October 31, 2007
Oh (my sweet Lord he’s her) Brother
A viewing of “the Great Pumpkin” or “That’s one Big Ass Punkin’” or whatever it is that the kids call it these days is a little different with a glass of wine. And an appreciation for just how odd it is that I enjoyed at 7 years of age a cartoon that employed polysyllabic words that I still have to Google about kids who clearly suffer from a slew of social maladies.

Naturally, I’m struck by just how much like Lucy I really am, making Linus carry the pumpkin from the patch and then stealing it out of his plump hands. And coyly suggesting the kids “bob for apples,” when you know she meant it as dude code. And fooling that dense Charlie Brown by telling him I’ll hold the football steady when he awkwardly comes to punt it. And topping the debacle off with an SAT word no child would know, like “notarized.” The doctor is in, bitches.*

It’s also clear that Snoopy is the only one of the penciled bunch who gets it. He doesn’t feel the need to stick with these losers, instead pursuing some psychedelic combat scene involving the Red Baron while donning a red pashmina. Let the record show that the World War I Flying Ace complete with Nicole Ritchie goggles is oodles cooler than the sheets with holes cut in them. I’d give those kids rocks too if they showed up in those lame JC Penney white sale costumes.

In the most important scheme of things, it’s clear that Linus is the one you try to get a promise ring from even if he does carry that damn blanket. It might come in handy in the back of his Cabrio. If you’ll allow me, I find him to be very George O’Malley, the befuddled and slightly gay man an Americanized Hugh Grant would play in the HBO version. If Linus thinned out he also might have a little Dawson to him, starring in the Schulz High School production of Damn Yankees while still managing to get laid. Yum.

Ugh, and the others. Mr. Brown is just too middle of the road, don’t you think? As an adult, I picture him religiously coming home from his job at the video store to a Tivod Wheel of Fortune and a Klondike bar. I’m pretty sure Schroeder still smells like Water Babies SPF 45 and shops exclusively at Van Heusen outlets. Sally most definitely ends up getting spiral perms well into the ‘00s and traveling statewide to craft fairs. And Pigpen probably runs for city council and does coke off of strippers’ backs. Or maybe just off of Peppermint Pattie’s.

I apologize for that last mental image. Good grief indeed.





* In all seriousness, I just found out that Linus and Lucy are siblings and not completely viable and chirpy love interests. No Pinot Grigio in the world can erase this horror. It’s probably best that I never had a brother.

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18 Comments:

Blogger Heather said...

That. Was. Funny. As. HELL!

LMAO!

Blogger Brett said...

can I just tell you that I really really love your blog? And I think, I really do and not in a stalkerish way at all, that we could be great friends. Though we may come to blows over that last half bottle of Pinot.

Blogger Skyzi said...

I have been waiting for someone to dissect Peanuts. I always found them strangely familiar...and the Linus/ Lucy connection is indeed mind blowing. Why didn't they make that blatently obvious??

This is just like the day that I found out that Shera and Heman were brother and sister and not lovas.

Is it weird that I sexualized the cartoons as a child??

Blogger Ryane said...

hAHAHAHAHAHa. Hilarious...

Blogger Kelly said...

You should write the '35 year reunion' movie of the peanuts!

It would be sad and lonely, but also funny and would highlight how well the rest of us are foing.

Whaddaya say?

And: an early HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you, Kris! May the cake taste sweet and contain ZERO of that bad stuff we try to avoid. If only illogically.

Blogger Genevieve said...

i never understood Peanuts. i think maybe it was my ADD. i could never pay attention. i just remember that really dirty kid & it always grossed me out that he was SO dirty.

Blogger Mamma said...

No, no, no.

Sally is the coke addict/porn star cum Cindy Brady (Susan Olsen) and Schroeder is the distant artist cum Sting.

Sheesh!! Have some more wine will ya?

Blogger Alli said...

That was truly hilarious! Thanks for the laugh.

Blogger gorillabuns said...

i've always had a crush on schroeder.

maybe it's the musician obsession/daddy never loved me enough thing i have going on.

Blogger Ulysses said...

In college, went out to the bars for Halloween as CB (keep your big head jokes to yourself). Not in the sheet with too many holes, but zigzag shirt, shorts, dress shoes,...
At least that night, chicks dug Charles. Never did catch up with that little red-headed girl though...

Blogger Kim said...

You are SO not Lucy. I am Peppermint Patty and you are Marcie. I would appreciate it if you started calling me "Sir".

Blogger twobuyfour said...

Nice post! Personally I think Chuck is the type to eventually get laid in college and profess his endless love to his woman thenceforth. Naturally this would turn off said female. That would put him in the rejection cycle and he'd take his own life with a final AAARGH.

Patty always seemed the most normal to me. She was nuts, but played on a different baseball team from the losers. She had her own friends - cool friends. But she was cool to the losers too. Sure, she was gay. But she was cool. Not as cool as Joe Cool, but still....

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

Dude, Peppermint Pattie is a lesbian.

Blogger Jorge said...

You really need to watch Robot Chicken.

Blogger t2ed said...

I don't think people appreciate how daring Charles Schulz was to make Peppermint Pattie the first fictional lesbian cartoon character.

She and Velma from the Scooby Doo gang now live quite happily in Vermont.

Blogger Lawyer Mama said...

Yes, Peppermint Pattie was definitely a lesbian.

Now pardon me while I go try to erase that Lucy/Linus mental image from my brain with alcohol.

Blogger SkippyMom said...

two words:

FUCKING HILARIOUS!

Blogger Special K said...

I picked up on Peppermint Patty's butch-ness at an early age. And I always knew Marcy was her bitch.
But I also knew that Linus and Lucy were brother and sister.
Their last name was VanPelt. They also had another brother that came later, ReRun (cause he looked exactly like Linus!)
Ok it is sad just HOW much I know about Peanuts.

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