December 2, 2005
Scrooge
First off, thanks to you for your thoughtful wishes. I know it’s hard to know what to say at times like these, but your printed comments have come through beautifully.

In other news, I know it’s been said before, but I’m going to say it again if you’ll listen. Christmas has gotten the freak out of hand. The beau and I discussed it via cell the other morning.

“I’m sick of Christmas music already. What gives them the right to play it even before December 1st?”

“I don’t even notice it,” he said.

“I can’t take it.”

He uh-huhed.

I continued, “what if I decided to play ‘Happy Birthday to me’ in various ways for a month leading up to my birthday? That’s essentially what’s happening. Jesus is milking it.”

He ignored me. Appropriately.

I saw a posse captivated by a singing Santa at the CVS. I haven’t seen that kind of response since the barbershop bass made its debut next to the blaze orange vest at Walmart. Damn I hate kitsch. Give the three dollars you paid for that plastic bomb to a six year old without jeans.

Even Hallmark turned the Aspartame to 11 this year. Their most recent commercial shows plump cherubs gathered around the tree, dumbfounded by a shadow snowflake on the ceiling brought to them courtesy of a plastic $1.99 (with three card purchase) tree topper. I’m pretty sure Rhett Butler was in the background brewing up some Folgers Crystals for Oklahoma GIs.

Next up: Tara Reid and E! take you to Jerusalem.

In other religious news, I’m pretty sure Pope John Paul II would be psyched to hear they’ve made an ABC movie out of his life. Myrrh.


50 Comments:

Blogger t2ed said...

It's not the music, it's the bellringers. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. In front of every store and the post office in our town. Quit ringing that freakin' bell already!

Blogger Megarita said...

Your wrath is truly glorious to behold. The Rhett Butler comment I wanted to cut and paste into my blog and take credit for it. (The old FOlgers commercial when the kid comes home early from college and makes coffee for everyone to wake them up came on last night -- I nearly threw my wine glass. I hate that ad. It makes me scroogery.)

Blogger JJ said...

Next on Fox: the WWE has its special Christmas Smackdown!

I know exactly what you mean. At least in DC you'll have some cold weather and possibly (but highly unlikely) snow, to remind of you of the season. Not that I envy you that. I'd rather celebrate the holidays in shorts and sandals, honestly.

What we need is some sort of underground that kidnaps department store Santas and with the promise to return them unharmed only if the store promises not to play Sliver Bells until December 20th.

Blogger Candace said...

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Blogger amamgets said...

The first Christmas commercial I saw this year was on November 1. My best friend's kids received their gifts from her brother shortly thereafter; the Christmas card from the same ocd family arrived the day after the presents.

Her thank you note was on a Happy Easter card.

So the other thing that irks me is on the 26th, which is traditionally the second day of Christmas and when the carols are supposed to be playing, it's all about buying jewelry for Valentine's.

Blogger Candace said...

I don't mind *real* kitsch. It's the garden variety, Top 40, bought-it-at-Old Navy kitsch that makes me want to kill people.

And the music? Yeah, it needs to stop before Dec. 1.

As do the decorations in the stores.

Blogger Wicked H said...

OY. VEY. MARIA.


Were we separated at birth?

Blogger Kim said...

I can't hang out with you all month. You'd probably kill me. If I ain't singing Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire, I'm humming it.

Blogger Sizzle said...

they will make a tv movie out of anything, i swear!

i would totally watch it if it had Rhett Butler in it though.

;) sizz

Blogger Anisa said...

yeah, they started it WAY TOO EARLY! now it's dec. 2 and commercials are saying "come to our store for you LAST MINUTE christmas shopping!"

WTF?

Blogger NARDAC said...

Oh, you mean you missed the JPII hip-hopera that came out in the summer?

"Don't shoot me,
I'm for Mary,
Not for condoms,
They're scary!"

I'm waiting for "The Young PJPII Chronicles" and the ABC after school special!

"John, dude, she's SO hot for you!"

"Yessa, but Eye-a haf pled-ged my life-a to Christ-ah"

"Dude, you're always bringing me down. Pass the schnapps"

Blogger Egan said...

Be thankful you didn't get a voicemail on your home phone from the local Christian music station. We got one saying something like "happy holidays? what happened to Merry Christmas? This is Chris with Spirit 105 and we want to wish you a Merry Christmas. We will be playing Christmas music from now until eternity so tune in you heathens." Some of this may be a slight exaggeration, but they did call. I politely returned their call as voiced my displeasure. Happy Holidays y'all.

Blogger DC Cookie said...

Worse yet, the poor people who have to work in retail and listen to the same 4 holiday CDs in rotation 10 hours a day for a month. They probably require group therapy by December 26th.

Blogger Heather B. said...

will there be singing in this little JPII biopic? I like singing? Whomever suggested 'hip hopera' was right on the money. Now I'm thinking of something that rhymes with 'Poland'.

Blogger Debby said...

I'M HEADING OUT RIGHT NOW TO KILL ME SOME ELVES!!!! MWWAAAHHHHH

You would think they would have the decency to wait until at least the 15th of the month at least to start badgering us with all that bull.

Blogger Jürgen Nation said...

AAHAH! Have you seen the other Hallmark commercial with that singing snowman at the piano? Yeahhhhh...like everyone's going to gather for the holiday and LOVE EACH OTHER SO MUCH that they'll smile and sit around some fucking Elton John snowman.

And will you stand up in my wedding party?

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...
Blogger Amanda said...

oh man, you said it. did you see the commercial for the new hallmark keepsake ornament? a tiny plastic record player that plays holiday songs. the mom hangs it on the tree and the son (who supposedly has never seen a record before) says, "i thought record players were bigger." wretch! what kind of crap is this?!

Blogger mamalujo1 said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Blogger mamalujo1 said...

I'm sorry Kris, I couldn't let that stay. I'm not that weird. Almost.

Blogger Jeff said...

So glad to hear that awful music drives the gentiles crazy too. To me every lyric is "hey jerk, wouldn't you like to buy something for everyone you know?". Over and over and over.

I have begun carrying my mp3 player with me everywhere, to fend off this unwelcome assault on my ears.

I thought about bringing a boombox to the mall and blasting "Dreidel Driedel Driedel" until all the merry shoppers start trying to stab me in the heart. Then they would understand.

Blogger JordanBaker said...

There's also a CBS Pope movie, with Jon Voight as the Pope and Cary Elwes as the long Pope. WaPo says that one's better. I say "mmmmm. Cary Elwes."

Blogger KlevaBich said...

And how your heart must swell with joy when they play these stupid-ass commercials, knowing that your former coworkers are out scraping up lumps of coal for their children's stockings. Why do these #&$%@ assholes always lay people off just before the holidays? Are they the spawn of Satan or what?

Ah, the Holy Retail Season. There's no better time of year to be a full-fledged wino in my book.

Blogger JordanBaker said...

And by "long Pope" I actually meant "young Pope."

Wow. How's that for hiking up my skirt to show all of y'all my Freudian slip?

Blogger Cheryl said...

ABC aren't the only ones either. I think NBC has one too!

I hear you on the overdone Christmas. Enough already!

Blogger Brookelina said...

Did you happen to watch Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer on tv the other night? Maybe I just never noticed this before, but that is the worst piece of crap I have ever seen. The people that made that must have been on serious hallucinogenics.

Merry fucking Christmas.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I must disagree with Brooke, as Rudolph is the best Christmas special EVER.

Kris, John Paul II was a Fox guy.

I like a nice, old fashioned Christmas. I invite myself over to an unsuspecting neighbor's apartment and give them sound, wise advice. I also bring coffee cake and a fifth of bourbon.

Blogger Marissa said...

I hear you!!!! Okay not only that, but they started playing xmas music BEFORE Thanksgiving this year. That is just not okay. Poor Thanksgiving, how is that supposed to make the turkeys feel?!

Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

“I’m sick of Christmas music already. What gives them the right to play it even before December 1st?”

Agreed. Drives me up the wall. I feel for the folks who have to work at those stores.

Blogger Bridget Jones said...

I'm with ZS. Enough already.

Blogger babyjewels said...

Is your way of saying you're not coming over tonight to thread popcorn garland? You cut me, Kris. You cut me deep.

Blogger mrsmogul said...

Fortunately I haven't heard much Xmas music yet. It's so tacky! Like when you hear Xmas musak at the supermarket but subliminally there's a hidden recorded message in the songs that say, "BUY TINSEL! ORNAMENTS! CARDS! SPEND!"

I completely love Christmas, but I've learned over the years that I must ignore/tune-out all of the premature celebrating. That is, anything that is Christmassy pre-Dec 1. It's just not right.

Blogger angelatee said...

I was called a grinch at work because I refused to let co-workers listen to the all-Christmas music station.

It wasn't even November. It's insanity plain and simple.

Halloween and St. Patrick's Day are my favorite holidays, but I really do like Christmas. I just can't handle 5 weeks of it.

Blogger Teri said...

Gotcha...My friend and I heard "Feliz Navidad" being played on the radio on the day...yes the day...after Halloween. November 1st, not even Thanksgiving yet. This depressed my friend and I so much that we planned an impromtu girl's trip to Vegas. When got into the cab at the airport to go to the hotel, guess what was playing on the radio?

Ciao for now..."from the bottom of my hearrrttt."

P.S. If anyone starts humming this song now, it's not my fault!

Teri
www.herestohappywomen.blogspot.com

Blogger Kristen said...

Is this a bad time to mention that I haven't even heard any Christmas music yet and I was wondering when it was going to start?

Should I just dodge the punch about now?

Blogger Slade said...

said a little prayer for you and your fellow co-workers...

I have to admit--I love Christmas music and have been listening to it for a month now already! I know, I'm psycho

Blogger Jessica said...

Ack! Make the happy Christmas-y sounds stop!

Blogger Danielle said...

It's especially rough for Jews like me, who always wanted to celebrate Christmas, but never were allowed.

Although I love Christmas, I agree that the commerialism surrounding it has gotten totally out of control. I'd rather them play Christmas music starting Dec. 1st and Hallmark shouldn't be allowed to put out their damned ornaments until after Thanksgiving. I mean seriously... they put them out in freaking July for Pete's sake.

Oh, and anyone that hates Rudolph is a total misfit.

Blogger NewYorkMoments said...

The xmas stuff is totally out of control! They've been playing xmas music in the stores in NYC since the day after Halloween!

Blogger LBseahag said...

I feek your pain...especially when it is the 'nsync christmas album...

Blogger Bookhart said...

And I thought I was the only one who has had it up to here with Christmas.

Kiddos aside, I would just assume give nothing and receive nothing.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm going to get you an AK-47 for Christmas.
It will not shoot bullets, but paintballs.
Glowing paintballs.

That will make you happy.

Jorge

Blogger Bridget Jones said...

YOu may be pleased to know that I spent at least an hour and an obscene amount of money buying all the non-traditional, snarky, funny Christmas CDs I could get my hands on, including 3 reggae ones.

They started here right after Halloween. B.A.R.F.

I don't know which is worse, the dumb music, or the PC element that won't refer to CHRISTMAS (heh heh heh there I said it) along with all the other PC-accepted stuff. As Adrian says, FIFO!

oops there I go ranting. Sorry.

Bridg

Blogger awe_schitt said...

Silly and funny.

Blogger Weary Hag said...

You are such a hoot.

I will admit I like the Christmas schmooze, but not until about three days before the actual holiday. Till then, I just hibernate and crank my blues and classic rock at home. I'll sing Silent Night when I'm darned good and ready and not a moment before.

Oh, and I was going to send you one of The Boy's Christmas cards. Better not.

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