August 18, 2005
Spam libs
Hello (derogatory adjective) writer!

I saw your (insulting adjective) comment on my blog today. Thanks for stopping by, you (belittling noun)!

I'm not sure why you devoted your blog to (heinous affliction), the uses for a (kitchen utensil) in the bedroom, or the wonders of (histrionic Canadian pop sensation married to her 80-year-old manager) , but more importantly, why do you think we need to be there with you?

We presently have no need for your (type of snake oil), (specific pyramid scheme), (radical religious or political preference), or giant miniature golf windmill, but please feel free to stop back at my site when (afterworld) freezes over.

No, no. Really. If we EVER need a (nationality)-Internet bride, crates of (collectable ceramic characters), or (food item) bearing the image of (religious icon), we'll write you.

No really.

(British salutation),
(Your name here)

Labels:



41 Comments:

Blogger Cheryl said...

HAHAHA! This is soooooo funny! I love it.

Blogger Jessica said...

Spam-bloggers suck! How's Sela doing?

Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

We need to get medieval on their asses. I hate having to delete blog spam.

Blogger still_figuring_out said...

lol. i love this letter to spammers!

Blogger JordanBaker said...

This is perfect. You've managed to say everything I've wanted to say everytime I've been offered a Russian Wife or a ceiling fan in the past couple weeks. Brava!

Blogger Megarita said...

Excellent all purpose message. Although I have to say I do love all the positive feedback and offers of new and exciting items!

Blogger A Unique Alias said...

Is it wrong that I feel slightly marginalized for never having received such spam?

Blogger Mel said...

Wait, you didn't need info on how to use kitchen utensils in your bedroom?

Sorry, I thought you were kinky like that.



Seriously, the spammers are really getting on my nerves. Does anyone know where Blogger headquarters is? I think we should all take a road trip... and stage a riot in the parking lot.

Blogger Robin said...

I agree, the spammers are getting out of hand. Up until last week, I never had any problems on my site, now BOOM, here they are. It seems that we are not safe from unsolicited sleaze, I mean, salespeople anywhere.

Blogger babyjewels said...

Best post EVER.

Wish I had thought of it. I may print it out and fill in the blanks for fun.

Blogger Huw said...

Know what I got today?

Timber! Bloody Timber. Why on EARTH would I want to know about Timber?

Blogger JJ said...

The stock quote in my comments was three frickin pages long. Anyway, I found your post to be positively (expletive) hilarious.

Blogger Kiki said...

Ugh. In total agreement.

Blogger Kim said...

Let's not get carried away Kris. Hypothetically, let's say some of us might like for offers of internet brides to come to us so we don't have to do the google search that our bosses will eventually find in our cookies and call us into their office to discuss.

Hypothetically...

Blogger Dave said...

Blogger has actually released a sort-of fix for spam. Haven't tried it myself because my spam remains at low and amusing levels. Check it.

http://buzz.blogger.com/2005/08/word-verification-for-comments.html

Blogger Dave said...

Oh, and I almost forgot...

I really enjoyed your site! I've got my own blog about monkeys with big red asses. Come check it out!

Blogger notasoccermom said...

Kris, you're just TOO damn funny. I find myself wanting to (VERB) you more and more each day.

Blogger Kris said...

Thanks crew for your feedback!

ZS, I hope you are not going to change your name to Spammerslayer, although it does have a nice ring to it . . .

huw, wtf? are you kidding?!? we need to start a support program for these people . . .

dave, i was pretty sure that yourn link was going to open up Jorge's blog.

jerk, you SO don't want to be me. i get really bad cramps. wait, is that not what you meant?

Blogger Jeremy said...

Goodness me, you got blasted with the spam on your last blog entry. This has all started, it seems, in the last week or two. Every blog I read has some of these stupid anonymous spam comments. The worst I got was an entire screenful of information on obscure stock options -- I promptly removed it.

I want to internet bitch-slap all of them.

Blogger Jürgen Nation said...

I wonder if there are spammers for "Spam Block" software.

Maybe it'd go:
"Hi, I really enjoy your site. I'll be back!

Check out my anti-spam page at Stop Spammers Now!" We have all the tools to make sure that uninvited spammy jerks don't come to YOUR site and leave fake genuine messages about how much they enjoy your site, with a link to visit their product page."

I'd like to see that one.

Blogger DC Cookie said...

Amusing that no spam comments have hit this particular post. Perhaps you offended the spam?

Blogger Danielle said...

your post made me think of the "save ferris" song "spam." it's very funny.

Spam
It's pink and it's oval
Spam
I buy it at the Mobil
Spam
It's made in Chernobyl
Spam...

Blogger Slade said...

Yeah, girl you tell 'em!!! What the hell is going on lately??? It seems that all my blogger buddies including myself have had this problem...I went to a friend's page the other day and she had 6 comments in a row from anonymous advertisers...so she changed her settings to no longer allow anonymous comments and the next day, I shit you not, there were 6 more comments from various advertisers using weird made-up names!!!! When will it stop!!!

Blogger Brookelina said...

I curse them out and then delete them. But you already knew that.

And I'm starting to take a perverse pleasure in it.

Blogger Ruben said...

I like the way you cleverly told that person off without cursing. I on the other hand need to curse until my lips bleed.

Blogger lizzyjane said...

YOU ARE BRILLIANT.
I bask in your literary genius.

Blogger Bridget Jones said...

BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!

THAT is a work of art!!! TY!!

Blogger erin said...

too funny for words...
but does remind me of my first job @ 16 --telemarketing...HORRIBLE!!!
i got paid almost 8$ an hour to repeat myself over and over on the phone and sit there and get yelled at...not bad for 16...pretty much like getting paid to deal with my parents(just kidding).

--excuse me miss, your issues are showing...

Blogger Jackie said...

Hey Kris...
I think I'll use that form-letter soon. Heh. Excellent. I've added you to my blogroll list...we actually have a lot of friends in common and I have been reading your blog through them. I also love the title of your blog. It always makes me giggle. I'm a white wine kind of girl, myself.

Talk to you soon!
:) J

Anonymous Bad Maria said...

as Monty Python started in the 70s (really showing my age now!) SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM....you nailed it once again which is why I read you on a daily basis, (1) to get my daily nutrient level of wit; (2) to exercise away fatuous commentary; and (3) to rid my body and spirit of unwanted spam! Brava baby!

Blogger mrsmogul said...

Oh man! what happened? I used to eat cubed spam with scrambled eggs when I was a kid.

Blogger Keith said...

Hilarious. I think we all got hit this weekend. Mine seemed to be pimping startup companies, but I didn't understand half of it.

Blogger yunebug said...

It really is a shame... I used to LOVE spam. You could cut spam in slices and cook them on a frying pan. Didn't need any oil or butter because each slice had so much grease already! SPAM never stuck to the pan.

I'm so saddened to see such great specially packaged army meat's name be degraded by these (Vietnamese soup) (sits on throne) (shhh) it heads.

It's a shame, really. <:0)

Blogger KOB said...

I am seeing more and more of these spam comments on blogs. Funny post.

Anonymous Jorge said...

Wicked!

Now all you need to do is send that out to everyone!

;)

This is the second time someone has used the word histrionic over the course of as many days! What the hell?

Blogger Las Fashionistas said...

Brilliant post! How we hate those spam monkeys.

Blogger Gretchen said...

Hysterical and so very true! I got hit with 5 over the weekend. First ever.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Help me if you can I'm feeling down" - I also think I must be lost.

I was searching for Elvis and somehow ended up in your blog, but you know I'm sure I saw him on the golf course yesterday. Now this is strange because usually I see him in the supermarket.

Honest really, last time I saw him there he was right in front of me, next to the steaks singing "Love me Tender".

He said to me (his lip was only slightly curled) "Boy, you need to get yourself a shiny, new lcd tv to go with that blue suede sofa of yours.

But Elvis said I, In the Ghetto nobody has a lcd tv .

Dude I'm All Shook Up said Elvis. I think I'll have me another cheeseburger.

Then I'm gonna go home, put ma dancin' suit on, munch me some uppers and freak out to that maaaaaaaaad surfing scene in Apocalypse Now on ma lcd tv .

How cool is that boy?

And then he just walked out of the supermarket singing. . .

"You give me love and consolation,
You give me strength to carry on "

Strange day or what? :-)

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'd have to say that I agree with you 100%. You might like this golf cart accessory golf site that I came across. Thanks again for your insight.

Post a Comment

<< Home

footer