March 18, 2008
The bride is registered at Taco Bell
I wish I could have my reception this weekend. A full wedding reception, one at which I’ll put the money others would invest in butter cream frosting into more hors d'oeuvres. There will not be a sit-down meal to waste our socializing time, impinge upon our tipsy dancing. There will be tiny stuffed mushrooms for Mom and spanakopita for me. And spring rolls with peanut sauce. A cotton candy machine that will turn our hands and fingers into sticky pink messes; fine linens and heavy silver and a fair amount of taupe in the room, and most definitely almond hand soap in the bathrooms. The lighting will be kind. And there’ll certainly be more wine than I can shake my old maid fist at. Sparkling, cabs, pinot grigio. And the infamous fountain soda machine I so desire. Those who want beer will have to get it out of a cooler in the parking lot.

I’ll be tan, sprayed on or not, and wear a white strapless dress. No tulle, no crinoline, just a cotton beach dress bordering on seersucker. My highlights will be recent and my PMS nonexistent. Aimee will be in charge of music, and when not mocking my play lists she’ll be blasting Thriller and early 90’s pop that will be sure to prompt me into embarrassing motion. I can say with some certainty that my arms will spend a fair amount of time over my head, the way they do when I’m dancing after one too many. Stacy will snap photos of said movement for blackmailing purposes, and in my tipsiness I’ll beg her to Photoshop my chin. Erika will bring me Stoli Vanil and Diet Cokes and express disbelief at the Meximelts on the buffet. Holman will insist on buying rounds of shots for the entire room despite my assurances that the bar is indeed open. You'll probably make out with the bartender, just as you did at the last wedding. Jenny will beg Aimee to play something, anything remotely resembling rap and Kim and KB will giggle and dance to it anyway. The lovely Mrs. J will pass her husband to me for a slow dance, and halfway through I’ll change out partners to dance with her. Between glasses of red, Heather B. will live blog the whole damn thing.

There won’t be a groom, obviously, just me and my mother and sister and my people. San Francisco, Seattle, Tallahassee, Toronto. New York, New Jersey, Mass, DC, a smattering of less popular states and all parts Northern Virginia. They’ll arrive with the hope of a wedding, the belief that Kris finally found someone who appreciated her sick humor and tendency toward watching Oprah during bouts of insomnia, and there I will be, alone and shoeless in a sundress getting my triumphant groove on.

And I’ll stand by my white lie. Because while people love to plan to get together, nothing makes them actually follow through like a funeral or the promise of nuptials. I’ve had enough death this year; seems like a bottomless platter of puff pastry and some Village People might do us all a little good.


25 Comments:

Blogger Jorge said...

Y-M-C-Eh!

(See what I did there?)

You're damned straight I will be passed to you like some kind of tall, dark and handsome crack pipe. Except for dancing. Not for smoking.

You know, you're one of the only people I know that could ever pull something like this off.

Never mind that the single male population in your neck of the woods are comprised of the most idiotic and stupid men with no taste in the world (can I get an eh-men?).

Seriously.

Let's do this.

In a city that has a lake beside it.

Perhaps named after the province/state it is in.

No.

I don't let teh funnay go, love.

Never never.

:)

Blogger Chantel said...

Fuckin - A. I said that a lot in the 90s. I'd say it again at this little soiree you're planning too.

Blogger Tracy Lynn said...

Dude, I would totally show for a shindig of such excellence. Fountain drinks for EVERYONE!

Blogger HKW said...

I've never had chips and queso at a wedding. It's a new dream of mine.

While the populous state of Texas I reside in was not listed and I write from afar here in Austin, there is a lake here. Suntan. Check. Sundress. Check, check.

Blogger Ulysses said...

Damn, that's awesome. Stunningly, really.

Blogger Jessica said...

May I represent the North Carolina contingent? Sounds like a blast!

Blogger Beth said...

You had me at Stoli Vanil and Diet Cokes.

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Blogger Mamma said...

I'm just pissed I didn't get a mention. Damn, don't you need your one obligatory guest in a cast, or something??

Blogger WildbillthePirate said...

Just name the time & place & I'll hop a plane down!

Sounds like a great event! I'd definitely be there!

Hell, I say go for it. Send invites with tissue paper and everything.

Blogger Paige Jennifer said...

I'm partial to cake so if I bring my own personal serving for one (read: a 2' x 4' marble sheet cake displayed on a rolling cart and jabbed in the center with my own personal fork), can I come too?

Blogger Melina said...

I'd like to come, I give good gifts and I'm usually just ridiculous enough that no one else has anything to be embarassed about.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I want to go! It sounds like a great idea. From what I can tell, grooms are overrated anyway.

Blogger kris said...

Is it wrong that I'd send out an Evite and save the money otherwise spent on girly invitations to buy more wine? Probably.

Blogger brookem said...

Damn straight, I'm there! Wrong to send out an evite and put the $ towards wine? Hells no.

Blogger Wanderlusting said...

Terrific idea! Why don't we all do this? I mean, weddings are great and all, but what we really want is to look beautiful and get drunk with friends and family.

Blogger Jessica said...

You know, the other day a coworker asked why I've not yet married. My response? "I've yet to meet a marriage that I envy. I mostly just envy the stuff you get for getting married." I say we throw a reception! :)

Blogger wallofdenial said...

If I have to go the parking lot for beer I will probably stay there,,,no offence

Blogger M said...

i love you

Blogger WanderingGirl said...

I am totally coming to this party... crashing or not.

Blogger Heather B. said...

Oh, don't worry, I can drink red wine and blog at the same time. Never fear.

Blogger KB said...

I'm so glad that I'm invited. I wouldn't miss it for the world. Seriously, if you weren't busy on the 26th, I would totally invite you to be my date at Mary's wedding!!!

Blogger Jamie said...

"...seems like a bottomless platter of puff pastry and some Village People might do us all a little good."

Truer words were never spoken.

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