February 7, 2007
I'll tell you the story of my frigid apartment another time. For now, we'll have to go with this.
A male friend and I have decided to standardize the initial days of dating, to make the rules set, based on mathematical and statistical and other assorted -ical calculations, so that one need not wait in anguish for a call or an email or a first kiss. I would have diagrammed it all pretty like, but I don't have Visio on my home machine and there was wine and American Idol to be consumed.

It might look a little something like this (don't get all gender particular on me; for simplicity's sake, the man is the pursuer, as it is in most of the animal kingdom as well as my apartment):

1) Man receives contact information from woman at party/salsa class/wake.

2) Man contacts woman within 24 hours*. Call shall contain both clear plan for upcoming interaction that does not include Krispy Creme and does include accurate name of woman, not other female party attendee. Boyish anxiety a plus. Should man not contact woman within 24 hours, woman has all memory of man erased, heading off at the pass feelings of insecurity and desperate motherly meddling to the tune of "now i'll hever have grandchildren!" Delinquent man shall also have last memory of being dumped by H.S. girlfriend/Playboy model/1st chair clarinet neighbor girl on repeat in mind for next 36 hours, as is the copy of "Beaches" that won't seem to eject from his DVD player.

3) Woman returns contact within 24 hours with clear response including intent and not including coy avoidance or an awful snorty laugh.** Should said contact not be made within established time frame, man shall forget woman and receive free PPV for one month's duration; woman shall grow one extra chin hair.

4) Man and woman shall meet for date within one week. Date shall not take place at location at which one can feel peanut shells underfoot or purchase livestock. During date, neither man nor woman will a) answer cell phone, b) flirt with server, c) play game of "see food," or d) break out photos of pets/South Park bobblehead/Precious Moments collection.

5) Immediately following date one, there shall be no kissing or fornication***. Should both daters be interested in the other, they shall suppress all libidinal instincts; this shall only add to the gorgeous sexual tension that will eventually combust the way of the knocking over of glass coffee tables a la Moonlighting. Should only one party be interested in the other, sexual embargo will save man/woman from surefire gagging and/or shuddering and woman/man from forcibly sharing embarrassing rejection details with pals at Waffle House.

6) Either man or woman contacts the other after date one within 18 hours. Contact includes clear plan for next date. Surpassing 18 hours invokes noticable case of head lice AND helium voice in either.

7) Second date. Return to rules set forth in number 2.

8) Lather, rinse, repeat, substituting "shall be" in first line of number 5 by date 12 (Malia votes for a more realistic date in the single digits). If not, either man or women likely watches Mr. Belvedere on regular basis and even without that, things are still getting to be slightly more uncomfortable than Minnie Driver gorging herself on that sloppy hamburger in Good Will Hunting. Good luck.






*No. No one cares if you are in the hospital or you lost your cell phone or your dog needed an emergency appendectomy. Sorry, Charlie. Don't even try.

**No. No one cares if you have cramps or you forgot your celly at work or if your best friend found out she was pregnant. Sorry, Carlita. Don't even try.


***or trips to Safeway on closest following Sunday to take advantage of twofer deals or usage of affectionate names including "kitten" or "boo" or introduction to ANY blood relative or discussion of potential marriage between a) selves or b) Nick and the MTV girl or c) Bea Arthur and another human being.

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36 Comments:

Blogger themikestand said...

I was going to comment that at #2 you had very little chance of this actually catching on, but the mention of "one extra chin hair" had me giggling.

So I sit here, in my cube-farm, wondering: How many chin hairs are essential*, such that one more constitutes "extra"?


*or is it just in case the official Chin Hair, for whatever reason, cannot fulfill all duties and obligations pertaining to its post?

Anonymous sween said...

Urg... actions to avoid in Number 3 is giving me some bad flashbacks...

Blogger Chantel said...

I need guidelines like this. It helps; now I need to get a date so I can ignore the guidelines. You know; that's just me!!

Anonymous maliavale said...

Please tell me I'm just reading this wrong: No kissing until date 12? Yeep.

Blogger Freewheel said...

This great, but I think #5 is a rule made to be broken.

Blogger Woman with kids said...

I have no problem with the rules. I'm just wondering if you could set up a party/salsa class/wake for me to find said male person to try the rules out with?

Anonymous Chaos Control said...

Chin hairs and Moonlighting? Both mentioned in the same post?

Brilliant!

Blogger Kelly said...

This sounds like fun! We just have to make sure that both parties are aware of the guidelines. Especially the time deadlines!

Anonymous girl and dog said...

Date 12? Oh, come ON! That's torture!!!

Blogger Marisa said...

"neither man nor woman will play game of "see food""

damn!
...that's my most charming move!

Blogger Jess Riley said...

Wow; I read #3 too quickly and thought it said "receive free HPV for one month's duration."

Darn cervical cancer vaccine all over the airwaves.

Add to the Precious Moments collection stipulation: those faceless, chiseled wooden people they sell at Hallmark. You probably know someone who owns a nativity scene comprised of these carvings.

Blogger "said" Woman said...

No kissing on the first date? Evah? Come on! Not even if it's like a totally amazing date? If thise have to be the rules, then FINE!!!! But I'm not super happy about it.

Blogger egan said...

Dating seems like such a hassle.

Blogger kris said...

says the married man . . .

Blogger Kim said...

You were referring to me when you said "awful snorty laugh", weren't you?

I can't help it! It's genetic.

Blogger Love Monkey said...

I'm gonna agree with the married man. However, you have managed to simplify it quite a bit!

Wait, no kissing until date 12? : /
My hormones can't take that. I generally try to wait until 2nd date for kissing and 3rd for sex.
Have I had it all wrong all this time? That would make sense, though....

Blogger JordanBaker said...

What the hell do you have against Krispy Kreme?

Blogger mysterygirl! said...

I was going to make fun of the date 12 section as well, but then I realized, maybe all my premature kissing prevents me from getting real dates. Perhaps your wisdom will keep me from a horrible mistake!

Either way, at best I can only hold out on the liplock until date 2. Sorry. I'm kind of a kissy-slut.

Blogger Lovely Lelaina said...

I am literally cracking up. I think people at work think that I'm a little funny in the head.



Sucks though, b/c I almost ALWAYS kiss on the first date. If there's no va-va-voom then why bother with the second one?

Anonymous Jorge said...

You know,

Streaks on the China, never happened before...

;)

Blogger kris said...

Jorge, how did I know . . .

Anonymous chirky said...

This is brilliant. Perhaps you should have a book deal, and this should be required reading in all freshman high school courses.

Hmm...or, upon more serious reflection, it should be required reading in all sixth grade, seventh grade, eighth grade courses, as well as twice a year each year of high school.

If a student graduates early, that student should be required to read it the first two years of college, too.

Anonymous zandria said...

If the rules of dating actually went like this, I would probably feel better about participating. Why are there so many unknowns? :)

Blogger Melissavina said...

12 dates until kissing or fornication?! That's nunnery right there.

Anonymous Jorge Likey said...

It's because we're twins Kris.

Separated at birth.

Brought together by the "next Blog" button of fate.

Anonymous Marci said...

Gah! Am I so over dating that even this seems hopeless?

Blogger Sizzle said...

have i EVER waited until date 12?! have i ever had twelve dates in a row?!

now i am depressed.

the visual of minnie driver gorging herself is now on perma-loop in my head. thanks for that kris.

and also? i miss moonlighting. that was a good show.

Anonymous sandra said...

Is it weird that I want a feedback form? I always wonder, when I thought a date went well, why the guy didn't call. And while the answer for some is certainly, "he's a fuckwit" it can't be the case for all of them. (can it?)

Blogger Sean said...

I always heard you were supposed to wait over two days to make the first call to avoid seeming like a psycho.

Maybe everyones a psycho these days so it doesn't matter.

Blogger Megarita said...

Wow. 12. I'm just going to have to laminate this and put it in my wallet so I can keep track of where I am in my "shall" calendar. Brilliant!

Blogger whiskeymarie said...

God, I don't think I ever waited more than 3 or 4 dates before fornication. Wait, what is fornication again? I think I'm confusing it with something else entirely.
Oh, wait... no, I remember-I was just kind of a slut. It's probably best that I'm out of the dating pool now.

Blogger mamalujo1 said...

All excellent rules, and ones I would follow IF I were still "in the scene," which, thanks be to the sweet baby Jebus, I am not.

Blogger Songbird said...

Love this, badly needed.

What is 'game of see food'???

Anonymous beej said...

if only I would have followed these rules back in the day. I guess I'm now destined to live the life of a spinster :(

Blogger butlimous said...

Thanks for the nice post!

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