On discovering 57 new English language terms for the penis

I recommend many things in celebration of Mother’s Day, not limited to flowers, brunch, and apologizing for all the things in life you still don’t really believe you did wrong.

I don’t recommend granting your mother’s wish to see Forgetting Sarah Marshall, as there isn’t enough bleach in the world to cleanse memories of sitting in a darkened movie theater with a woman in a dress skirt and hose while viewing a penis 100 times its actual size. I prefer most days, in my good daughterly haze, to fool myself into thinking my mother has yet to see even herself naked.

Here’s to full frontal nudity at brunch.