetic surgery doctor ,to fit into those blue suede shoes of yours. But Elvis said in the Ghetto nobody can afford a San Diego plastic surgery doctor. Dude I'm All Shook Up said Elvis. I think I'll have me another cheeseburger. Then I'm gonna go round and see Michael Jackson and we're gonna watch a waaaay cool make-over show featuring some Tijuana dentists on the TV in the back of my Hummer. And then he just walked out of the supermarket singing. . . "You give me love and consolation,
You give me strength to carry on " Strange day or what? :-)

Blogger Bill said...

My comment would have been so much funnier, and made more sense, if I was capable of spelling the word "glue" properly.

Well, that shows you the day I've had.

Blogger Kris said...

Cheryl, I appreciate you feeling my pain on this one!

Sandra - Wish I could help. I'm still wishing I had a girl butt.

Heather - What I think is so crazy is that I don't check a blog for 2 minutes and I come back and like 80 people have commented before me. What gives? Re: the drinking, I mostly drank cough syrup. No seriously. I actually exercised. And stayed at work late. And avoided social events. Lots of movies. I did have two get out of sobriety free cards as part of the deal, but that really didn't help any. I feel your pain.

Kim - I consulted my magic 8 ball. LOOKS GRIM.

Dave - I'm still waiting.

Jorge - Get off Dave's back. Oh I'm sorry. I forgot that it's your permanent position.

QOS - ERA, baby! Protein gets out protein!

MissB - you lost me at Fritos. I can't breathe around them. I'll get cookin' on the other goodies, though . . .

Anon - thanks for giving us paws.

Bill - I knew what you meant! The glue story is all over the place! It is only appropriate to glue someone if you are in imminent danger. I know that's the only time I've ever done it.

Misfit - It was in the glass when I moved in. Has anyone noticed that it has a red hair in it?

Kristen - I would.

LBSeahag - Say it isn't so! Another Fritos fan?

Hoodia - The King has left the blogging.

Blogger katie's brain said...

Kris, tell me, how come when a friend of mine treats me like dirt, somehow, in the interest of the peace, I somehow get twisted into apologizing to her?! And why, for the love of God, why, am I babysitting her child right now?!

Blogger oregano said...

Woot! We had our (glorious) third date tonight. Is it too soon for the "what horrible and borderline satanic crimes have you committed?" phase of our relationship? Or should I let her continue to believe that I feed orphans and help poor widows in my spare time?

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