April 12, 2007
Dating ratings
I’ve spent a good bit of time spending money lately. Clothes, books, cat toys, a little wine. Online shopping has become my friend, mostly due to the convenience of sitting on my ass while computing and the help a sister out rating system so many of these sites now use. And then it hit me: what would stop us, single women of the world, from implementing a similar system for dating?

Just like on Match.com and the Dateline to Catch a Predator Registry, each man/boy would have his own page. To lure sweet young things like myself, he would post information about the sports he played (in high school) and exotic places he'd traveled to (online) to his little heart’s content. The catch? In my system, ex-girlfriends, female friends, mothers, scorned lovers, Eagle scouts and prostitutes from the 7-11 on 15th Street would leave testimonials for all to see. Like a Rotten Tomatoes for men.

For the basic and most important categories, like sexual and backrubbing and house cleaning prowess, I'd use a 1-100 rating scale on the following dimensions:

Originality,
Technique,
Function/working parts,
Capacity to adhere to clear and repeated instructions from wise woman,
Ability to execute said prowess while wise woman sleeps, and
Visual appeal and/or flavor.
I’m thinking we should use a more structured scale for the following types of statements:

Frequency with which he spouts really tired and out-of-date movie quotes.
Incidence of failing to stick up for girlfriend in spats with his family.
Regularity of standing women up for established dates with lame excuses about graduate school papers, hair shampooing, or emergency calls from baby’s mamas.

You know, a scale like:

Never does this, bring him home to Mom,
Sometimes, but at least he doesn't need to shave his back,
Neutered,
Frequently, or maybe lesbianism really can sometimes be a choice,
and Always, or yet one more sign that you’ll likely die alone.
No site of its kind would be complete without an open-ended section for the classic free-for-all respondent frenzy, which I’m picturing for any given male might look something like this:

Way to break my heart, Dom. Girls, I spent five long years with this man, paying for his tanning and his muscle tees, picking up the tab for the Bud pitchers at the dog races. And what does he do? He hooks up on my couch with my B Fri while I'm down the shore for the weekend. And just in case your mom is reading this - Mrs. Denunzio, we totally did it in the VFW bathroom at your 65th birthday! BOO-YAH!
NEXT.

Just like the advent of the dishwasher and the pool boy who also shaves your legs, I’m thinking this will free up a lot of wasted time, ladies. You know, hours you could spend on my ratings site griping about your exes.


25 Comments:

Blogger lisa q. said...

OMG! i frickin' love it...thought about posting a couple of loser's pics on my blog site a couple of weeks ago after the dates from hell weekend, but i like your idea soooooo much better! you go girl...

Blogger egan said...

I say this is a great idea as long as the social security numbers and home phone numbers of all the "rejects" can be shared. Who needs a code of conduct if we can just prank call loser guys?

Blogger mysterygirl! said...

I can only imagine the things that would be said about me on the women's site, though... could be dangerous...

Anonymous Jurgen Nation said...

Awesome.

They do have something similar - dontdatehimgirl.com. Or if it's not that, google "don't date him girl." SO. AWESOME. I've thought about posting my own trainwrecks there.

Anonymous Jorge said...

I swear to god, I will implement this system for you in glorious html 1.0.

JUST FOR YOU, SWEETS!

Jorge

PS: The ladies both say hi.

Blogger JoJo said...

I totally would participate!

Blogger Melissavina said...

Yes. Brilliant idea.
But what about the crazies? You know, the slightly off exes who do midnight drive by spying and do a white-glove inspection of said ex boyfriend's mailbox while he's at work...

Nah, nevermind. Let them have their moment to speak up. It would increase the interest level tenfold.

Blogger Brookelina said...

I just love that you said "while I'm down the shore for the weekend." I'm probably the only one who really appreciated that bit.

Blogger kris said...

Oh sweet girl, as much as it might scare you, it was you I was thinking of when I wrote that phrase. Lock your doors.

Anonymous KB said...

LOVE IT!!! You are so brilliant. <3

Anonymous girl and dog said...

I've heard some cheesy ad on the radio for a similar service, you know the type with the really bad voice actors talking about how they went online and dissed their dates?

But your rating system is PRICELESS!!

Blogger Keith said...

HEY!! What's wrong with shaved backs?

Blogger H said...

this is the best idea. i especially love the "open-ended section for the classic free-for-all respondent frenzy." that will definitely be the most important. there is always so much to share/warn about. i feel like this could suck up all the time i have that isn't used up already for blog-reading....

Blogger LJ said...

Great idea... sure, you'd get the random teed off ex, but it would be worth it for you to choose who to listen to and who not to.

Now I'm really curious about "don't date him girl". Off to Google.

Blogger Beakerz said...

so when are you going to build the system and put it up on a site?

I'd be interested in seeing this. LOL

Blogger t2ed said...

Won't people "self-nominate" in an effort to get their scores up? Like when an author writes their own review on Amazon.

I'd suggest a simple system wherein people have to get a license before they're allowed to have sex. Which should make those long waits at the DMV even more annoying.

Absolutely brilliant! As long as we could curb the chance of their being a recipricol (sp?) one!

Blogger Gwen said...

I love shopping on line mostly because I lovelovelove getting packages. So, I'm all for your new site, as long as the highest rated boys will be delivered to my doorstep by a man in brown.

Blogger Hey Pretty said...

At my most bitter, I have been tempted to write blog posts saying "This guy sucks, don't bother" but I always decide better of it.

Your idea sounds like a fine alternative. Well done. I like.

Perfect!!!!! lol

Blogger Matt said...

Incidence of failing to stick up for girlfriend in spats with his family.

Oh, that's a damn good point. But I had a girlfriend in college who took it one step further. I was expected to stick up for her when she made HER parents miserable.

I wish I could just go back in time and avoid all women wearing Birckenstocks and listening to Ani DeFranco--though I did enjoy the Tori Amos concert.

Blogger Dan said...

well, i had thought of something like this myself, which is why i created relationslip.com. others have created similar sites, and there is even one that i forget the name of where women recommend other men.

Blogger dcsavvystar said...

This is hilarious! What a great idea!

Blogger Bridget Jones said...

sign.me.up!!!

Anonymous Elle said...

Gaaaaaaaaah, this would be helpful. Luckily, my friend and I are on the same dating site, and we compare notes on phone calls/e-mails/dates. I've saved her time and energy on more than one occasion.

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