August 2, 2007
I won't even show you what's on the door
In scrutinizing the pictures of myself from BlogHer, I wanted to scream at how chunky I looked, how imperfect each and every angle seemed to be. I don't own Photoshop and given that MS Paint doesn't have a tool to trim ass (and chin) length, I think I'm going to have to take it upon myself to stop eating fries for breakfast (ok, it only happened once at BlogHer, but it was like NOON, people).

Problem is, I hate to grocery shop. HATE. DETEST. LOOOOATHE. The Safeway is a completely unsafe environment for the Kris, stocked with forty types of vinegar when I'm pretty sure we all know humankind needs only one, not to mention the infants and the toddlers and the teen boys with their hands flailing toward my highlights while mommy's back is turned. It's enough to make a woman order in every night. Or just not stock her fridge. Like ever. At all. Like really.

Behold today's confession, folks: my refrigerator.


Now before you freak out and start calling the ugly people who protect cats from their neglectful, wino owners, let me offer that I was indeed out of town for five whole days last week. I wouldn't have wanted anything to rot, particularly this:


Yep, see that clear container of soup on the middle shelf? Well, Grissom, that pretty girl used to be a Panera side salad. A co-worker didn't eat it so I took it home from my company meeting in EARLY JULY. I'm pleased to see that the empty Tupperware to her left decided to keep her company. Wouldn't want her to get lonely in there. And perhaps be attacked by a fifth of a green pepper. Moving on.


I HAVE A JOB. What in God's name would make me think that I couldn't afford to toss the last precious three milliliters of Pinot Grigio from my clearly well-fingerprinted glass? And when did I become an ER doc or mother of triplets or Carrot Top or someone else who might legitimately have a reason to be busy enough to put the IMPALED NIPPLE OF A CUCUMBER in the forefront of the fridge? Um, in such a rush to blog and file down your feet that you didn't have time to remove the slicing implement, Kris?

And doesn't it look like it got stabbed in the damn mouth? Like it was sassing the gang of condiments and one of them done gone and shivved him right in the piehole?


Ok. Kids, let's stop this crazy sexual tension a la Maddie and David. You two have been making blue lips at each other since at least May. Whaddya say you scoot on in closer and get your parfait on? Can't you hear them now, party people? "Yoplait or mine?"

I'll be going now.

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57 Comments:

Blogger FreckledK said...

I have a baking dish with what I think was once some sort of meatloaf taking up residence in the bottom right hand corner of my refrigerator for what has to be the better part of a decade.

But this somehow validates that. Thanks!

Blogger EDW said...

You know, I thought you looked quite pretty in the plethora of BlogHer pics, which is to say you looked quite pretty for you but stunning for the rest of the population. And I'm not just blowing smoke up your ass.

As for your fridge, I love the glass of wine. That's what makes it for me. I should take a picture of mine, and you'll marvel that they actually let me take a human child home from the hospital. WHAT were they thinking?

Blogger Sizzle said...

ok, a) you do NOT look chunky in any of the photos i have seen. get your eyes checked! ;) and b) that pic of your fridge makes mine look good. (thanks for that!) the wine glass really makes the photo. hee hee.

Blogger janet said...

wow that is a work of art in there!

and seriously, you do not look AT ALL chunky in the blogher pics. I know chunky, and you are not it.

Blogger Elise said...

HAHAHA! What a redeeming post! I now feel less intimidated by you, and more like we could be the best of friends, friends who sit and meter out wine while filing our feet together.

Wanna?

Blogger kristen said...

oh. my. god.

you know, i think you can order groceries on the internet!!

Blogger tmaris said...

it looks like my fridge!

I got home from vacation two weeks ago and still haven't managed to go to the grocery store... which I can WALK to.

Blogger Lisa said...

If only we could switch problems. I LOVE GROCERY SHOPPING. Passionately. I can spend hours on fresh direct. (Maybs thats all you need- a little fresh direct in your life. Makes grocery shopping as easy as... browsing the internet. i was trying to make that more figurative but it turns out I am a literal person)

Just discovered your blog! LOVE it!

Blogger Christine said...

1.) You have some gorgeous collarbones, so shush on the photo stuff.

2.) Yoplait or mine? Brilliant. If we both make it to BlogHer '08, would you let this (mommy,sometimes...okay, usually)blogger buy you a glass of wine (or fetch it if it's free)?

Blogger Tracy Kaply said...

I always love coming here. I feel so...normal.

Blogger Deana said...

Loved this line, "one of them done gone and shivved him". Funny, funny girl!

Blogger Jen M. said...

Oh my GOd that was funny.

The sexual tension between the Yoplait? Hee-larious!!!

Blogger Cinnkitty said...

Girl...I love the "single girls fridge" postings. I did one a while back and realized the only thing in my side-by-side was coffee beans...lots and lots of coffee beans.... whooo...java! java! java!! coffee..coffee..coffee!

heh..heh.heh.... sadly, none of them were chocolate covered espresso beans.

I wandered the French Quarter for 6 hours one night, popping those things like they were jelly beans. You'd have thought I was on speed by the end of the night!! ;)

Blogger takin chances said...

And THIS is how the blogosphere brings us closer. I thought only my fridge was so lonely. But "Yoplait or mine," I just nearly died.

Blogger WanderingGirl said...

"Yoplait or mine"... I peed a little.

I've been known to keep things in my fridge and just throw the entire container out when I move. This will be a problem now that I'm settling down!

Blogger Samatakah said...

Maybe it's the two glasses of wine I just drank, but the photo of the dessicated bell pepper made me laugh and laugh.

Or maybe because the fearful salad/soup and the protective Tupperware were just damn funny. Also the stabbed cuke. Ha!

Got here from "Boobs, Injuries, & Dr. Pepper."

Blogger Erika said...

I thought you looked incredibly gorgeous at BlogHer. Especially in all the pictures... If only you could see yourself as I see you.

And? I totally heart your fridge. It brings back fond memories of a time when I didn't have a gazillion mouths to feed.

Blogger JordanBaker said...

This makes me feel less bad about the tupperware full of sliced lime (lovingly prepared for guests at a party where apparently no one drank anything with lime in) that's been scarily loitering in the back of my fridge since. . .late May.

Blogger kitkat said...

Hilarious. Next time, instead of leaving just one old yogurt in the fridge for weeks, I'll have to make sure he/she has some company.

Although I concur with the rest about you definitely not being chunky, someone told me about this site: http://savingdinner.com. They have a "freezer meals" section where the idea is that you take one huge shopping trip, spend a day chopping/preparing, and then you freeze it, so you don't have to take as many trips to the store or spend as much time cooking.

Hilarious! Thank you for that Friday morning piece of genius!

Blogger t2ed said...

I like that nothing is in The Crisper Drawer aka The Rotter.

That poor cucumber never had a chance.

Blogger Rebecca said...

I just cleaned out my fridge because I moved. I found a lovely set of tangerines that apparently were crispy? I think they dried themselves, or something, while in my fridge.

and I like to think the cucumber with the knife is there to remind the rest of the fridge what happens if they get out of line.

Blogger HAR said...

How can you be chunky with the contents of that refrigerator? (smile)

Blogger jenny said...

"nipple of a cucumber"

i will never look at the produce section in quite the same way.

hilarious entry!

Blogger Jess said...

www.peapod.com

I couldn't live without it now.

Blogger The Middle Child said...

Yopliat or mine? That is the funnies thing I have read this week!!!!

Blogger Mamma said...

Yet another reason to love you!!!

I love ordering out. I hate having to think about what I'm going to make. And for some reason every time I go to the grocery store I spend a week's salary, yet when I get home nothing goes together to make a meal.

When are we getting drinks?

Blogger Amber said...

I am currently making muffled snorking noises in order to mask the laughter from my co-workers. You are TOO FUNNY!!

Blogger Whiskeymarie said...

I recently found a potato in my fridge that had morphed into potato jello.
Don't feel bad.

And, you looked super-meow in the Blogher pics.
Even on my best hair day, your hair would kick my hair's ass in a cage match.
Totally.

Blogger Paige Jennifer said...

First off, you're hot. You are one hot mama. Feh to photographs. My ass requires a wide angle lens. Which is why I firmly ignore it. I mean, it's behind me. I can't see it. Therefore, it doesn't exist.

As for your refrigerator. Seriously now, that wasn't a still life put together for the picture? Oy. I especially liked the empty tupperware. Well, and the impaled cucumber. Had a voodoo look to it.

Blogger justjenny said...

All my refrigerator contains are condiments and beverages - it's nice to know everyone else is in the same place!

Going to the grocery store is too stressful. I know I'm making poor choices, and that freaks me out, but when I buy healthy food I don't eat it.

Blogger Pilar said...

Ants have attacked my apartment, so I now how a 20-lb. bag of dog food and three boxes of cereal in my fridge. But I thought I was bad...

Yoplait or mine... HAHAHA!!!

Blogger WanderingGirl said...

There's something wrong with saving the last sip of Pinot?

Blogger Lawyer Mama said...

I think that's the most interesting what's in my refrigerator post I've ever seen. Congrats!

Blogger Jürgen Nation said...

I heart you.

And sometimes hate.

I'm not sure which emotion fits right now. Please to hold for answer.

Blogger Jen said...

"Like it was sassing the gang of condiments and one of them done gone and shivved him right in the piehole"?

I'm in hysterics, Kris. This line is 'effing brilliant and hilarious. I couldn't stop laughing looking at the cucumber.

Awesome.

jen

Blogger Miss Scarlet said...

When I had a roommate, I would forget which stuff was mine and then I wouldn't throw it out for fear it was actually his. Haha, a horrible cycle.

Blogger Elizabeth said...

Oh, the cucumber kills me!

Our fridge is sadly empty too. I hate to cook and now hate to shop. Pregnancy is tough!

Blogger Slackermommy said...

I thought you looked pretty hot!You got it goin' on girl.

This post was just the laugh I needed today.

Blogger BabsieD said...

...and she's BACK.

Awesome.

Blogger Chris said...

I can't stop laughing. I love you.

I have the opposite problem. I love to grocery shop but I hate to cook. So I buy all this food that eventually rots in the fridge and I have to sneak and throw it away before my husband notices.
"Why yes, honey, I did eat that two week old turkey breast sitting in the fridge and that moldy tomato."

Blogger TrappedInColorado said...

Your fridge is a cornocophia of goodies compared to mine! You single DC chicks sure know how to live!

Blogger snoopy said...

Wow - your fridge has far more edible substances in it than mine does. I too have a rotting cucumber (alas without the knife impailing it...nice touch).

You may have inspired a whole bunch of bog posts filled with fridge pictures.

Blogger Cece said...

your pictures reminded me that i need to clean the inside of my fridge.

Blogger metalia said...

Oh, Kris. You should see my fridge. It's overflowing with such lovely items as NINE different salad dressings (I develop amnesia each and every time I go to the supermarket), eleventy billion beverages, and a chicken that is, quite possibly, from last May.

PS? You're insane; you looked foxy at BlogHer.

Blogger Zandria said...

My fridge usually stays that empty, too. The difference is that I'll throw away old food and expired products, but my contents basically consist of beverages (water, Diet Coke, and soy milk), carrots, and half a loaf of bread. The other things I buy are not quite so perishable and reside in the cabinets. :)

It was great getting to meet you at BlogHer!

Blogger kerri said...

I myself love the impaled cucumber. It says: "I'm the queen of this fridge, and I mean business." Or something. Or maybe it says what you said it did. Either way, it was instantly my favorite part of your fridge.

Blogger Sue said...

It must have been that time of the month... the cleaning out the frig time, silly. I cleaned mine out too. I'd go head-to-head on you for "science experiments" anytime.

Blogger HKW said...

Thank you for the close-up of the bell pepper. At 1st glance of the 1st photo, I thought "What the hell is wrong with that lime on the middle shelf?". 1/5 of a bell pepper totally made sense after you explained.

Hilarious!

Blogger Kelly said...

A) After the photographic proof it is HIGHTIME you stop putting yourself down. hullo? GORGEOUS! Seriously. *envy*
A)i. - We'll kick your arse if you keep it up.

2) Where is the destination wedding? ...Cuz we're celebrating birthdays in the same week (I think), and are heading to a destination wedding then as well! Punta Cana by any chance??

iii) There's a class system in your fridge. Did you notice? All the cool kids are on the top shelves. Apparently only cool kids/condiments/veggie resi are allowed in your apt, as there is nothing on the bottom! Drole!

D) You're hilarious. We love you soooooooooooooooooooo much.

Blogger Kelly said...

Oh, and a message from my friend Anna:

"Subject : wino's post...

wow....she's amazing..."

(yes, that was the extent of her e-mail!)

and then later:

"Next time you email Kris...the Wino...please let her know that she is NOT CHUNKY (as she seems to think she is)!!! She looks gorgeous in the pictures (that I have seen) of her at the blog conference thingy...

anyhoo... "

FYI, darling.

Blogger Genevieve said...

lol that looks bizarrely like my fridge. except i have some cans of half- eaten cat food, 2 bags of lettuce, and a really really old jar of mayo. i think i need to go grocery shopping myself.

Blogger Mama G said...

Knowing I was in need of a good laugh this afternoon, I promptly headed over to read your blog.

You did not disappoint, my friend! THANK YOU!

Blogger Jorge said...

I can't believe that I can't see the I Can't Believe it's Not Butter.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?

Blogger supergirlest said...

i just peed myself. thanks. :)

Blogger Kristina said...

That looks exactly like my fridge. Only now I keep getting lunchmeat so that I can pack sandwiches for lunch. The looks I was getting from my coworkers when I microwaved ramen just became too much for me. :-D Now I do that for dinner.

Blogger Becca said...

Absolutely love the "Yoplait or mine?"! I wish my fridge had that much personality. :)

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