September 27, 2005
No cookie rookie
As many of you know, I spent a few days in Long Beach last week. Seahorse/blowfish/overpriced-gift-store-plush junkie that I am, I headed straight from the 757 to the Aquarium of the Pacific. Bah. Hundreds of drooling infants/toddlers/Siamese twins stood in the line between me and my beloved sea creatures, so I decided to grab grub until the post-Happy meal coma overtook the Gremlin spawn. Hmm. Where can I partake of some truly local So Cal cuisine? I thought. Why, P.F. Changs, of course!

I wasn’t disappointed. The food was quite tasty (for a Mom and Pop joint, they pull off that "unique combination of Chinese cuisine, attentive service, wine, and tempting desserts all served in a stylish, high-energy bistro" pretty well, you know?) and they even gave me a fortune cookie. Oooooh, the anticipation. What fortune lies ahead for the world traveler on her snazzy business trip? Extra mini-bottles of conditioning shampoo? A chance meeting with Matthew McConaughey or other sweaty, orange L.A. citizen? Free hotel p*rn?

These were not to be.

Make your given talents shine to your advantage.

Come again?

I’m sorry, I must have confused my post-Lo Mein-al fortune with my Franklin Covey to do list. Since when did fortune cookies start instructing us on how best to influence our future? I’d call my mom or my guidance counselor if I was a quart low on advice. Shouldn’t they just bestow good fortune upon my lazy ass just as cookies of old did?

Not to worry; Family Guy will return in just a few seasons with ten percent less potty humor and pounds more Meg bashing.

You won’t look quite as hideous when those braces and headgear are removed later . . . this decade.

You will stop feeling as sorry for Pat Sajak as you do for old people dining alone at Sizzler.

He will most definitely not be elected for a second term.

Lifetime will eventually screen a movie about a woman empowered by something other than financial/emotional/parental abandonment, fire, or amputation.

That picture of a n*ked Hasselhoff cuddling pug puppies will turn out to be a dream, just like that entire season of Dallas.

Or maybe those are just the fortunes I wish I’d gotten.


Kris, are you accepting applications?

By writing this, I think you JUST DID let your "talents shine" meant you should be a Burlesque dancer with lotsa sequins. That sounds like fun too.

Anonymous Jorge said...

You will never stop being awesome.

That is what you should have read when you saw your fortune.


Blogger Slade said...

hilarious! This has inspired a raunchy post of my own...hehe

Anonymous Your Beau said...

I like the burlesque dancer thing, though I'm sure even I could only withstand so much of the accompanying Madonna's/Kelly Clarkson's vocal talent.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I desperately wanted head gear when I was little.

Blogger babyjewels said...

Make your given talents shine to your advantage (in bed)

When you add the "in bed" I think the cookie wants you to be a hooker. What kind of mom&pop place is this?

Blogger Amanda said...

those are some great fortunes.
i enjoy the chinese proverb, "man who fart in church sit in his own pew."

Blogger Kim said...

Now about the Lifetime one, what else is there for women to be empowered by? I don't understand.

Blogger Lauren said...

I LOVE aquariums. Love them.

Blogger Danielle said...

I miss PF Changs! When I lived in LA, I frequented the one by the Beverly Center. Their chicken lettuce wrap things are my favorite.

And like babyjewels, I always add "in bed" to the end of my fortunes.

Blogger JordanBaker said...

I still think "you have a nice cake waiting for you" qualifies as the best fortune ever. Especially since it didn't actually happen. Damn cookie tease.

I have "fddsh" as my verification word, which seems like an alternative spelling of fettish, or some Yiddish potato dish.

Blogger Jenny said...

Yeah...Lifetime, what else would they show? I don't have fancy cable anymore, so I don't have Lifetime, but last time I watched it was because I wanted to watch those lame shows. Maybe I'm just a sucker for crappy TV movies. :)

Love this one:
He will most definitely not be elected for a second term.

Even though -thank God- Bush cannot be elected again, how cool would it have been to make mass quantities of these and send them to everyone who voted for Bush the first time?! Ha.

Blogger Jeremy said...

The best fortune cookie I ever got was from a dusty old Chinese restaurant in Idaho:

"You deserve respect and you will get it."

I kept it in my wallet and would bust it out when people got sassy. I loved that fortune...

Blogger Sizzle said...

I have a fortune taped to my computer that says:

"All your hard work will soon pay off."

Liars. Here I am still toiling away. What a hoax!

(P.S. I think you should still feel sorry for Pat Sajak and for old people dining alone at Sizzler. It is a bit hearbreaking.)

Blogger Lulu said...

I used to save my fortunes. Until one day I saw the futility of believing in good fortune. That belief has been replaced with a sharp, stabbing sense of cynicism.

Anonymous Bad Maria said...

First of all, PF Changs a mom and pop joint???? quite the chain mom and pop are running these days.

Second, very hurt that you were a mere 30 minute drive away and I was not given the heads up to buy you a glass of wine.

Third, your fortune cookie of the day:
Next time you fly anywhere in the proximity of Los Angeles, you will get very drunk with Bad Maria.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would have appreciated something in my single days like, "DO NOT wear your granny panties on Saturday night when you go to the club. Just don't." Or, "Shave your effing legs because you're going to finally meet a decent looking guy at the bar this weekend."

But whatever. It saved me lots of times, though I was crushed at the time.

Blogger bandick said...

Yeah, Chang's is where I got this one...

Blogger Bridget Jones said...

oh yeah the sequins thing!!

Hope you're right on #4, and that last one just scared the ____ out of me.

To quote Phoebe, MY EYES! MY EYES!!

Blogger Paul said...

Yo, why you gotta FRONT David Hasselhoff.

He's big in Germany or Jakarta or something like that.

Blogger katie's brain said...

Damn you Kris. I'm in a pouty mood today, and you up and spoiled it by making me laugh again!

Blogger Cheryl said...

You should market those fortunes, because I would soooo rather see that in my cookie too.

Blogger still_figuring_out said...

hey, i want those in my fortune cookies!

Blogger LBseahag said...

Thank you for bringing your flashy pizzazz to Long Beach...

Next time you are here you have to try Taco Beach...1/2 ass mexican food, good live bands, and lots of strange people to stare at...

That scared me...I am on a first name basis with the GM at the local Sizzler...and hometown Buffet....I wish I knew what Pat Sajak was doing tonight....

Blogger MoDigli said...

The fortune I'd like to get:

"those obnoxious upstairs neighbors you have that can't stop jumping off the furniture and pounding on the floor all day and night will, in a perfect twist of fate, lose their legs in freaky bungee jumping accident. Soon. Just be patient."

Blogger K said...

ok... I can lurk silently no more... you and I must have been separated at birth (and not in that "single white female/I'm insane" way you are no doubt thinking of. Admittedly, you are infinitely more articulate and clever than I (just as one twin inevitably is) but the similarities are unmistakable...

My case in point:

Same name - I'm also a "kris" (Kris-tin actually, but Kris to those who know me best)

Same profession (at least I think) - I, too, am a budding psychologist, fresh from grad school

Same psuedo-alcoholic tendencies and affinity for wine

Same fascination with Matthew McConaughey (took me a while to recover from the naked bongo drum fiasco though)

Same nicotine vice (you've "one-uped" on this one by actually quitting - but I'm getting there)

And, just so I could deny it no longer... the final straw...

Same troubling response to verging-on-beastiality nudie Hasselhoff photo.

yup... definitely related.

Rock on sista!

Blogger Sub Girl said...

hahahaa i love your fortunes...especially the last one about Hasselhoff. Scary. I once got a fortune saying "You are a good man" or something. Which is nice, except I'm not a man!

Blogger t2ed said...

I routinely tape the very inappropriate fortunes I receive to my office door. Currently residing there are:

You were born with the skill to communicate with people easily.

You will soon be promoted.

There is a prospect of a thrilling time ahead of you.

The irony of these fortunes never cease to make me laugh.

Blogger mrsmogul said...

We had fortune cookies after dinner in a restaurant in NJ last week, my sister's fortune said she was getting a promotion..which is true!


BTW, I put up the scan today :)

Blogger Kiki said...

That naked hasslehoff one got me.
What a weird fortune!

Blogger MKD said...

It would also be great if they came in Engrish. But then that would be wrong. But funny.

Blogger Mel said...

I think I count as one of the old people that dine at the Sizzler.

Fortunes I wish I had gotten:
Bobby Bowden has an unfortunate accident with Cheif Osceola and a hatchet.

UVA is destroyed when an undiscovered volcano erupts in Charlottesville, Virginia.

Marcus Vick will lead Virginia Tech to win the National Championship in Fall 2005.

Anonymous Sandra said...

I enjoy PF Changs for the same reason I like hotels - predictability. You're always going to get the same (clean) service...nothing too crazy. I think maybe that's the reason Lifetime movies are...well, played constantly - people know what's going to happen before they start, so there's no thinking involved. Fast-food TV. With Meredith Baxter, usually.

Blogger KlevaBich said...

The best fortune I ever got:

"You will attend a party where strange customs prevail."

Just try to top that one.

Blogger Brookelina said...

I get very angry when I get advice rather than fortunes. Smarmy little fortune writers, probably angry they can't get real writing jobs.

40 minutes to Lost!!!! Well, the replay of last week's anyway, which I will be watching very closely for clues!

Blogger JJ said...

I was one of the last people in the world to learn of the "In Bed" game - where you add "in bed" to the end of your fortune and read it aloud at the table.

I was really looking forward to doing mine and then I opened the cookied and got my fortune: With a good conscience, you will sleep well.

In bed.

Oh well.

Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

You ever consider a job creating fortune cookies? It needs to be done. I'm tired of the regular fortunes.

I'd like to see something more along these lines:

Whatever you do, do not go see your mother next month

Your spouse is cheating on you

Someone in the office will try to poison your drink next week, so watch your drink carefully

Your kid is currently skipping school doing something naughty

Don't buy lottery tickets because you'll never win

Cancel your vacation plans. Something very bad will happen if you don't

Then sit back and look at the peoples' faces when they read them.

Anonymous Jenny said...

Oh, man. I wish I could tell you it was a dream, but I knew I had just seen this recently (scroll to the end).

Be afraid.

Hilarious entry!

Blogger Janet said...

Fortune cookies have long bothered me. Rarely, if ever, do they contain actual fortunes. Instead they are filled with things like "You are a patient listener." What does that have to do with the price of tomatoes?!

Blogger Weary Hag said...

Excellent post on the misfortunes of fortune cookies. *sigh* I miss the days when they actually offered a prediction; however lame it may have been.

You would have loved my former job. I worked for the Mystic Aquarium here in New England - great place to work - horrific management - beautiful marine life - crap pay.

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