July 4, 2005
Darth Kitty: The Phantom Menace
Hello everyone. Kris can't come to the blog right now because I've injured her in a most thoughtful and, of course, unintentional way.

While Kris was sleeping this morning, a true picture of beauty and tranquility, I did the deed. I began the luscious episode by licking myself repeatedly, even hoisting my left leg over my head - taking sheer delight in exploring every nook and cranny of my hairy, ample body. My tongue still moist with my body bits, I left her side and walked gently into the bin of crystals she so generously supplies for my hygiene. I moved to and fro and scraped the bottom with my finely-manicured nails. I'm not sure a better time was ever had.

Back to work it was then, as I had a purpose. I re-entered the bedroom, pacing myself to avoid breathing too heavily. She was still not awake. I crept up beside her on the pillow, and gently hit her on the nose with the pad on my right foot.

Kris didn't stir.

Undetered, I purred softly in an effort to awaken her. Minutes passed. Rejoice! I think she finally may have heard me, as I saw her lower lip move. But the rest of her didn't.

Growing tired of this dance, I saw no other way. I extended one body-bit-and-litter-encrusted nail, and I hooked it through her bottom lip, while screaming "You will rise and feed me now, bitch!"

I'm pretty sure she didn't hear me, as later on she only mentioned the lip.



Blogger Mel said...

Aww, It was just a 'love-scratch'. Bear and Val wake me up with 'love-bites' on my hands, arms, legs, ears. Damn us and our kitties that we love no matter what!

Bug looks so much like my two tabbies. Maybe they are separated at birth, too?

Good news: at least our cats don't smell like rancid skunk!

Blogger Kiki said...

Sorry, but this is why I think cats are evil.

Blogger deanne said...

Christ -- I'm such a cat person. I miss having cats!

Blogger Kris said...

Don't fight it, deanne and kiki. Share your love with a self-cleaning animal! :)

Blogger Kim said...

Bad kitty, BAD KITTY!

My cat use to take a running leap and land on my stomach every morning to wake me up...and I actually miss it.

Blogger kimmay said...

it must be something you are doing to that cat! he never did anything like that when he lived with me.


Blogger Slade said...

Mr. Slade and I always close our door at night (with kitty outside of the room) She will wake us in the middle of the night by putting her paw underneathe the door, grabbing the door, and shaking it with all her might (I shit you not) This is followed by the nearest shoe being thrown at the door and the frightened scamper of tabby feet down the stairs...only to start all over again in an hour or so...but I love her!

Blogger Poppy Cede said...

Um, OWWWWW! Kris, I am so sorry. That's just wrong. Kitty needs a good lesson in morning etiquette, and my girl Ripley needs to be there too. :) She uses her claw to bonk me in the nose when I oversleep. If that doesn't work she stares at my then randomly bats me on top of the head.

Blogger lizzyjane said...


Blogger Jason said...

My cat Woody nailed me like this a couple of days ago. No respect!

Blogger Kris said...

Lizzy, good point.

But house cats can't maul small children, either. Wuh?

Blogger Mel said...

Kris, good point!

Small children don't mix with any kind of pets. They either get mauled, scratched, bitten, or they starve/smother the poor things to death.

Makes me think... I'm not giving up my kitties for kids. No way.

Blogger Sub Girl said...

ahahaha aww! i hope my kitty never does that.

Blogger Jason said...

Small kids can work out just fine with pets as long as their parents take the time to teach both them and the pets (well, dogs, you can't really teach cats) how to interact. I have four cats and two psychotic puppies to go with two kids under the age of four. Somehow we manage.

Blogger Bridget Jones said...

Your cat has been talking to mine.

I know this.


Blogger Jamy said...

This is why my kitty does not sleep in my bedroom. Last time she crawled under the covers with me (it was very cold and I gave in) she woke me by biting my legs at 3am. BITING. 3:00 AM. No mas.

Blogger bandick said...

I'm wondering, since the date on the post is July 11 and it's currently July 7, perhaps this scenario can still be averted...?

WAKE UP, KRIS! Better yet, don't fall asleep. And look out for THE CLAW!

Please, consider feeding the cat at night instead of in the morning.

Blogger Miranda said...

This was a great post! :) Thanks.

My cat, Orlando, always attacks my purse strap if he sees it, and since he's been hopping on his hind legs since he was a kitten, he can jump pretty high. Love bites, purse attacks and all. :P

Anonymous Vermont Neighbor said...

All interesting stories from in the trenches... or at least from the bedroom! Bandick says it best, maybe some food put out at night? Jason, glad you bridged the gap between babies and kitties! Please please, let there be more parents out there like you.

Ultimately, I'm with Mel (and probably Kris). My kitties over any baby; they fill my heart with all kinds of Hallmark goo.

Luck is really on my side. They hear my slovenly growl in the middle of the night, a voice they're not used to. While their 4am begging used to be a little too common, they've gotten the hint. I love and gurgle over them 17-18 hours a day.

My tan & white is just (here it comes) amazing! He gives 2 gentle taps on my arm. Then he looks into my eyes: you 'wake yet? I grumble no, and pull the sheet over me. So he sort of accepts that and nestles up next to me. (Which is also heaven cuz he's not big on cuddling.) Then they all wait about 2 or 3 hours, and breakfast happens when we all get up together.

I really think it's the change in voices that says "baby talk, good. Growly voice, not now." :-)

Blogger Kris said...

Miranda, Vermont Neighbor, et al. your cats are very lucky! :)

Anonymous Vermont Neighbor said...

And Jason, you are in a pretty amazing household. Just 2 little kids is a FULL HOUSE but 4 cats and 2 dogs also. You and your significant other deserve honors from the Lincoln Center or the Kennedy Center or somewhere! That's my definition of accomplishment. Bet feeding time is a zoo:-)

Blogger lauren emily said...

I own approximately ZERO pets, and stories like this one are approximately why.

How's your lip doing??? :(

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