April 3, 2007
Unsolicited Advice #361
Men and boys, when trying to date a woman, never, ever use any variation of the word retarded in your correspondence, particularly retard, but most especially tard, lest she trash you to friends and post about it on her blog.


39 Comments:

Blogger g said...

Great advice. Such insight! :D

Blogger brookem said...

such a simple concept, yet so very important!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Guess that pretty much rules out you ever dating anyone from the Boston metro area...

Blogger Keith said...

Yeah, that would be wicked retarded.

Blogger Bones said...

thanks anonymous, you tard. I just laughed so hard I coughed coffee on my work shirt. But you gotta say it like we say it. Yoah wicked retahded.

Blogger Bones said...

dammit that other guy posted that first. what a ta.. well, what a quayuh.

Blogger mysterygirl! said...

Please forward said correspondence to me immediately for review.

Blogger Itinerant Agonist said...

men us not so smrt times at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJcS_3EpDrs

Blogger Itinerant Agonist said...

men us not so smrt times at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJcS_3EpDrs

Blogger wallofdenial said...

Well I don't guess his chances are good tonight eh?

Blogger Kelly said...

It would be terrible if you were to trash someone like that to your friends or on your blog.

Luckily you don't deal with anyone like that...

Blogger whiskeymarie said...

Lucky I'm not a man.

Hitting on you.

Being that I'm a tard and all.

That would be confusing.
And retarded.

Blogger Wicked H said...

What a re-fucking-tard!!!!

Whew, I feel better now.

Blogger sognatrice said...

Excellent unsolicited advice.

Blogger egan said...

I've added this to my online dating tips too. Thanks for the information.

Blogger Kim-E said...

Does this have anything to do with lmntalattraction's blog about lemongloria?

Anonymous Shirtless Foreigner said...

I am most resolving to never, ever refering to you or your kitties two as retardation again.

Please to forgive soon as my time in this country may run out unless you are marry me soon.

Blogger Sizzle said...

i recently had a boy tell me he was "totally retarded for me" and i actually thought it was cute and endearing.

am i banned from this blog now? (eek!)

Blogger Frankly, Scarlett said...

its even better when they say it in a Boston accent...Re-TA-Did

Blogger Mel said...

Um, does anyone else want more details? Because really, I think this could possibly be the best blog post evah.

Come on, Mama. Don't leave us hanging!

Anonymous Jurgen Nation said...

Why am I just hearing about this right now? Yeah, hi. Are you there, Kris? It's me, Stacy.

Anonymous KB said...

oh, god, absolutely. Could not agree more.

even if it's complete flattery, like, "wow, you're so great, every other woman on the planet is such a tard compared to you..."

...ok, you're right - now that I read it, it's pretty tacky and I don't think I'd consider it a compliment coming from such a retarded guy. :)

Blogger Gwen said...

You are pretty hard core, there, with your man requirements. Next thing we know, you're going to demand, like, a man who doesn't fart in the car on the first date.

(oops! am I allowed to talk about farting around a delicate flower like yourself?)

I'm not even acquainted with any men who know any meaning of the word retarded except for its original, low IQ one: the key, apparently, is to only know very old men.

Blogger anno said...

I dunno. Maybe if he could quote Dylan Thomas, or all your favorite parts from all your favorite movies, or if he could assemble the butcherblock cart that just arrived from Crate & Barrel last week, or move the stars in their courses, or just make a really excellent pasta with gorgonzola cream sauce and serve it with plenty of a luscious Volnay... maybe, just maybe, he might be worth a second chance.

But probably not. Good call.

Blogger Rambler said...

stupid me not getting what this tard was about :(

Blogger Keith said...

I blame my parents for giving birth to me in the general Boston area. Its probably something in the water or the lead paint.

And by the way, properly said its not Queyah (that's more like a New Yawk accent); it's Queeah. We swallow the "r".

Anonymous Jorge said...

Isn't tard sauce what you put on fish & chips?

Blogger Cheryl said...

Hey, I once got "retarted" which is great cause not only did he use the word, he can't even spell the damn thing.

Blogger justjenny said...

I'm actually a huge fan of the word "tard." I guess I know what that makes me...

Blogger Lord Fondleberries said...

not even fucktard? i'm crushed.

huggin the fucktarded kitties,

lord f

Blogger that girl said...

maybe you need to create some sort of pdf of these....that way we can easily send them out in the first email.

oh wait. men don't really read.


darn.

Blogger Bill said...

Are these the same boneheads who don't keep tea in the house? I'd say lobotomize them but that seems rather redundant.

How is it such people get close enough to even essay a request for a date? What kind of company are you keeping?

Blogger Lisa said...

Please tell me it was a boy, and not a man, who did this. It's still inane, but at least less surprising.

Anonymous zandria said...

That is most certainly not acceptable behavior. :)

Blogger Danielle said...

so true. oh so true.

Blogger A Unique Alias said...

I admit that I'm a frequent user of the term "retarded." Frankly, I love the word. I think it's perfect for scads and scads of uses. I instruct bartenders, "please give me an adult beverage that retarded by water." I frequently use the term in ad hominem attacks. I love retarded.

Granted, if I were trying to date a woman, I would ease 'retarded' in gradually.

Blogger A Unique Alias said...

Should've read: " . . . that isn't retarded by water."
Because honestly, who wants a retarded cocktail?

Blogger "G" said...

Wait, what about self deprecating tardlocution, like being asked to select an after dinner liqueur from a list of imported Ports, of which you know nothing, and saying, honestly, "Sorry, love, but I fear that I am port-tarded. Would you?" Or being asked which chick flick you are most likely to cry in and, bleary eyed and worn out from a three-day gore-fest at a local indy cinemateque, you reply "Pray tell, fair lass, would you be so kind as to simply choose one of your liking as I am chick-flick-tarded. There's a girl, right?"

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