September 16, 2005
Commence purge
Sweet Britney, I am so full of bad thoughts. They haunt me all week and I stuff them down, sit on them, and go to great lengths to ensure that they don’t bubble up into actual statements. Why is it so difficult to say what you’ve always wanted to say? Those things you’d say behind their backs? In this week alone, I have filled my social vat to the brim with un-niceties that, immediately upon you reading them, will be cryogenically preserved for possible later use.

FOR THE LOVE, quit griping! You complain incessantly and I simply cannot stand to listen to it anymore! Get a muzzle, get over it, or make a change for yourself, drama queen.

No, I don’t think he really likes you. And after your three weeks is up, you probably won’t ever see him again.


Hot damn that feels good. Now wouldn’t it be freeing to just get it all out on the table? To be a no-holds-barred communicator?

I won’t bother you with a really lame excuse; I just don’t want to hang out with you tonight.

No, I’m sorry, but that baby with the red face and shrunken head just really isn’t cute.


To go to bed with no baggage because you spoke the truth.

No, no. Stop right now. You told me that story last week.

Would you mind not coming with us?


To hell with the niceties.

You’re right, your hair did look better longer. And blonde. And thick.

You’re pronouncing that word incorrectly. No, really. You are.


Ohhh, yes. It’s like catnip for the soul.

I think your perception is right on target. Not a person at that table thought your idea was a good one.

Honestly, I didn’t even hear what you just said. I smiled and laughed like I did, but I have no earthly idea what you were talking about.


It’s like an Herbal Essences commercial!

I think your cologne might kill me or at the very least cause my ovaries to wilt.

Let’s not pretend that we’ll be getting together for dinner. You and I both know I’ll avoid your calls until they stop.


Now doesn’t that feel better? Unite! and let’s say it like it is. You know, when no one is around to hear it.

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46 Comments:

Blogger Mel said...

Wow. "You're saying what we are all thinking!"

We all have at least ONE friend that we want to say all these things to. That one friend that seems to get under our skin every minute of the day, but we remain friends because they have good connections and/or throw the best parties and/or give the best presents.

Admit it, you know I'm right.

God damn, we are selfish assholes!

Blogger ginger said...

The cologne - oh, the cologne! Such is my life teaching high school.

Blogger Meg said...
Blogger Megarita said...

Hahahaha "catnip for the soul" and "wilting ovaries" are true keepers.

Good for you getting this out -- can't let beasties like this out into the wild!

Blogger kitkat said...

I think statements like these are the reason my blog even exists. You have to get this stuff out somehow or else you will really will say it to their faces.

Blogger t2ed said...

At least you only say it in your head. Some of us say them out loud.

"I wouldn't wait in a line this long for a blow job."

"And you must have a really big bone in your ass."

"That never happened."

Blogger Jürgen Nation said...

"Could you please take a shower, because your BO is singeing my nosehairs."

"YES, YOU LOOK FAT IN THAT OUTFIT."

"Sweet Jesus, woman. What kind of lighting were you in when you bought that makeup? Do you not see the line on your jaw?"

I go through yours and these almost every day.

Blogger A Unique Alias said...

hahahah! Nice. But please, say this one out loud for real:

"Stop right now. You told me that story last week."

I have an absolutely spotty memory and there are times when I'll tell the same damned story like four times to the same person. Just tell me you've heard it!!

Blogger hillary said...

is it bad that I've said at least five of those to other people? Especially the "drama queen" one.

Blogger Robin said...

Doesn't it feel wonderful to get that off your chest??

Blogger Kris said...

yes, YES! I am not alone in these awful thoughts! Bring it, people, BRING IT!

Blogger MKD said...

I think you might be my soul mate. Wouldn't it be great to just have one day that you could all just say what you think with no ill consequences? Of course, I like to do a little of that everyday. You know, to spread it out.

Blogger Dave said...

Hmm...

To people who ride their bikes on the road: "I recognize you have the legal right to do what you're doing, but if I accidently side-swipe you with my car, I'm not going to feel bad about it."

To ladies in front of me at any store who wait until they're actually at the counter to begin the five minute archeological purse dig for a wallet: "Is this your first day using a purse, or perhaps your first time using currency for the exchange of goods? I'm willing to bet that NO, IT'S NOT!"

Wait...you mean you guys DON'T do that?

Hm....no wonder everybody thinks I'm a jerk.

You really should try it at least once. IT'S FUN!!

People told me all these yesterday. You know, I did think my hair looked better longer and blonde.

Blogger Cheryl said...

Lol! I wish I could do that. But then I'd be up at ngiht worrying about what I said...sigh. Maybe I will try it anyway.

Blogger tmaris said...

Wow and I was feeling bad for some of my snarky thoughts and actions lately. Love it.

Blogger Sizzle said...

Catnip for the soul!! That's priceless Kris. Fucking priceless.

I say, embrace the inner Karen (from Will & Grace) and let it rip.

But first, take drinking up again. When you have a cocktail in hand, it seems a person can get away with saying a lot.

;) sizz

Anonymous Bad Maria said...

I'm with Jerk - you aren't actually supposed to say these things? damn, no wonder I'm Bad Maria...

Blogger Oh, that girl. said...

Thank god someone said it. Cause usually its only me...

Blogger Shawn said...

We don't say things like that in Wisconsin (aka God's Country). Here we only say ice things and have pleasant thoughts. That's why our cheese is so delicious.

I spent time living in California though, so from time to time tainted thoughts might briefly cross my mind.

Oh things like..."Ha, ha...No, I really do think you're stupid." and "Oh sure, he'll leave his supermodel girlfriend for you. You're fat and boring, but I'm sure that doesn't matter to him. Guys don't care about that stuff..." and "Um yeah, cutting me off in the parking lot does define you as an asshole..."

But I quickly banish such impurities lest they cause our beautiful skies to cloud and our cheese to turn sour.

It's not easy living amongst such wondrous people as I do, but I continue to try and lift my game.

Blogger KlevaBich said...

May I add a couple more?

"For chrissakes turn the volume down on your cellphone ringer or I'm going to throw the unholy thing out the damned window!"

"Thank you for parking your shopping cart and/or fat ass right in the middle of the narrow aisle and making me say 'excuse me' louder and louder until you finally hear me and move the damned thing."

"You're welcome your royal highness. It was my pleasure to hold this door open for you, and your saying 'thank you' would have spoiled it."

"For the love of all that is holy stop acting all friendly and nice when we all know you're a phony, back-stabbing bitch."

Phew, thanks for letting me get that off my spleen.

Blogger Kris said...

YES! YES! Doesn't that feel good! It's like scratching that itch in the middle of your back . . . what a way to go into the weekend!

Blogger babyjewels said...

Ah, saw no evil monkey. my fav of all the no evil monkeys. Sometimes you just gotta cut someone loose.

Blogger DC Cookie said...

So...what's worse? Say these things and be known as bitches, or NOT say these things and be fake?

Massive internal debate...

Blogger Kiki said...

Almost all the ones I would say are listed in yours.

I experienced the cologne one today. Ughhhh. I thought my heart would stop beating due to lack of oxygen.

Blogger Sub Girl said...

good to let it allll out! I think this one ALLL the time: "Honestly, I didn’t even hear what you just said. I smiled and laughed like I did, but I have no earthly idea what you were talking about."

Blogger JordanBaker said...

If we'd ever met, I'd be really afraid that the hair comment was about me. Otherwise, I support the idea entirely.

Blogger deanne said...

"No, I’m sorry, but that baby with the red face and shrunken head just really isn’t cute."

God I'm so certain you're talking about Miranda's baby from Sex and the City! Lord but that poor child was uuuuuugg-LAY!

[Next stop: Hell!]

Blogger Lulu said...

Here's mine:

"No, we do not like you. We are tolerating you until we make some money off of you, and then we will never speak to you again."

"No, I don't think your children are sweet or well-behaved. I believe your son to be slightly mentally retarded, and I cringe when his smelly little fingers touch me. And his speach impediment makes him even worse to be around. And the fact that you do nothing about it makes you a shitty parent. And I do not think your daughter is charming. I realize she is only 5, but I am looking at her role models and her current behavior, and I am willing to bet that she will also be a little whore when she hits puberty. I don't think either of you are are decent parents, I don't think either of you are overly intelligent, I think your home smells bad, and your mutual levels of incompetence are absolutely astounding. So, please, do me this favor and quit calling my house. You couple of fucktards. You make me sick."

hee hee... a monkey.

Blogger mysterygirl! said...

How about, "Your commitment to loud and constant inconsequential chatter is impressive, but undesirable" ?

(I like to be hoity-toity in my silent seething.)

Blogger oregano said...

You and garlic appear to be close friends, no? Maybe you should get new friends.

Blogger Brookelina said...

LOL these are great. I'd like to add:
Seriously, I couldn't be less interested in what you have to say.

And one my ex once said to someone at a party: Christ, you're a boring fuck. (sounds so much better with an Australian accent)

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

Fabulous!

I'm sorry, but I just can't bear to come to your house anymore, because your lack of housekeeping skills makes me sick. Pubes on the bathroom floor?!? C'mon. Hell, if it wasn't on the lake, and I didn't need a place to keep my kayak, I'd never come here (to use you) at all.

Too specific? :) Boy, it felt good to finally get that off my chest.

Blogger Bridget Jones said...

You go, girl. Can you talk to some of my acquaintences?

Bridg

Blogger LBseahag said...

All that, and that dumb bitch Jessica got lipgloss flavored like cotton candy...

Blogger katie's brain said...

Oh God, I'm afraid I might be in love with your blog.

Blogger BamaGirl said...

You said it all. Maybe I can just tape record myself saying some of those and play them at the appropriate moments. haha

Blogger Jessica said...

I had a moment last night at a club where I was no longer listening to the band, but simply saying in my head : " Really, out of all of the available space in the whole club you and your giganto purse need to be right behind me? Yes, please twirl! Hitting me in the back every 10 seconds will be loads of fun!" I actually got to the point where I was having violent fantasies! Oy!

Blogger Mercy said...

I need you to write a letter for me ... dear r ...

Blogger QOS said...

You're right. I don't like you. I just need someone to pay for my food.

Blogger still_figuring_out said...

lol. i so wish i can say some of these list to people who truly deserve them!

Blogger Hope said...

so it's not okay to give a toast at my friend's wedding this weekend congratulating her on marrying the first thing that came along? And I shouldn't tell her mom about the abortion?

Anonymous Jorge said...

AH.
The inside voice going outside.
The world would spin out of control and plunge to hell at that.

Or maybe it would be heaven?

:)

Either way, it would surely be more entertaining.

Blogger Queenie said...

Love it! I think I will try it.

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