June 25, 2005
What every woman should know
Poppy's husband made her watch another Tom Cruise interview last night. As any woman would, she feared for her safety and mental health.

We must stop the insanity before he takes over. Women, prepare youself. Tom Cruise is bound to be on TV again soon. My advice to Poppy, and the millions of innocent others just like her:

Should you find yourself in a similar situation again, fearing that a manic Tom Cruise will a) bite you, forever rendering you susceptible to Scientology, or b) jump through your television screen with Ms. Holmes attached to his back, follow these simple tips:

1) Repeat after me: "I'm on Prozac. I'm on Prozac." Your admission of using psychotropic drugs will render you useless and unappealing to Mr. Cruise, who thinks everyone should be able to overcome clinical depression with Dexatrim.

2) Ask politely, "Can you show me your Oscar?" Confusion and denial should set in. Melting process (a la the Wicked Witch of the West) should commence within 2.4 seconds.

3) Apply Katie Holmes mask, complete with unusally small cherub teeth, to your husband's face. Hide behind him. Tom Cruise should promptly begin making out with your masked husband allowing you to flee to higher ground. Note: Remove husband from environment within two days to avoid imminent Tom Cruise marriage proposal.

4) Quickly remove the couch from your immediate vicinity. All evidence shows that he does not appear a threat in areas where he has no couch from which to preach.

5) Insert bike pump into Mr. Cruise's right ear. Inflate to 26 ppsi. Already swollen head should explode. Caution: if mouth is wide open in witch cackle stance at point of combustion, move at great speed for cover. Flying Chiclet teeth have been known to cause injury in laboratory rats and Kidman household.

Good luck.

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14 Comments:

Go on http://nappyegg.blogspot.com/.

Blogger Kris said...

Uh, ok.

While we're on the topic of shameless promotion: I drink DIET COKE, love TACO BELL, and can't wait to see the Sony Pictures release BEWITCHED that is sure to be this summer's hottest comedy! (insert photo of me holding Diet Coke here)

Blogger Poppy Cede said...

Thanks for saving me, Kris. I am relatively unscathed, a little dehydrated, and only need about 3 years of therapy to get over the Dave Letterman interview, but at least I found my power adapter so that I can continue blogging out the badness!

Blogger Bridget Jones said...

Thanks for the advice, Kris! Took Mom to see Bewitched yesterday. Her take: Kidman and Cruise deserved each other.

ROFL....


Bridg

Blogger Slade said...

Isn't this insane!!! He is so weird...and to think that I thought he was a total hottie when I was in high school.

Blogger Jason said...

Tom was contained for years by his high-powered facist-like publicist, Pat Kingsley. He fired her last year and has apparently decided to just let it loose. In that sense I applaud him, but yeah he's a weirdo. Whatdya expect from a Hollywood actor? Even the writers are pretty weird. ;-)

Anonymous Jorge said...

Tom Cruise scares me. I mean, the man can act, to be sure. I think he is some kind of idiot savant, who is a moron everywhere except on 35mm Movie Camera.

I bet if you used an 8mm he wouldn't have been nearly as good in Jerry McGuire.

Blogger Dave said...

Off his ADD meds. That's the theory I like.

Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

Funny. I was just commenting how much I disliked TC on The JK's blog. The guy plays the same role every movie and as a person, he kind of grates on my nerves. Not in a Paris Hilton way, but different. Hard to explain.

Let's take a look at his "better" roles: Top Gun, he played the same guy he always plays. Rainman, he played the same guy he always plays. I've never seen Jerry McGuire, but I bet he plays the same guy he always plays. Born on the Fourth of July, all right, he played someone a little bit different but that movie would have been better if a better actor played his role. Legend, I wish they didn't cast him for that role.

Blogger Angela said...

Hilarious post hehe. I have never liked tom cruise, always thought he was ugly as a doorpost and acts like a wooden boy- maybe he was pinochio in a former life hehe

Anonymous Vermont Neighbor said...

I'm the only neurotic pill-popper around that thinks Tom's okay, he should say what he wants! I mean Scientology is off the chart with all the aliens and everything. But actually, Tom's belief that vitamins and exercise can go a long way to fix a problem... it is a fair criticism to say that *some* pills just mask the symptoms.

Yes, Pat Kingsley's out of his life now, so we're seeing the real Tom. I even saw a photo of him jumping on Leno's couch! I guess he needs to go on The View next.

Brooke Shields is helping women with answers to post-partum. Tom will never know about that and thus, should keep his mouth shut.

Here's a great blog - and alot of fun:
Tom Cruise's Medical Journal (Dr Tom Cruise MD)

http://drtomcruisemd.blogspot.com/

Blogger lauren emily said...

Kris, you are my hero.

'unusually small cherub teeth'... aie! I love it!! :)

hai from sureshbabu_rb@yahoo.co.in
from kerala india

Anonymous Anonymous said...

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