how to make my head explode while on vacation, day one

Let me get to the airport within 10 minutes, through DC security in four, and then delay my flight by more than one hour. Then don't tell me before I go through security that the only establishment serving alcohol in Terminal C is closed for renovation. I enjoy taking my clothes and shoes off repeatedly around strangers.

Then please, pretty please make me use my own powers of deduction to conclude that there's no earthly way I can fly on a 737 that is set to depart DC before it actually arrives from its previous departure city.

If you can find it in your heart, please then rebook me on another flight to my destination that will arrive four hours after my previous arrival time.

Please then keep every passenger standing in the jetway for 20 minutes waiting to board said plane. Don't tell us why we've been horded there like sweaty cattle. Pass by, flashing wings and walkie talkies and looking down at your toes. But hush, airplane man, don't speak; forced ignorance makes for more fun for doe-eyed holiday travelers.

Before I forget, when you rebook my flight in DC, don't mention that I'm today's big winner of a BONUS connection! Let me find out when I have both feet, and most certainly not my luggage, on the ground at my first connecting airport. It's always fun, when you're expecting your next landing to be in Southern Cali, to discover that you'll be taking the scenic route via Phoenix. One can never have enough turquoise and feathers!*



* This rant brought to you by the letters V, I, N and O. Ironically, ensuing relaxation, tanning and tomfoolery that includes nearly stealing an unsuspecting koala brought to you by the very same letters. Missing you all.