Dating ratings

I’ve spent a good bit of time spending money lately. Clothes, books, cat toys, a little wine. Online shopping has become my friend, mostly due to the convenience of sitting on my ass while computing and the help a sister out rating system so many of these sites now use. And then it hit me: what would stop us, single women of the world, from implementing a similar system for dating?

Just like on Match.com and the Dateline to Catch a Predator Registry, each man/boy would have his own page. To lure sweet young things like myself, he would post information about the sports he played (in high school) and exotic places he'd traveled to (online) to his little heart’s content. The catch? In my system, ex-girlfriends, female friends, mothers, scorned lovers, Eagle scouts and prostitutes from the 7-11 on 15th Street would leave testimonials for all to see. Like a Rotten Tomatoes for men.

For the basic and most important categories, like sexual and backrubbing and house cleaning prowess, I'd use a 1-100 rating scale on the following dimensions:

Originality,
Technique,
Function/working parts,
Capacity to adhere to clear and repeated instructions from wise woman,
Ability to execute said prowess while wise woman sleeps, and
Visual appeal and/or flavor.

I’m thinking we should use a more structured scale for the following types of statements:

Frequency with which he spouts really tired and out-of-date movie quotes.
Incidence of failing to stick up for girlfriend in spats with his family.
Regularity of standing women up for established dates with lame excuses about graduate school papers, hair shampooing, or emergency calls from baby’s mamas.

You know, a scale like:

Never does this, bring him home to Mom,
Sometimes, but at least he doesn't need to shave his back,
Neutered,
Frequently, or maybe lesbianism really can sometimes be a choice,
and Always, or yet one more sign that you’ll likely die alone.

No site of its kind would be complete without an open-ended section for the classic free-for-all respondent frenzy, which I’m picturing for any given male might look something like this:

Way to break my heart, Dom. Girls, I spent five long years with this man, paying for his tanning and his muscle tees, picking up the tab for the Bud pitchers at the dog races. And what does he do? He hooks up on my couch with my B Fri while I'm down the shore for the weekend. And just in case your mom is reading this - Mrs. Denunzio, we totally did it in the VFW bathroom at your 65th birthday! BOO-YAH!

NEXT.

Just like the advent of the dishwasher and the pool boy who also shaves your legs, I’m thinking this will free up a lot of wasted time, ladies. You know, hours you could spend on my ratings site griping about your exes.