I'll tell you the story of my frigid apartment another time. For now, we'll have to go with this.

A male friend and I have decided to standardize the initial days of dating, to make the rules set, based on mathematical and statistical and other assorted -ical calculations, so that one need not wait in anguish for a call or an email or a first kiss. I would have diagrammed it all pretty like, but I don't have Visio on my home machine and there was wine and American Idol to be consumed.

It might look a little something like this (don't get all gender particular on me; for simplicity's sake, the man is the pursuer, as it is in most of the animal kingdom as well as my apartment):

1) Man receives contact information from woman at party/salsa class/wake.

2) Man contacts woman within 24 hours*. Call shall contain both clear plan for upcoming interaction that does not include Krispy Creme and does include accurate name of woman, not other female party attendee. Boyish anxiety a plus. Should man not contact woman within 24 hours, woman has all memory of man erased, heading off at the pass feelings of insecurity and desperate motherly meddling to the tune of "now i'll hever have grandchildren!" Delinquent man shall also have last memory of being dumped by H.S. girlfriend/Playboy model/1st chair clarinet neighbor girl on repeat in mind for next 36 hours, as is the copy of "Beaches" that won't seem to eject from his DVD player.

3) Woman returns contact within 24 hours with clear response including intent and not including coy avoidance or an awful snorty laugh.** Should said contact not be made within established time frame, man shall forget woman and receive free PPV for one month's duration; woman shall grow one extra chin hair.

4) Man and woman shall meet for date within one week. Date shall not take place at location at which one can feel peanut shells underfoot or purchase livestock. During date, neither man nor woman will a) answer cell phone, b) flirt with server, c) play game of "see food," or d) break out photos of pets/South Park bobblehead/Precious Moments collection.

5) Immediately following date one, there shall be no kissing or fornication***. Should both daters be interested in the other, they shall suppress all libidinal instincts; this shall only add to the gorgeous sexual tension that will eventually combust the way of the knocking over of glass coffee tables a la Moonlighting. Should only one party be interested in the other, sexual embargo will save man/woman from surefire gagging and/or shuddering and woman/man from forcibly sharing embarrassing rejection details with pals at Waffle House.

6) Either man or woman contacts the other after date one within 18 hours. Contact includes clear plan for next date. Surpassing 18 hours invokes noticable case of head lice AND helium voice in either.

7) Second date. Return to rules set forth in number 2.

8) Lather, rinse, repeat, substituting "shall be" in first line of number 5 by date 12 (Malia votes for a more realistic date in the single digits). If not, either man or women likely watches Mr. Belvedere on regular basis and even without that, things are still getting to be slightly more uncomfortable than Minnie Driver gorging herself on that sloppy hamburger in Good Will Hunting. Good luck.






*No. No one cares if you are in the hospital or you lost your cell phone or your dog needed an emergency appendectomy. Sorry, Charlie. Don't even try.

**No. No one cares if you have cramps or you forgot your celly at work or if your best friend found out she was pregnant. Sorry, Carlita. Don't even try.

***or trips to Safeway on closest following Sunday to take advantage of twofer deals or usage of affectionate names including "kitten" or "boo" or introduction to ANY blood relative or discussion of potential marriage between a) selves or b) Nick and the MTV girl or c) Bea Arthur and another human being.