October 4, 2006
My Role on the Bachelor
I would SO be the one who would get out of the limo, first make sure my boobs were in my dress (I got it at Ross!) and only next change out of my Keds into some heels the producers picked out for me.

I would NOT pull my lower eyelids down to scrape black eyeliner on them.

I would probably have roots, and would pick my thong wedgie in the hall out of camera sight.

I'd freeze some competitor bras in the villa icebox. Oh, and I'd actually wear a bra. Even 23-year-old breasts aren't what they used to be, Ms. Mansfield.

I would sabotage any woman 1) named Desiree or 2) who didn't know enough not to get tanked on bubbly on opening night.

I'd capitalize on the fact that the Bachelor went to school close to my NJ hometown for a year. "I screwed a guy from your school!" I'd tell him. "Did you know Brian Lyons?"


I would not use the words "jealous" or "genitals" or "my extensions" no matter how much ABC paid me. However, "Your inheritance" and "drink, sucka!" are fair game.

I might invite him to IHop and/or Taco Bell during the Get to Know Ya Sessions.

If I didn't get a rose, I would have the limo drive me to town for 1) tequila, and 2) a little man who would most definitely know where to buy me a pink carnation.

I can't decide if I'd run or make out with the Bachelor if he said marriage would "suck" if you didn't get along 20 years into your marriage. I'd probably run. In my Keds. Back to Taco Bell.



Blogger Kiki said...

OH oh oh yeah! I almost never find a new good blog to read, but I just found yours!!!


Blogger Kelley said...

Oh, lord. I haven't seen the latest incarnation of "The Bachelor" yet; I think I'm still recovering from "Flavor of Love".

It blows my mind that they can still get anyone to audition for those things. I guess it's kind of the same principle behind Bug Zappers?

Blogger d. said...

your version would be good television!

Blogger Kiki said...

First, oh wow! Another Kiki!

Second, a man who wouldn't enjoy some one on one time at Taco Bell isn't really the man for me. Bring on the gorditas!

Anonymous gorillabuns said...

i would also ask if i could get some free loot from the family makeup line.

and yes, "hon," 23rd year olds still need to wear bras. case in point, this chick needs an underwire.

Blogger JoJo said...

Hee. Kris, the bachelor wouldn't deserve someone as awesome as you.

Anonymous Brian Lyons said...

Hey, Kris--long time, no speak.

Soooooo, be honest: You were my first--how was I, really??

ps. Could you return my Culture Club album at the 20th reunion this year?? Thanks.

Blogger Evil Genius said...

If I couldn't parade around in flip flops and my Joe Bananas boxers and t-shirts I'd be clueless. What? I'm supposed to be a sophisticated lady and put my hair up and have manicures and talk about all the old family money?

F**k that!! You'll see me at Taco Bell too!!

Blogger TV Addict said...

I would say - Dude, this is the first time I have ever flown coach, you better like my tiara, cause we have so much in common.

Blogger Cheryl said...

Now that I would watch.

Blogger Kate said...

Kris, Kris, Kris.

Now you are a bachelorette I could watch. Hopefully without spilling my gordita or my cinnamon twists all over myself.


Blogger Margaret said...

If I didn't get a rose, I'd punch the Bachelor in the nuts.

Anonymous Jorge said...

Taco Bell?

Like Chocolate and vanilla, baby.

If I was the bachelor I would catapult the rest to the moon becuase you are the best!

So would Mrs. J.



PS: Less than 1 month! W00T!

Blogger Kelly said...

I just read a brief note in a paper about how the bachelor's ex-classmates think he's a tool.

Some of the "contenstants" are somethin' else. Like the one whose title is "Socialite"? Wow, what a great career... Wonder what she had to take in school to become one?

Blogger Namaste said...

oh hell yes. run, don't walk.

Anonymous Jorge said...

Kelly: She had to take drugs.

Lots of drugs.

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