Hello, this is Onstar.
(crying) Hello? Hello!? Help us! We’ve been in an accident.
Ok, ma’am. Stay calm. (Pausing for breath.) Just stay with me.
Ok. (Breathing deeply.) Ok, you’re right. Ok. We’re all ok.
Do you have a headache? Neck pain?
(Exhaling.) No, sir.
Are you having an aneurysm? Any signs of deep vein thrombosis?
I’m sorry?
Gangrene? Psoriasis? Tetter?
No!
Menopause?
(Crying.) Is this a wrong number?
No, it’s just. (Sighs.) It’s just that, you know, you could turn it up a little.
What? (Sniffles.) Can you send the police to help?
Yeah, yeah. I’m getting to it. But I haven’t made my “sweet call” quota for Onstar - you know, the meaty stuff like a grammy getting pinkeye on the 405, not crap like people locking themselves out of their cars . . . you know?
Ok, listen. We need someone to help us . . .
Well, there was that one really good call where the woman thought she was having a baby in a Ford Focus, but it turned out to be gas, and I didn’t have the tape recorder on anyway . . .
I can’t help you. You. are here. to help. me, rememb . . .
. . . I just can’t go back to working at Dippin’ Dots, you know? I’ve just gotta get a call on one of those commercials.
Ok, jackass. Can you please just send the cops here to help me and my kids?
That was reaallll nice. Could you say that one again? Well, without the jackass? And could you maybe get the baby to cry a little?
(crying) Hello? Hello!? Help us! We’ve been in an accident.
Ok, ma’am. Stay calm. (Pausing for breath.) Just stay with me.
Ok. (Breathing deeply.) Ok, you’re right. Ok. We’re all ok.
Do you have a headache? Neck pain?
(Exhaling.) No, sir.
Are you having an aneurysm? Any signs of deep vein thrombosis?
I’m sorry?
Gangrene? Psoriasis? Tetter?
No!
Menopause?
(Crying.) Is this a wrong number?
No, it’s just. (Sighs.) It’s just that, you know, you could turn it up a little.
What? (Sniffles.) Can you send the police to help?
Yeah, yeah. I’m getting to it. But I haven’t made my “sweet call” quota for Onstar - you know, the meaty stuff like a grammy getting pinkeye on the 405, not crap like people locking themselves out of their cars . . . you know?
Ok, listen. We need someone to help us . . .
Well, there was that one really good call where the woman thought she was having a baby in a Ford Focus, but it turned out to be gas, and I didn’t have the tape recorder on anyway . . .
I can’t help you. You. are here. to help. me, rememb . . .
. . . I just can’t go back to working at Dippin’ Dots, you know? I’ve just gotta get a call on one of those commercials.
Ok, jackass. Can you please just send the cops here to help me and my kids?
That was reaallll nice. Could you say that one again? Well, without the jackass? And could you maybe get the baby to cry a little?
24 Comments:
WHy did you save the psycho post for the day before we meet up?
Now I'm scared.
I'm bringing mace....
Seriously. :)
I laughed.
A lot.
Wicked.
Cheers Kris!
Jorge
Jorge,
I'm leaving today! We are on for five tomorrow! :)
haha! this is a good one!
Tee hee hee.
By the way, I still can't access anyone's blogs from my sidebar. Can anyone else?
Maybe the Information Superhighway will work more smoothly in Toronto. ;)
Stacy, if you should read this, I saw your email but can't open it. Not hot.
haha! and i wouldn't be surprised if it happened.
That's brilliant. Only you Kris...only you.. :)
I want to know when Onstar is going to get some competition. Can't Ford do something 'that' cool?
Funniest thing I've read in a month. Seriously.
P.S. I lied about Jorge. Psycho Killer, qu'est-ce que c'est. Fuh-fa-fa-fa, fuh-fuh-fa-fa-fa-fa.
You are wickedly wonderful! I can't tell you how many times a day I hear those blasted commercials while trapped on an L.A. freeway. Laughed out loud at this.
Oh, and yes, the sidebar links work...
Sometimes I fantacize about trying to sell something to telemarketers who call my house.
"hello, mrs. slade would you like to donate to the fire department?"
"no, how about you donate to the broke-ass slade fund?"
Run run run run run...
Run Run away....
That's hysterical. Makes you wonder right?
I laughed as well. And I needed it!
ooohhh mama,
you just took some of the steam out of my stress engine...thanks.
HILARIOUS!!
OnStar frightens me. Do you really want someone knowing where you are all of the time? But when I deliver my jesus baby on 495 during a storm I'll be sure to remember that I've said this.
This post fills me with mirth.
On star scares the crap outta me too - I recently worked on a lawsuit, we subpoenaed the onstar records for some of the witnesses - we knew everywhere they drove for months. And, a FBI agent said they have the capibility of listening in on your car if they wanted to. I'm not sure if thats true, but seeing those records was enough to have mine disabled the very next day.
Too funny!
Very funny, but this was the best:
there was that one really good call where the woman thought she was having a baby in a Ford Focus, but it turned out to be gas.
Onestar, I'm in trouble...I can't have an orgasm...could you send someone to help?
haha, oh Onstar.
This is precious. Thanks for the morning chuckle! Perhaps Onstar can help you sort out the sidebar? Oops... they don't do computers yet. Maybe next year.
*giggling*
i've always wondered about those commercials.....
Hi
I've created a new resource for japanese baby name you can with lots of information and links related to japanese baby name
Now I've finished I thought I look around for other japanese baby name sites and see what everyone else is talking about, you know get ome more japanese baby name ideas etc...
This blog looks pretty good, though I'm not sure my japanese baby name site will get this many visitors - ah well, can only but try ;)
If you have a spare moment please visit my japanese baby name site and let me know what you think, I'll check back here again later.
Bye
Steward
Post a Comment
<< Home