November 2, 2005
Hit me with your best . . . spit
Dear unidentified male,

Good morning. I hope this rant finds you well.

It is such a beautiful day today. The leaves are just turning and as the weather people are prone to say, "it's unseasonably warm." Young tikes are enjoying a sleepy dawn on the playground. Yes, those are cumulus clouds you see. That's right, the ones that look like Mickey. The scene is virtually unblemished, with the exception of one tragic thing: YOUR DISGUSTING AND INEXPLICABLE NEED TO SPIT GLOBS OF MUCOUS ON THE GROUND DESPITE VIRTUALLY EVERY SOCIAL NORM DICTATING TO THE CONTRARY.

I do not enjoy stepping in it.
I do not enjoy gagging as I repeatedly pass it while walking in the park.
I do not enjoy watching said children swirl it around with a stick.

This is not acceptable behavior whether in your suit or workout clothes.
It is only appropriate should you find yourself a) finishing the Tour de France ahead of Lance Armstrong, or b) birthing a child in the street.

And I'm guessing it will be a while before either of those happens for you.

So as the Olsen twins once said as chubby cherubs: CUT. IT. OUT.

In other news, I'm not sure I can take the sexual tension on the Office much longer. I'm either going to have to force those two to make out or start rubbing up against my office copier.

Labels:



52 Comments:

Blogger NARDAC said...

I want to be the first to say, hmmm, I blanked out the rest except the part where you rub against the copier. I'm sure there's somebody in your office writing a blog that'll comment about that.

Blogger kitkat said...

Preach it, sister! Snot globs on the sidewalk are undeniably heinous.

Blogger Poppy Cede said...

I don't understand why Pam freaked out on Jim when he lifted her up. Can someone please explain? Don't play the flirting game if you're worried what others will think.

Blogger Lushy said...

Hmmm. The copier. *runs off to get ready for work*

Blogger A Unique Alias said...

Indeed, I believe the juxtaposition of hot office sex and mucous on the sidewalk is - - well, suffice it to say, your blog is like a transcription of Japanese pornography.

Anonymous AfromABQ said...

Stinkin men and their spit! You'll never see a woman just randomly spit phlegm on the sidewalk, on their way to work where others will be walking. Ewww! Dirty boys!

Blogger Jürgen Nation said...

Poppy! I couldn't understand that either! Jim is dreamy. I like 'em tousled.

And spit. *boot*

Blogger Poppy Cede said...

I glare at the spitters. Perhaps instead I should spit in their face? On their shoes? At their girls? Into their wallets?

Maybe we should ask the writers of the show to interpret the Pam and Jim scene. I think they got it wrong. The only thing I can think of is that her belly was showing and that's what embarrassed her, but again I state: Don't play the flirting game if you're worried what others will think.

Anonymous Jorge said...

This is funny, as my wife actuallys tepped in gob the other day.

Men are idiots. Haven't you figured this out yet? I remember playing hockey, and one guy talking about how important it was to hydrate himself.

Meanwhile, for every gulp of water, he spat 10 times.

Idiots...

Blogger Jürgen Nation said...

Whore-hey!!

I've decided that everytime you come into the "room," I need to shout enthusiastically, "Whore-heeyyyyy!" The name! So cool.

you know what's worse than fresh globs of spit? frozen globs of spit. when it's so cold and those spit globs cling to the sidewalk for days on end until the weather warms up. nasty shit, i tell you. nasty.

Blogger Anisa said...

i completely agree! spitting is so DISGUSTING! the sight of it makes me want to puke.

fabulous rant, dahling.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Just here to say hello and mention humping cats.

Blogger Cheryl said...

I only hope more people read this rant. Thanks.

Blogger Kim said...

a.) I'm not a unidentified.
b.) I'm not a male.
c.) I have a cold!

I spit the other day but only when no one was looking. I had to! I know, I'm gross. I'll go sit in the corner.

Blogger Bill said...

Sometimes the old ideas are the best ideas. Bring back the spittoon!

People who spit should be required by law to lick it up.

Blogger Candace said...

Do you know what's funny? I read "office copier" and actually saw "office manager".

Kind of puts a whole new spin on that sentence, eh?

Blogger Sizzle said...

that is, hands down, my biggest pet peeve. why do they spit!? why!? *shudder* it grosses me out to the max.

oh and that whole- children swirling it around with a stick? majorly disgusting! hee hee.

Anonymous Sanora said...

nice rant and yes, it is completely uncalled for - find a trash can to spit into if you must, do it at the base of a tree where it will blend into the dirt, do it into the sink in the restroom (then run water) (a lot of water) I mean there are just so many options other than on my pathway.

As for the Office, I have yet to watch the American version...what network is it on?

Blogger DC Cookie said...

Perhaps he was listening to the 'loogie' song on those 'smoking is stupid' radio commercials and he was inspired.

Blogger Mel said...

Wow, rubbing up against the copier?!? God, you are hot.

I bet you used the Joey "Cut-It-Out" hand gestures as you were writing this.

You're rants are awesome. I needed a smile today... thanks :)

Anonymous Jorge said...

I realize that I am now spoiled.
There is definitely not enough Jorge in this post.

Totally go after the copier. Trust me, it works.

Blogger DC Cookie said...

Copier..unless your office has a nice big water cooler - preferable.

Blogger nutty said...

Copier, but make sure you just made copies so it's warm. Then make more copies ... hehe

Blogger LBseahag said...

Gnarly...

Even worse is when women do "farmer blows"...i saw that outside a Rite Aid a week ago...
chunky!

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Blogger Brookelina said...

Funny you should post this today. This morning I was walking out of WaWa with my 24 ouncer when there before my eyes were two of the Jersey shore's finest - construction workers. Mmm mmm. One was a beautiful boy and the other a slightly older but no less attractive man. As we walked towards each other, my eyes locked with the beautiful boy's, when suddenly he leaned over and hocked a loogie.
Moment broken. His friend burst out laughing as I walked past with a slightly disgusted look on my face and said "Nice going bud, next time why don't you fart too."

Blogger Brookelina said...

Oh, his friend said that, not me. At least we all got a good laugh out of it.

Blogger missbhavens said...

Eeeeeeewwww! The only thing nastier than this is when some kleenex-less freak holds down one nostril while shooting out a loogie form the other. In public...God forbid, on the subway.

Blogger Heather B. said...

True Story: In second grade, someone had spit on THE SCHOOL BUS and what did I do when I saw this? I threw up on THE SCHOOL BUS.

I don't do large gobs of spit and the thought makes me ill.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

Agreed. On the spit globule, and on The Office.

Blogger Washington Cube said...

Re: The Office. I thought you were writing about your office, so when I read about "forcing those two to make out or rubbing against the copier," I thought, "Oh my....blink."

I agree with Lbseahag.. nothing is worse than an actual 'farmer blow' which is when you cover one nostril with your finger and blow hard. This action propells the snot and booger long distances. It's pretty damn nasty.

As for The Office last night... I agree, I want Pam and Jim to just hook up and get the tension over with. I don't know why she spazzed out either. Jim's so darn cute. I love his teeth and that messed up hair of his.

Blogger mysterygirl! said...

Haha-- I thought you meant your office, too. So much for careful reading...

The casual spit is almost delightful when compared to hearing someone hock (sp?) up the mucus in the back of their throat before they spit. That sound alone makes me dry heave... ugh.

Blogger jamwall said...

i thought people idolized my gobs of mucous!

and i will beat lance armstrong some day!!!.......nyah!

Anonymous three cats shy said...

Hello - long time reader, first time commentator (always wanted to say that) love your blog (blah, blah, blah) I agree with the tirade against the snot - how can anybody not realize how revolting that is? I am also disgusted by the churning-hacking throat noises some people make when they've got phlegm. Learned my (ex!) boyfriend was one of those people when he got sick day two of a two week road trip we took this summer - hours a day of throat clearing, nose snorting, rolling down the window and spitting - EWWWW!

Blogger Complacent Chase said...

Oh my gosh...that is so disgusting. I think I threw up a little when I read that little kids swirl their sticks in it....ewww! Kids do the darndest things! ugh!

Blogger Marissa said...

Amen to that! Hate those damn spit puddles too!

Blogger Lulu said...

Hockers are grody.

Blogger Jackie said...

Seriously. I saw this man hock one and called him an asshole.

I know, I'm on the war path lately.

Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

YOUR DISGUSTING AND INEXPLICABLE NEED TO SPIT GLOBS OF MUCOUS ON THE GROUND DESPITE VIRTUALLY EVERY SOCIAL NORM DICTATING TO THE CONTRARY.

Yet another reason I can't stand baseball.

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Blogger babyjewels said...

I love that story line on the office. I can't say I really want it to go anyway right now, though. I'm enjoying where it is. Have to say, love the british original, but ours is holding its own, too.

spitting = gross. I do not want to be in contact with anyone strangers bodily fluids.

Blogger Hunt and Fish said...
Blogger nabbalicious said...

I need to send my husband over here to read this. He spits, and every so often, the wind will catch it and send it in my direction, making me want to throw up, then kill him. Probably in that order.

It's got to stop.

Blogger Jeremy said...

I never spit but I think maybe I should start. I had no idea it aroused such passion in a girl.

Blogger t2ed said...

I thought everyone was in one of two camps: spits or swallows.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

My copier isn't that friendly.

Blogger Bridget Jones said...

Two comments, in reverse order of your post:

1-buy a Rabbit vibrator. No kidding.

2-point and go 'eeeewwwww'. I promise you'll have a laugh riot at the reactions. I've done this and believe me it's both funny and productive.

Bridg

Blogger Sub Girl said...

that is truly disgusting. haha.

Anonymous Jorge said...

Nabbalicious, you should kill your husband by throwing up on him.

This would entail swallowing some shuriken or something.

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