May 30, 2007
how to make my head explode while on vacation, day one
Let me get to the airport within 10 minutes, through DC security in four, and then delay my flight by more than one hour. Then don't tell me before I go through security that the only establishment serving alcohol in Terminal C is closed for renovation. I enjoy taking my clothes and shoes off repeatedly around strangers.

Then please, pretty please make me use my own powers of deduction to conclude that there's no earthly way I can fly on a 737 that is set to depart DC before it actually arrives from its previous departure city.

If you can find it in your heart, please then rebook me on another flight to my destination that will arrive four hours after my previous arrival time.

Please then keep every passenger standing in the jetway for 20 minutes waiting to board said plane. Don't tell us why we've been horded there like sweaty cattle. Pass by, flashing wings and walkie talkies and looking down at your toes. But hush, airplane man, don't speak; forced ignorance makes for more fun for doe-eyed holiday travelers.

Before I forget, when you rebook my flight in DC, don't mention that I'm today's big winner of a BONUS connection! Let me find out when I have both feet, and most certainly not my luggage, on the ground at my first connecting airport. It's always fun, when you're expecting your next landing to be in Southern Cali, to discover that you'll be taking the scenic route via Phoenix. One can never have enough turquoise and feathers!*



* This rant brought to you by the letters V, I, N and O. Ironically, ensuing relaxation, tanning and tomfoolery that includes nearly stealing an unsuspecting koala brought to you by the very same letters. Missing you all.


26 Comments:

Blogger Jürgen Nation said...

HOORAY! At least we're in the same time zone for a few days.

Blogger Kelly said...

Thankfully plane stations and their planes and plane companies are so considerate, eh?

Eh!

Blogger whiskeymarie said...

Step away from the computer...

Relax and drink.
Lots.
Wear 50 SPF though, please. Or 80.
Yup. 80 is better. And a hat. And carry a parasol.

Blogger Lisa said...

Flying used to be mildly stresful at times, but now it's shockingly hideously infuriating. It takes all your energy not to go postal, don't you think?

Blogger whoorl said...

Where in the hell are you?!

Blogger A Unique Alias said...

I think you're allowed to bring, what, 3oz containers on planes. Bearing your experiences in mind, I'll have about 20 airplane-sized bottlettes of booze in my carry-on.

Blogger I-66 said...

Another validation of my not having boarded a plane since 2003.

Blogger t2ed said...

Don't sass Phoenix. Look down from that plane and enjoy the many lovely shades of brown--sand, dirt, rock, hills, cliffs. All rich luxurious brown.

Except for the golf courses of course.

Blogger Jorge said...

At least you didn't end up crashing on an island near Australia, being forced to have your charater developed with no semblance of plot whatsoever!

SHEESH!

Blogger JordanBaker said...

t2ed forgot the lovely aquamarine splotches of pool in nearly everyone's back yard.

And Sky Harbor International Airport sells some awesome scorpions encased in plastic bubbles. I'm just sayin'.

Blogger playfulinnc said...

Ah, vacation. As our Canadian honeymoon approaches, I have dreams of missed connections and travel fraught with taking my clothes off in front of strangers. How titillating.

Blogger Keith said...

YOu gotta love US Airways...I too was sad to find out that the Sports Bar was closed in Terminal C in favor of reopening as a shitty burger joint.

Blogger Nabbalicious said...

Hmmm...why are the airlines going bankrupt, again?

Here's hope your vacation picks up from here!

Blogger Beth said...

I hate, hate, hate to fly anyway. One too many bad expereinces like yours. I feel your pain.

Hope you are having fun now!

Blogger Mama G said...

I'm not promoting drug use or anything, but I fly no where without my valium. Just sayin' ...

Blogger Paige Jennifer said...

Sweetie, you ain't gettin' any sympathy from me. My scheduled one-stop jaunt to Anchorage was supposed to take 11 hours but somehow spiraled into three stops and 18 hours. All because a Delta bean counter oversold a flight that runs once daily.

And to make matters worse, since my travel now extended across three meals and five states, I had no choice but to eat a sausage for dinner in Los Angeles. Yup. A greasy, nasty, make-you-burp-for-the-next-twelve-hours sausage.

Where did you go? I want a vacation :)

I have recently learned of the wonder that is the airport bar, it just makes everything so much more bearable. Bummer about terminal C. :)

Blogger DraMa said...

Hey, don't knock my hometown of Phoenix girl! LOL! Screw the turquoise and feathers... go for the dead scorpion in a solid Plexiglas dome that serves as a paperweight.

THAT is classic Phoenix souvenir genius right there.

Blogger Heather B. said...

HOORAY! I will still be in DC when you get back. Like for an entire week.

I know, you feel so very lucky and blessed right now.

Airports can really suck the big one.

Blogger Gwen said...

Back away from the koala, my dear. But not the bottle of wine. Because that brings much goodness.

Blogger Skyzi said...
Blogger PinkPiddyPaws said...

What? No problems with the "one quart sized baggie" with no more than "3 oz of liquid"??????

Honestly, I have more issues with the airlines severe lack of customer service, than I have ever had with the stricter security measures.

One is in place to protect me.
The other is in place to annoy the hell out of me, elevate my blood pressure and make me want to rip out that blue jump suited monkey's throat with my teeth and bath in the fountain of his blood!!

But I guess that would be bad, huh?

Hope you got some nice bleached cattle skulls in Phoenix. :)

Cheers!

Turquoise and feathers are all the rage, though so you should be good to go!

Yay! I love airlines! :D

Blogger themikestand said...

Stressful vacation? Does not compute.

Dr. Mike says "more wine".

Blogger Dave said...

You've been on vacation for four days now and you've only got the one post up? Holy frickin' slacker, man.

What are you doing now? RIGHT NOW?!? Enquiring minds WANT TO KNOW!

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