October 27, 2005
My other theory regarding the origin of all of the good calls.
Hello, this is Onstar.

(crying) Hello? Hello!? Help us! We’ve been in an accident.

Ok, ma’am. Stay calm. (Pausing for breath.) Just stay with me.

Ok. (Breathing deeply.) Ok, you’re right. Ok. We’re all ok.

Do you have a headache? Neck pain?


(Exhaling.) No, sir.

Are you having an aneurysm? Any signs of deep vein thrombosis?

I’m sorry?

Gangrene? Psoriasis? Tetter?

No!

Menopause?

(Crying.) Is this a wrong number?

No, it’s just. (Sighs.) It’s just that, you know, you could turn it up a little.

What? (Sniffles.) Can you send the police to help?

Yeah, yeah. I’m getting to it. But I haven’t made my “sweet call” quota for Onstar - you know, the meaty stuff like a grammy getting pinkeye on the 405, not crap like people locking themselves out of their cars . . . you know?

Ok, listen. We need someone to help us . . .

Well, there was that one really good call where the woman thought she was having a baby in a Ford Focus, but it turned out to be gas, and I didn’t have the tape recorder on anyway . . .

I can’t help you. You. are here. to help. me, rememb . . .

. . . I just can’t go back to working at Dippin’ Dots, you know? I’ve just gotta get a call on one of those commercials.

Ok, jackass. Can you please just send the cops here to help me and my kids?

That was reaallll nice. Could you say that one again? Well, without the jackass? And could you maybe get the baby to cry a little?


26 Comments:

Anonymous Jorge said...

WHy did you save the psycho post for the day before we meet up?

Now I'm scared.

I'm bringing mace....

Seriously. :)

I laughed.
A lot.
Wicked.

Cheers Kris!

Jorge

Blogger Kris said...

Jorge,

I'm leaving today! We are on for five tomorrow! :)

Blogger Anisa said...

haha! this is a good one!

Blogger Kris said...

Tee hee hee.

By the way, I still can't access anyone's blogs from my sidebar. Can anyone else?

Maybe the Information Superhighway will work more smoothly in Toronto. ;)

Stacy, if you should read this, I saw your email but can't open it. Not hot.

Blogger Cheryl said...

haha! and i wouldn't be surprised if it happened.

Blogger Kiki said...

That's brilliant. Only you Kris...only you.. :)

Blogger DC Cookie said...

I want to know when Onstar is going to get some competition. Can't Ford do something 'that' cool?

Blogger Dave said...

Funniest thing I've read in a month. Seriously.

P.S. I lied about Jorge. Psycho Killer, qu'est-ce que c'est. Fuh-fa-fa-fa, fuh-fuh-fa-fa-fa-fa.

Anonymous Sanora said...

You are wickedly wonderful! I can't tell you how many times a day I hear those blasted commercials while trapped on an L.A. freeway. Laughed out loud at this.

Anonymous Sanora said...

Oh, and yes, the sidebar links work...

Blogger Slade said...

Sometimes I fantacize about trying to sell something to telemarketers who call my house.

"hello, mrs. slade would you like to donate to the fire department?"

"no, how about you donate to the broke-ass slade fund?"

Anonymous Jorge said...

Run run run run run...
Run Run away....

Blogger Sharkbait said...

That's hysterical. Makes you wonder right?

I laughed as well. And I needed it!

Blogger nabbalicious said...

Holy shit, I'm dying! That is awesome.

Is it totally wrong that I laugh my ass off when those commercials come on and make fun of those people? I remember one where the lady was sobbing because..she...*sniffle*...LOCKED HER KEYS IN HER CAR! Sobbbbbb.

Get a grip, people.

Blogger erin said...

ooohhh mama,
you just took some of the steam out of my stress engine...thanks.
HILARIOUS!!

Blogger MKD said...

OnStar frightens me. Do you really want someone knowing where you are all of the time? But when I deliver my jesus baby on 495 during a storm I'll be sure to remember that I've said this.

Blogger Jeremy said...

This post fills me with mirth.

Anonymous dcdramagrrls said...

On star scares the crap outta me too - I recently worked on a lawsuit, we subpoenaed the onstar records for some of the witnesses - we knew everywhere they drove for months. And, a FBI agent said they have the capibility of listening in on your car if they wanted to. I'm not sure if thats true, but seeing those records was enough to have mine disabled the very next day.

Blogger Complacent Chase said...

Too funny!

Blogger Neil said...

Does Onstar talk to you on those long trips when you get lonely? Or play 20 questions?

Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Very funny, but this was the best:
there was that one really good call where the woman thought she was having a baby in a Ford Focus, but it turned out to be gas.

Blogger sassyassy said...

Onestar, I'm in trouble...I can't have an orgasm...could you send someone to help?

Blogger Sub Girl said...

haha, oh Onstar.

Blogger Weary Hag said...

This is precious. Thanks for the morning chuckle! Perhaps Onstar can help you sort out the sidebar? Oops... they don't do computers yet. Maybe next year.

Blogger duff said...

*giggling*

i've always wondered about those commercials.....

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