These important life lessons sponsored by MS Word bullets

• Don't leave your apartment at 8:53 am with only a screwdriver and your new license plates.

• When leaving said apartment, try to wear something other than yoga pants and a white tee shirt. Like a bra and underwear.

• When you realize you've locked yourself out and have only a car key, don't berate yourself for not washing your face or brushing your teeth before exposing yourself to the daylight.

• Stay calm. You have given spare keys out to 5 friends for this very purpose.

• Don't panic when you realize that none of these friends is home. Or that you have no phone. Or money. Or underwear.

• Try not to worry about looking homeless as you scour the streets of DC for change. It is enough that you know you have steady employment.

• Don't abuse your steering wheel as it dawns on you first that pay phones no longer exist, and next that you are too gross in appearance to stop at the fire station for help, where all the brothers are lined up out front to greet the Pope.

• When you do locate a pay phone 30 minutes later, don't curse technological advances as you realize you only know one phone number by heart: your mother's.

• While trying to figure out how to make a collect call and conceal your nipples at the same time, ignore the haggard man playing with your tires. He's only interested because you parked half of your car on the sidewalk.

• When your mother doesn't pick up two collect calls, avoid calling her names under your breath lest she pick up on the third.

• While driving to another state to retrieve your spare keys, wash your face with a hand wipe and pull the screwdriver through your hair in the hope that your mother will recognize you at rendez vous point.

• While waiting for mother at marina, ignore frowning woman on cell phone placing a call while watching you change "your" license plates. Yes, you look like a criminal.

• 60 minutes later, when your mother arrives with money, insurance card, and Diet Coke in hand, suppress every urge to jump on her back and hug her tightly. You know full well she'll feel your commando breasts and take the Diet Coke back.