Florence Henderson is not at home right now

I am choosing not to have children. I had someone ask the other day how it was that I knew this was the case. It made me again ask myself that very question.

I have known for some time now, the way that I imagine people know that they are meant to love those of the same gender, hate red onions, or believe in God. You can't prove it; you don't have scientific evidence that it is so; it's even hard to capture in intelligible sentences. I have always just thought it to be something that was what it was.

Until those around me questioned my choice in my early 20s, I didn't think anything was wrong with me.

Don't you want to give your parents grandchildren?
So do you think you'll just have cats?
What did your mom do to you?
Aren't you afraid of dying alone, covered in Ensure and fire ants?

Uh, no. I hadn't really thought of all that. But now that you mention it, I should probably end this conversation and go off myself. And my parents, you know, for good measure. I wouldn't want them to go out and beget any more women who might deny their natural purpose.

My parents raised me in a beautiful and nurturing way. They imparted a love for people and animals, they taught tolerance and respect and modeled the right way to live a life while you are here. My sister and I learned that all people are beautiful. And yes, I played with both plastic dolls as well as human children throughout my formative years.

Yet I am the 30-something woman, and was the 20-something woman and teenager, who will always choose not to hold a co-worker's baby when she is brought in for her first show and tell. My heart jumps at the sight of a neighbor's new puppy leash rather than the new stroller he parks outside. I am at times bursting with love to share, but I feel absolutely no instinct to share that love with a child.

I have known people who wanted to fix me. Who thought that if they could pick up some tools and an infant at the Home Depot, if they could just whip up a baby of my own, things would be different. I would instantly love this child and my life would be changed. I would be doing something that mattered. I would have achieved womanhood.

I smile. And I silently think about questioning anything that this person holds to be fundamental in her world. I think most about questioning her decision to have children in her life. What if I implied that this decision was an improper one? What if I told her that she should never have children? Would this not create frustration, stir anger and defensiveness? Is my decision necessarily a very different one?

So back to the original question: I just know it in my bones. Just as it would nearly end one woman's life to tell her she would never have children, I don't feel the news would greatly impact mine.

I am a firm believer that living a rich existence on this earth takes many forms. If I stop loving those in my world, caring and reaching out to others, and sharing what I can offer to those around me, please let me know. And if, for God's sake, should you find me alone and covered in Ensure and fire ants, please lend a hand.