October 19, 2005
Go ahead, use me.
Hone in on the weakness; use it to your advantage. I'm an unworthy adversary for your highly-advanced cathode ray tube.

I have had it up to here with the manipulation. I can take it from my mom over cold au gratin at Christmas dinner, but the onslaught of "feel good" shows has left me maxed out emotionally.

I know Katie and Slade can relate to the Extreme Home Makeover Phenomenon (currently being researched at the CDC alongside Ebola and the Avian Flu). The show should come with an inhaler and a box of Kleenex.

And here we have Bobby Lou. And everything would be okay for Bobby Lou, 'cept for the fact that he goes to second grade with no head. And his mother has seven arms without fingers; his father is a donkey.

And his sister is made of Jello.
A logical response? Well, that's just craptastic. I wish them well. I have $LMNOP,000 in student loans on a useless undergrad degree, and a skin tag I'd really like to have removed before my next sexual encounter.

But as we all know, that's not what happens. You weep openly, you indulge in your guilty dairy pleasure of choice, and you watch it again on Tivo the next evening. But not before you watch Nightly News.

Now why do you think Brian Williams exists?

No, young ones. He wasn't created to broadcast live in a nice cable knit about the fleecing of America or to keep New York City's spray-on tanning beds in service. He's there to make us feel.

He's part of Their plan. The plan to make me weep even though Katie Holmes chose to have a mute birth. To make us bawl at Katrina victims and that woman with an axe in her head and our collective futures given the eenie-meenie-minie-mo of the Supreme Court, all before his 22 minutes are up.

And finally (bear in mind I never thought it would come to this, TLC), I offer up A Baby Story/Wedding Story/Makeover Story/Perfect Proposal. Why don't we take the abadoned Iraqi-soldier wife without bicuspids, the 20 something unable to conceive without baboon eggs, and the Extreme-Home-Makeover reject with only a stump for a ring finger, and transform their visually awkward lives? Ugh.

And don't even get me started on Rudy.

This, my friends, is why 20-, 30- and 40-something women - and yes, even Rene Russo - are watching Laguna Beach. It's television without the baggage.


56 Comments:

Blogger Kim said...

Did you see Laguna Beach last night? I can't believe LC's going out with Jason!

I mean, I don't watch Laguna Beach...

Blogger RitMeyer said...

Preach it sister! I am 28 and Laguna Lovin'proud.

Blogger 20SomethingMe said...

Yay! Someone else who loves Laguna Beach!!

What was up with their prom gear though? Was that high fashion or just a rich kids version of dressing down?

Blogger Oh, that girl. said...

I openly cried while watching Extreme home make over the other day and then selfishly thought about how I could get my house on that show.

Blogger NARDAC said...

I have no idea what you're talking about... and that's why sometimes I'm glad French TV is so stupidly bad I don't watch it. Crying for reality shows is the sign of a sick world.

Blogger Slade said...

HA!!!

That's what I meant to say...hehe

Blogger Anisa said...

i am OBSESSED with laguna beach! lovesit! :)

Blogger Dave said...

Have you seen this damn Interventions show? Caught about ten minutes of it on the weekend and I've never felt more voyeuristic and dirty in all my life. It's like spying on your mom while she takes a crap.

Blogger Robin said...

Great blog!
I cannot help but watch LB. It is like Crack. I hate LC with Jason...so annoying.

Blogger Sizzle said...

So Laguna Beach is the cure? Cuz I sure as shit cry at those stupid shoes. That Amy Grant one- damn her! I refuse to watch it. Give me Cold Case Files or Forensic Files. I can't deal with the humanity!

Blogger Wicked H said...

What is this Laguna Beach you speak of? You mean it is possible to watch TV without openly sobbing?

Oh, the humanity!!!!!!!

Blogger Jeff said...

I call those shows "Emotional Porn".

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I'm worried what will happen when the Laguna Beach season is over. I guess I'll have to go back to fantasizing about Matt & Jon from "It Takes a Thief."

Blogger Asian Mistress said...

I HATE extreme home makeover...

At least the people on Laguna are all hot and don't need anything done to them. Except maybe a personality change.

Hah.

I am always suprised at the 20-30-40 yeaer old women watching though...

Blogger Kenneth said...

Dude, unplug. Yeah, you'll have no idea what anyone at work is talking about, but you won't be an emotional wreck, either.

I've found returning to "embarrisingly out of touch with pop culture" status comfortable and refreshing.

Blogger Jeremy said...

I've only watched one episode of one home makeover show. It was this fat family and they kept saying, "Oh my God!" at everything that happened. When they finally got their house back, every member of the family said "Oh my God" at every single detail of the new house. Oh my God, this. Oh my God, that. Oh my God, we're legally retarded.

I wanted to yell at the TV: "Don't you have any other phrase in your vocabulary? ... maybe something like, 'nice bedspread...'" -- at least it's descriptive. I wanted to slap them all, and never stop slapping them.

I haven't watched a makeover show since.

Blogger Kris said...
Blogger DC Cookie said...

Then again, it's great fodder when you're having a bad day and want to know that someone else is having a worse day. Laguna Beach doesn't help on those days...

Blogger JJ said...

The worst part for me is that I can't get through the living room without MLA dumping the Queen for a Day story on me so even though I don't watch it and want push the megaphone down Tye Pennington's throat, I still have to suffer.

Blogger Mel said...

I had it when Amy Grant got her "Three Wishes". Seriously, I can't take these shows anymore either.

Your Laguna Beach is my Bold and the Beautiful... I don't know what I would do without my CBS soaps!

Anonymous AfromABQ said...

I'm 45 and I'm a LB addict! No shit. I have not admitted this to any of my friends or family, because they would not understand. I don't even understand :).

I'm also an LB addict. It's a self-esteem boosting tool. ;)

Blogger mysterygirl! said...

You are so right, Kris. Now it seems like I bawl at everything (ask my poor boyfriend). Unfair. And if those reality shows are bad, don't even turn on Discovery Health, the channel where I weep while watching conjoined twins get separated, or strange diseases get diagnosed and cured, or whatever... cripes.

That's just one reason why I love me some Laguna...

Blogger MKD said...

I can't believe you said it. It's just out there. You can't take it back. It's been logged as part of the internet publishing history.

Anonymous sandra said...

I often get teary while watching Made on MTV (is that pathetic?!)...all those dreams coming true...and don't think I've ever made it through any of the emotional porn you mentioned without welling up.

That said, I'm SO with you on Laguna Beach. And the LC/Jason thing really is bizarre.

Rudy! Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!
*sniff*
You're the man Rudy!1

Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!

Blogger Shelly said...

I like Extreme Makeover Home Edition. Maybe it's b/c Ty is just so yummmy! Although I am a criar and it is hard for me to watch without a box of tissues. My sister watches me and waits for that one solitudal tear to roll down my cheek b/c she knows a torrent is to follow!!

Blogger oregano said...

EMHE sucked me in like a black hole when it first aired. Halfway into the first season, it seemed every episode was like the one before it. Soon, it became more about product placement than the stories. I grew tired of it and turned off my television.

Since, I've watched several episodes of Smallville on DVD.

Anonymous whoorl said...

i love laguna beach. of course, my main reason for tuning in is to see if i am ever walking around in the background. :)

Blogger Ruben said...

Good post and great blog template.

Blogger sassyassy said...

I have been sucked into the LOST time continuum void. I have not had the pleasure of Laguna Beach..guess I need to check it out. I just can't get any sympathy up for the katie holmes silent birthing...sounds like a drag to me.

Blogger Kristen said...

I must be the only person in American not watching Laguna Beach. I guess I was too wrapped up in Filthy Rich Cattle Drive.

Ugh.

Blogger unixlinux said...

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Blogger LBseahag said...

Ty Pennington is an acid-washed Ryan Seacrest ...

Laguna Beach is my obsession...everyone who watches it has great taste in TV...

Blogger Bill said...

I've never watched Laguna Beach. I've seen Extreme Home Whatever and my only suggestion for that show is a name change: Extreme Home Makeover for Crystal Meth Addicts. Why do those people insist on yelling? Why do people watch shows where people yell at them constantly? Who the hell acts like that? Oh, I know - people jacked on crystal meth!

And that picture in your post ... for the love of Mike, someone get that woman a meal!

Arrggg ... I feel fiesty and bitchy tonight!

Blogger Jürgen Nation said...

Sidebar:

I called you back and left a message! I have lunch at 12-1:30 - I'll try calling you again and will leave my cell number if I can't reach you.

Sorry to interrupt comments.

Anonymous Jorge said...

Ah, the emotional bombardment from the feel-good TV shows.

This is why I watch House MD.
Indeed, the patients are usually saved by the end, but the fact that he's a prick makes it worth it.

Nothing like a cure with a little insult...

Blogger BamaGirl said...

I watched EMHE this week and my husband walked in on me in a full cry-fest. He was like, "what's wrong?" and I said, this family is so deserving! By the way, I don't think Ty Pennington is attractive at all. His nipples scare me when he does the obligatory take-off-your-shirt-once-an-episode.
Laguna is so addictive! LC is the prettiest person I've ever seen! I wish I had half of Kristen's confidence when I was that age.

Blogger Kim said...

My shhhedule is completely open tonight. Let the fun begin.

Blogger bandick said...

I rarely watch these shows because it usually turns out ugly. Like last Friday when I sobbed my way through a frozen pizza while watching Three Wishes. Damn car crash victim. It was like watchin Homer Simpson. Booohooo, waahhh, munch, munch, slurp, ahhhh, booohoo, waahh.

Anonymous Jacynth said...

My advice: Take those feel good shows and turn them upside down. There's nothing more satisfying than laughing your ass off at an episode of 7th Heaven or at a Lifetime movie where the lesson learned is not to sleep with your step-father.

Blogger angelatee said...

Hey, some of my best friends are made of jello.

Unfortunately they don't get out much during the summer months.

Blogger Cheryl said...

Too funny.

Blogger Brookelina said...

My trash of choice is The OC, because let's face it, Ryan is hot.

And let's not forget that Lost is on tonight, my ultimate television obsession.

Feel good reality tv used to be my thing but like someone else said, product placement is freaking taking over. Hell, you can't even watch Trading Spaces without them mentioning the Swifter.

Personally as far as reality tv goes, I LOVE What Not to Wear on TLC. Stacy and Clinton crack my ass up and I love seeing the makeovers.

My only true show addictions at the moment are Nip/Tuck and Lost.

Blogger Jill said...

Hello, my name is Jill, and I also am a Laguna Beach-aholic. But I can't stand that Jason kid. At all. Something about him just irks the hell out of me.

Blogger Finn said...

Oh my god. I think I love you.

Thanks for stopping by today. Please come back. (Does that sound too desperate?)

Blogger Bobby said...

I heard some people were praising laguna beach and ran right over, knowing it wasn't true.

I am shocked to find out differently.

Shocked I tell you.

Blogger erin said...

What is it about the shiny kids on LB? I can't turn it off.

However, if you really want something on the other end of the continuum from EMHE, My Super Sweet Sixteen is it. Self-obsessed, spoiled rich kids who get everything their way while their peers look up to them as if they were celebrities.

Blogger Marissa said...

I so totally agree with you! Enough of the tear-jerking, sappy reality shows! I love me some Laguna Beach - here's to the entertainment of high school drama! :)

Blogger Jenny said...

Law & Order is the only TV show i rarely miss...what is Laguna Beach? i am SO out of the loop! shame on me, the 30-something non-hip chick...who has also never seen an episode of Desperate Housewives...

Blogger katie's brain said...

Oh man, you linked my blog! I am so honoured! But now I'm worried that cool people are going to think I'm addicted to bad reality tv.

Blogger Sub Girl said...

i heart da 'Guna!

Blogger The Megan said...

God I forgot how much I love your blog!!!!

My roommate told me I was an evil person when I said that Extreme Makeover was nothing but sacchrine crap.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Excellent, love it!
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