January 22, 2007
Unsolicited Advice
Because I wanted to.

I’ve read lately that the Gap has lost its footing in the just-missed-J. Crew market. Am I the only one who’s not shocked? Last I went to Gap, the quality of both the clothing and the perfume was on par with the intentionally less expensive, big-glasses-wearing Old Navy, and the staff seemed more interested in using their newfangled breaker breaker 1-9 headgear than in picking up the unusually wrinkled and miniature tees strewn about the place. Mr. Gap, even in college, one does desire more than washed out hoodies and 14 different cuts of the same color khakis. Just a thought.

DC, buy some plows and let’s get on with this. Love, your Jersey girl, who knows only 36+ inches really warrant a late opening.

To my local corner store guy: Why, for the love, why not organize the goods? Why just open the freezer and throw the shipments inside, whether vegetarian burrito or Lean Cuisine meatloaf or canned green beans? And sweet Jebus, for what reason did I have to wake you up from a counterside deep sleep? All that product separation wearing you out?

Paula Abdul: Xanax, baby girl. Even the cheap stuff will do.

Hi, check card, next time could you be doll and show your little blue face before mama calls to cancel you? Although I really enjoyed that little game of hide and seek we played under the car seat, next time it would be awesome to find you before I drink the rest of the good wine.

ABC, fire his ass. If any one of us had said that crap 1) at the weekly staff meeting and 2) again ON A LIVE MIC AT THE COMPANY HOLIDAY PARTY you know our asses would have been canned. And why is this different?

To Obama and Clinton: it’s time to suck it up and pair off. I had to do it with Scott Asker for 4th grade badminton and now it’s your time. You fight it? Say hello to President McCain.

John Mayer, leave the blogging and Grey’s Anatomy calls to us me. In the will of life, we got the computer and you the Jessica Simpson.

It’s just not a sofa a single woman should buy.

And Tallahassee, you know, being the capital of Florida and all, I was just thinking we could get us some more meaty news. Please don’t let this hunter have been a Bowden.

And finally, get. some. perspective.

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32 Comments:

Blogger Miss Scarlet said...

I'd like to sign onto that letter to the GAP. I need jeans and they used to be so good to me, but lately I just haven't been feeling it.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'll sign that letter to the Gap, too. And have you seen what "they" want us to wear for spring? Puffy sleeves and ruffles! Do you know how much puffy sleeves and ruffles make me look like a female impersonator? Do you?

I'm going back to bed until summer.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Paula Abdul makes me nervous. I don't know if it's the pills or the nerve disorder, but whatever it is, she needs to take a deep breath. Sheesh.

Blogger Ar-Jew-Tino said...

My check card once went on a field trip to my other coat pocket. It resurfaced mere minutes AFTER I had gone into the bank to cancel him. One second, one minute, one week: doesn't matter once you cancel that little fucker.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Gap? Problem numero uno - Bringing on board a guy from Disney to head up the entire company. Um, didn't all of the Disney stores fold faster than you can say Mickey? Problem nemero dos - Hiring a design team that led the company astray into the world of no niche market. How many pairs of skinny jeans does one gal need?

Greys? I don't watch this show but that guy deserves nothing less than a big old pink slip, preferably cut in the shape of a triangle.

Clinton and Obama? At least the primaries should be interesting. I'm banking on interesting because otherwise it could be another dem debacle.

Anonymous Kelly said...

Induced so her man could watch a football game?

I'm sorry. What!?

Anonymous gorillabuns said...

i'd say, if i had to get fat, stretch marks and have a bowling ball shoot out my china, the least you could do is dvr/tape the GD game.

but then again, i'm not a team player.

Anonymous Jorge said...

Florida has a capital?

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Stupid Gap! And just when I can wear their clothes, again.

Blogger Cheryl said...

I couldn't have said most of that better myself. Although I am not sure that Paula Abdul needs any more drugs so much as rehab of some kind.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Funny...I just wrote about Obama and Clinton on my blog.

Blogger missbhavens said...

Agreed, agreed and agreed on all counts. Sometimes I think you possess the piece of my brain that I'm sure that I'm missing. The part that could have made that last sentence more grammatically agreeable.

I fear that Obama vs. Clinton will implode in a democrisaster. We are in a tough spot with those two: She's got the best chance but she is so reviled by Republicans (and others) that any change she attempts would be thwarted viciously and nothing will get accomplished. He's the better choice (in my opinion) but he's so politically green that I think it will scare people off.

As a brown woman, though, having a brown man and a tough woman getting all politically powerful makes my heart sing. Loudly.

...and awwwww! That little birth induction story was so cute! "The Perfect Wife"! It was so sweet of her to increase the chances of having something (anything) go wrong with her delivery by inducing! And so her honey could watch football!

Me love America!

(that disgusting biotch)

Anonymous Alison said...

Can I come over and drink some wine with you?

Blogger Marissa said...

what the hell is up with paula?! Seriously, though. I can't watch anymore...

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Totally agree about Isaiah Washington.

The GAP really does suck recently.

That is the ugliest couch ever.

We should hang out this weekend! :)

Blogger Wanderlusting said...

I agree with all of the above...except the DC getting snow plows bit since I've never been there. But didn't I just hear that blossoms have already been sprouting in the city?

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

Now this was just good, clean fun.

Blogger JordanBaker said...

Gap is so schizophrenic lately. Its summer line was a festival of madras delight, but it's winter stuff all looks like someone slept in it. Ick.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You rode Metrobus? Alone? That took guts, woman. Real guts. Or a whole lotta crazy.

Blogger Kris said...

I knew you'd appreciate that one, Melly Mel.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

What?! You don't think the STORM WATCH 2007!!!! was warranted? I ran right out and stocked up on bread, milk, and toilet paper.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

What would be wrong with having a president who has more experience in national politics and legislation than Obama and Hilary combined and who has actually served in the military and isnt afraid to voice opinions that dont necessarily go right along with the party of his affiliation?

sincerely,
Senator Mccain

Anonymous Jurgen Nation said...

I'm with you on Fire Watch (not firecrotch). Isaiah Washington is impossible to look at on GA without sneering. I just started watching this season so I'm not sure what is wrong with his character or why he is in the hospital (chronic ass face?), but I hope it's something he can die from.

Blogger Sizzle said...

i will never understand loving football (or your husband, for that matter) that much.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Canada doesn't have your fancy J. Crew. And now that I'm all grown up and mobile and wealthy and able to cross-border shop at my slightest whim, I find that I can't wear any of that shit anyways. Too. Damn. Old. I keep think that if Joey Potter can get away with it, so can I. However: can't.

Blogger kimmay said...

kris, killearn animal hospital is where i used to take your good friends (e.g., zoe). they are a great group! i am glad helped get the duck on the road to recovery.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sure it's all fun and games. Until a zombie duck tries to eat your brains.

Blogger Kim said...

Everything I own is from the Gap.

No really.

Now what am I going to wear on Saturday?

Blogger Hey Pretty said...

There's nothing to buy at the Gap these days. I was there yesterday in search of a nice, plain cotton sweater and found nothing but cotton tee shirts. Big let down that trip was.

Anonymous Maliavale said...

That's just not a sofa anyone should buy. Ever.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Gap lost me when they ceased to sell pants that cover by butt. Butt cleavage is not an option for people with jobs.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

erm, that's "my butt", not "by butt".

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