November 6, 2007
Batshit 2.0
I have officially lost it. Recent stressors (Dad was in the ICU. Hi!) have pushed me over the edge. That’s not entirely accurate. Methinks I put on my best running shoes, beat the starting gun, and leapt with all my might right over the border into Batshitdom, as evidenced by a series of eruptive public scenes, including the following.

I was driving behind a car that was not just going cautiously slow, but more dead man walking slow. Apparently making a phone call interferes with the leg functioning of some drivers, particularly the extremity used to press on the gas pedal. I couldn’t move to get around her, and instead was stuck behind the car for multiple meters that seemed more like miles.

Jesus Saves! her bumper sticker read.

I leaned my head out the window. “Jesus Saves!” I yelled. “And Jesus wants you to get off your motherfucking cell phone!”

I still don’t know if I said it out loud.

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27 Comments:

Blogger Mamma said...

Oh kid! You've got miles to go to get to batshit. Don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't think you're capable, it's just that I yell that at folks on a daily basis--in my head at least.

Blogger The Hotfessional said...

ahhahahahahahahaha. I can soooooo hear Mr. Hot saying that. Out.Loud. definitely.

Surely, sweetie, if that's the worst you've done? With Dad in ICU? You deserve a medal. All Shiny Gold. and a bottle of wine.

Blogger Keith said...

Batshit? I thought you were one of my comic book sites...

Anyway, you're not batshit unless you keep inanimate items in the car to throw at the Jesus freaks. Like shoes.

When confronted with an annoyingly slow driver on the phone I simply place my hand on my horn. And leave it there. For a while. So that said phone talker can't hear the other person.

Blogger WildbillthePirate said...

Kris,
They (and by they, I mean the Wonderful gnomes in Hong Kong) sell a Fantastic device for about 100 bucks that I Heartily recommend: a Cell phone Jamer. you plug it into the lighter and when you find yourself in that situation you hit the switch and WAALLAH! the person loses the call and can't make outgoing calls for about 1/4 mile around!
Once the Freak realizes they can't makwe calls, they actually start to drive the car! Look for it!

Blogger Alli said...

If I didn't know you were in DC, I'd think you were in Houston.

Yes, funny how talking on the cell phone affects the function of the legs.

Blogger Paige Jennifer said...

Yeah, um, last week some prissy little twit was bouncing between the lanes in downtown Philly and forced me to do a screeching, ABS-inducing halt to avoid her at a red light. I squeezed up next to her, put down my window and yelled - pick a fucking lane, sweetie.

Yah know what? The dumb bitch, though she wouldn't look at me, pulled forward and backed up within the lines.

It heart warmed my frigid heart.

Blogger Ashley said...

that is just awesome.

and everyone knows that jesus only loves those that drive at least 5 miles over the speed limit.

Blogger Hustleman said...

Sorry to hear about your father.

You're right though. If Jesus were to come back tomorrow, I'm sure he'd add a chapter to the Bible about people who do stupid shit while driving and using their cell phones!

Blogger Keith said...

And lo, did the Son pass by the slow goat driver and thus blessed him with His sainted middle finger.

Blogger Tracy Kaply said...

Oh, dude, that is so far on the outskirts of Batshitdom that it's almost outside the city limits.

I've done far crazier things with far less provocation. And some of mine are just NOT FUNNY, which is worse.

Blogger *~*Cece*~* said...

Sounds like a Monday to me.

Blogger Miss Scarlet said...

I hope you did say it outloud! And I hope the stresses decrease...

Blogger Maliavale said...

I'm sorry to hear about your dad, darlin. Hang in there.

Blogger twobuyfour said...

Jesus would SO understand, I'll bet.

Blogger Chantel said...

I've been in the same boat. I finally took a weekend away from it all and felt way better. Although my friend almost crapped herself when I had an anxiety attack just because my cell phone rang.

P.S. Jesus gets it and he does want her off of her cell phone. I think that's a perfectly sane comment.

Blogger Sizzle said...

i hope to christ you did!

Blogger JordanBaker said...

I really hope you said it outloud.

Blogger ETK said...

That is awesome! Sorry to hear about your dad.

Next time, though, throw in a solid laying on the horn, k?

You rock Kris!

Blogger Lizzy in the Burbs said...

Kris,

You're such a gifted writer! Congrats on the Wash. Post, I'm sure that it's just the beginning for you, you have great things to come!

So sorry about your dad. Went through something similar two years ago with my father, and it just sucks, plain and simple. Scream, honk your horn, cry, do whatever you need to do, you're allowed. I had a *moment* at the grocery store while going through this, saw my dad's favorite candy on a shelf and broke into tears (the ugly kind). Can only imagine what people thought seeing a woman standing in the aisle holding a box of Junior Mints and weeping. Shit happens.

Blogger Gunfighter said...

Thats the beauty of rolling up next to someone doing something stupid, when you are deriving a big honkin', blue & white Crown Victori with the word POLICE all over it.

*Hit the air horn, roll down the window and ask (politely) "Are you alright? Just checking, because if this isn't an emergency, you probably want to turn that thing off and drive... have a nice day!"

Blogger Jorge said...

I would suspect that you did say it out loud, as the silent movie mid-scene dialog cards have long since been retired.

Blogger Jorge said...

I would suspect that you did say it out loud, as the silent movie mid-scene dialog cards have long since been retired.

Blogger t2ed said...

I just hope that slow moving car will the cell-phone talking driver had a Nascar sticker on it.

Jesus told me I needed to kick someone's ass last week. But my dog said it was all just a misunderstanding.

Blogger Zandria said...

That is absolutely hilarious! "Jesus wants you to get off your motherfucking cellphone." I love that. :)

Blogger Keith said...

Now the question is, does Jesus throw a shoe or a sandal while cursing them out?

Blogger Larissa said...

Hey, I've been reading your blog for a while, and wanted to introduce myself. Your blog is a wonderful place to visit :) By the way, I HATE Jesus bumper stickers.

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