March 14, 2008
And no, asshat, I don't know my exit
I’m headed to the motherland today. I haven’t been in years, several, to be exact. I’m pretty sure Bush was president, at least one of them, but like the thought of Steve Guttenberg having sex, I try to put that out of my mind. I’m excited for taylor ham, egg and cheese sandwiches, infinite jughandles, and being in the passenger’s seat as my mother drives by the cul de sacs where I used too much tongue in parked cars. I’ve always been a classy girl.

I’d like to say that I’ll welcome running into old pals, but I’m much more of an introvert. The avoidance will start on Amtrak, when I board with strategy in mind. All who travel the northeast corridor by train know the drill: find a seat, look disgruntled, perhaps diagnosable, and don’t make eye contact. Insert iPod buds, begin reading a pamphlet on “Menstruation and You: Perfect Together”* and hope to sweet Jebus no one starts telling a life story that necessitates a trip to the café car for a bottle of white zin. I’ve done otherwise before. I’ve been forced to listen to tales about visiting a new grandkid outside of Philly, about how the guy from spring break in Richmond was SO AWESOME, about how the Man doesn’t respond to repeated letters and how he’ll get his from a shack in Montana. No one ever wants to join the foot-high club on the Acela.

The avoidance will continue on Saturday at the SuperFoodtown, where I’ll whine when my mother asks me to run in for a loaf of bread. I’ll unsuccessfully feign first cramps and then an aneurysm. She’ll force me inside with a five, stopping just short of calling me a pussy. And I’ll make a beeline for aisle 3, dodging anyone who looks remotely like the weenie who dumped me a month before the prom, or the 11th grade English teacher who denied flirtatious eye blinks made over the top of a hardcover Great Gatsby. Ah, Mr. Lamb, where art thou now?

And this Jersey girl wonders why she’s single.


* Please tell me someone else is old enough to get this Garden State reference.


23 Comments:

Blogger Amyella said...

*Raises hand* I'm old enough :)

Have fun, lady. I'm hitting my first Shamrockfest tomorrow. Good times.

Blogger jenniejen said...

OMG! If I remember correctly that is one of those horrible pamphlets they passed out in sex ed. I grew up in NJ and remember getting these horrible and embarrassing things when they would separate the boys and girls into different classes. They'd talk to us about our "lady friend" and the boys about their boners. Eek!

Blogger EDW said...

I had that pamphlet! Pork roll; disgusting but delicious. Well, welcome home, girl, from an unofficial representative of the motherland. I, myself, am going to the mall and then the diner this weekend. How Jersey is that???

Blogger Wicked H said...

Which exit? Sorry, had to do it.

Happy trails.....

Blogger Melissa said...

I get it I get it! And oh, how I love a taylor ham and cheese... you're making me all nostalgic now.

Blogger Paige Jennifer said...

It's not you, it's New Jersey. Personally, I think the better part of the world's woes can be backtracked to the existence of New Jersey.

That being said, I forgive you for not making a Philly stop. I'm just saying.

Blogger Johnny DC said...

New Jersey...
home of the Mafia.

I saw it on Sopranos.

Blogger gorillabuns said...

My husband wanted a 40th birthday party where everyone dresses up a Jersey native. While I think the idea is funny, complete with waxed eyebrows and orange tans, I don't think I can ask our guests to surrender to this request.

Sounds like a fun weekend...I haven't been back to my hometown in a few years either, and I'm not quite ready to go back. :)

Blogger sloaneclearv said...

please tell me you are referring to "new jersey and you, perfect together", as utterd by that governor with the speech impediment! the state motto of our youth? there were commercials? this "pamphlet" is fake, yes? oh, nevermind. but i got it, at least...

Blogger Quasi said...

What's Taylor ham? Do you get to bring your cats?

Blogger Gwen said...

Steve Gutenberg has sex? Great, thanks for the ensuing nightmares, chica.

Blogger Chantel said...

My first trip on the train I took a little bottle of bourbon. I got really drunk trying to drown out the story of the woman across from me who was riding up to continue stalking her ex.

That was before the days of the Ipod unfortunately.

Blogger Snakebite said...

Didn't burn any bridges, did you? ;-)

Blogger bluehairbingo said...

wow....my sister turned me onto this blog today and i have to say...we may be the same person. or sisters....sass sistas.

Blogger Sizzle said...

Good luck ducking and dodging!

;)

(That Steve Guttenberg line? Classic!)

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

Yay for Jersey!

Blogger WildbillthePirate said...

Just remember to STAY OFF THE INTERSTATE!!!

Blogger steve said...

My ex's best friend briefly dated Steve Guttenberg a couple of years ago. I made sure to never let the topic of sex enter conversation when she was around.

Blogger deeeeeetroit said...

New Jersey? Really? Your mother land? Color me shocked. I had always imagined you came upon this planet via a Coach outlet store (in Paramus of course).

And it wasn't the bread you Mom really wants. It's here attempt at setting you up with the head bag boy at register #8.

Blogger Kim said...

What's wrong with Steve Guttenberg?

No, seriously, I'd do him.

Blogger Jorge said...

Man, I had that pamphlet too!

What are the chances?

Blogger Gunfighter said...

New Jersey and you, perfect together. Governor Tom Kean... he of the 9/11 commission.

Did you make an old-times-sake visit to White Castle, Belmar, or SeaSide?

Jersey Boy GF

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