May 23, 2006
Hodgepodge
I’m writing to you from the brand new laptop Mama bought this afternoon with the money she got from selling lemonade and her eggs.

I’m quite sure it won’t fit in the case I had for that Atari I used to blog from, so I’ll most definitely be forced to purchase a faux-croc laptop bag in a beautiful shade of cherry that I may or may not have SkyMalled last week.

In other news, which one of you freaks arrived here by Googling “licking my best friend’s fanny?”

(You come on back now, you hear?)

But if we were in group therapy together you’d snap your fingers at me and call me on my avoidance while our group leader looked interested but wrote out his shopping list. It’s clear that all of this prattle is a fruitless effort to avoid the white, stitched elephant standing triumphantly in the middle of the room:

I joined the company softball team today.

It’s a tie between Kris and the baby Jesus in the sobbing game.

I’ve already started drinking.


44 Comments:

Blogger Jasclo said...

Oh Kris. How you make me giggle.

Blogger I-66 said...

Curses... and I had the baby Jesus coming out on top in this one.

Insert (in)appropriate joke about knocking balls around... here.

...and call it a day. Beer please.

Blogger mysterygirl! said...

Congrats on your new laptop and fancy laptop bag.

(See how neatly I avoided the entire topic of softball?)

Blogger Finn said...

You do know that in the UK "fanny" means coochie, right? ;)

Blogger Sizzle said...

yeah who WAS the searcher for the fanny licker? the things people google!

for serious? the softball team?! your ability to inspire me just went up exponentially.

;) sizz

Blogger Miss Scarlet said...

Keyword search results NEVER let me down. That's a great one!

Good luck with softball...

Blogger Cheryl said...

I really need to check my keyword searches more often...

Blogger Rosie said...

My lord. Softball is SO scary.

(But at least the beer after the game part'll be fun!)

Blogger Rosie said...

My lord. Softball is SO scary.

(But at least the beer after the game part'll be fun!)

Anonymous whoorl said...

wow. softball.

aren't you scared of the pop fly that will be coming your way leaving the entire game solely on your shoulders but you can't see the ball due to the sun and you miss the catch?

sweet jebus, the pressure.

Anonymous Mrs. Jorge said...

You replaced the Atari? I'm not going to be able to recognize your apartment the next time I'm there! I don't know if I can handle so much change... But at least we agree that Jorge is on the couch next time!!!

:)

Good luck with the softball thing. I don't do the team sports thing, so all I can suggest is to drink before, during AND after to make it less painful.

Love lots!

Blogger Kris said...

J, I'm glad someone still giggles that didn't birth me.

I-66, I'll serve you as long as it's not a Coors Light. No man on this blog will be drinking Coors Light. And don't even think about Zima.

MG, thanks, lady! I appreciate you avoiding the topic, just as I avoid the topic of Metro vomit on your site. Nothing has been funnier in all of 06.

Megan, if only I knew what a coochie was.

Sizz, I'm pretty sure Jorge was the Google searcher. And as far as inspiration, let's remember that it was then that I carried you . . .

Scarlet, I think it's time for me to reveal that I covet your tiara. Come to think of it, no pitcher in his right mind would hit a batter with a tiara on.

Cheryl, there are hardly any tame searches. Sometimes I feel the need to call in Dateline.

Rosie, you're my kind of girl!

Rosie, you're still my kind of girl.

Whoorl, I just broke out in a sweat. Seriously.

MJ, hello, love! Hope the other night was lots of fun, Jager and all. (insert shudder here) I'm pretty sure Crick and Bug claimed the couch already, which would put Jorge . . . in the hallway with the bunnies. Ho hum.

Blogger wharman said...

You're probably gonna want to throw in a dip to go with your drinking for something as scary as softball. Congratulations on the new computer!

Blogger angelatee said...

They bought your eggs? Rock on you fresh young thang. When that no longer became an option for me (once you're 29, the Chicago market shuts you out) I knew I was an old fart.

Blogger bandick said...

Hey Miss K,
I'm not brave enough for the softball team so I joined the company's kickball team! We play at recess, just before our afternoon naps. We actually start playing next month so I'm stopping this week to pick up a kickball to practice with at home. I imagine a black eye and/or skinned knee is in my immediate future. Good luck to you and your bod' in your athletic adventures.

Blogger Heather B. said...

What's Atari?


:-D

Blogger DC Cookie said...

Hope you went through an agency to get top dollar for your DNA. 20 grand was my minimum...

Blogger Jon said...

Great blog- Just found it today. (Don't ask me what I Googled!)

Blogger ❉ pixie ❉ said...

Only 4.5 more hours until a cocktail hits this hand—not that I'm counting.

Blogger Egan said...

Are you one of the few that buys shit from the SkyMall? I am honored to meet you. You said Atari.

I always find you by searching "Girls who reject J", and then I sift through a couple thou til I get to yours.

Did you get that new cool, MacBook?
Let me know what you got, because I'm thinking of getting a laptop too, so I can sit at the cool kids table at Starbucks.

Blogger JMai said...

Ooh, I did that once. It wasn't one of my better ideas.

I'm sure you'll be fantastic though!

Blogger Finn said...

Choocie: hoo hoo, girl parts, vagina.

I had more, but in the interest of good taste...

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

you slay me.

Blogger Cheetarah1980 said...

Tell me those weren't the real google search words! Please tell me that! Freaks!

Anonymous Jorge said...

I'm very glad y'all are making plans for my sleeping arrangements. Nothing beats snoring from floor level to wake the neighbours.

Thanks mama, for suggesting that my wife set me up with Jag. Luckily I hadn't had very much to drink, so it didn't really do anything but bring a smile to my face. Especially when I found out whose devious plan it was.

Good luck with softball. Remember, they are referring to the big white thing flying at you. Not the catcher's goods.

Blogger Megarita said...

See, I thought the horrors of softball were left on the school practice fields. I have nervous sweats just remembering those days. UGH.

Blogger t2ed said...

When I am completely out of husband points, I always remind Wife that at one point in her single life she was so desperate that she joined a co-ed softball team.

I'm sorry it has come to this for you.

Anonymous Sweet said...

Softball eh? You're a brave one. I was the one that was always stuck out in right field, and got on base by being walked!

Blogger Kris said...

wharman – don’t you worry. I have dip *and* a spectacular veggie tray. I’m not kidding.

angelatee – pardon my guffawing. I passed 29 a little bit ago . . . my eggs are now mostly used with Paas dye and for mischief night escapades . . .

bandick – yay! You are alive! :) Kickball sounds like an excellent adventure. I remember it fondly from the 80s - I loved the sound a kickball made when it hit the pavement and bounced into the groin of a fellow playmate . . .

Heather B. – I am going to run you over with my Rascal.

DC Cookie – I know, but I’ve seen your genes . . . my eggs were more like a blue-light special . . .

Jon – Yay! Come back! Even if you do come via “Florence Henderson covered in Canola oil.”

pixie – please tell me you’re still alive today! Hope it was fun.

Egan – Man o’ triathlon and Starbucks fainting fame, I did say Atari! I will be prouder to meet you someday when I finally get to Seattle.

Jerk of All Trades – Hi there you. No MacBook. I would sit next to you at the cool kids table, if I wasn’t at the table labeled “Kids with allergies to all artificial colors and flavorings and who hold their breath with their upper lip.” And scene.

JMai – You are too kind. I am fantastic at many things (I type quickly, feed my cats on a regular basis, yeah, that’s it) but I don’t think softball will be one of them. Thanks for your support, though! I hope you’ll visit in the hospital when I break my nose/replaced hip.

Megan – I was kidding. ;)

Spinning Girl – I’m sorry, sweets! Please know it was never my intention to maim or kill.

Cheetarah1980 – Oh yeah. They were SO the real words. I have a whole slew of ‘em I could share. And just remember, that guy next to you in line is probably the one who Googled it . . .

Jorge – Goods? I don’t understand your big, Canadian words . . .

Megarita – And again! More proof that we are kindred spirits. I sweat thinking about you thinking about it.

t2ed – we will so talk about this behind the bleachers after school. Softball is not spelled d-e-s-p-e-r-a-t-e. Several other things I’m doing are, but not that one.

Sweet – YOU HAVE SPELLED OUT MY MASTER PLAN! ;)

Anonymous Jorge said...

I always thought goods was an international word.

HeatherB is cruisin' too...

Blogger Lushy said...

Imagine my surprise when I found your blog with that search.

Blogger katie's brain said...

Kris, I think drinking is mandatory on most corporate ball teams!

Anonymous H.A.Page said...

Yep, those skuzzbos who lurk around the search engines in the wee hours of the morning are ick ick ick. The more we can put up sweet innocent things, the more they'll be snared by goodness and slowed down in their quest for muckety-muck.
Cheers...

Blogger Biscuit said...

Hey, at least they didn't get here from a site called Mature Women's Blogs, where there was a link to your site, thus insinuating that you were a "mature women."

Just sayin'.

Blogger Egan said...

People from the East Coast never come to Seattle. If, on the off chance they do, they seldom like it. It rains here all the time. Tons and tons of rain. The precipitation adds to our charming character.

Blogger Nat said...

Sweet, Jesus. I tried the company softball thing last year and it was a disaster. I screamed like a little girl when the ball would come all the way to left field where I was strategically placed to do the least amount of damage. It was frightning. Best of luck...

Blogger playfulinnc said...

I have this strange sensation that you bought the new macbook in black?

Anonymous Jacynth said...

SkyMall is my flight crack. I can't get enough!

Blogger JMai said...

Just wishing you a happy "Shit I can't stand about Blogger" day ... I didn't think you'd find my comment on the original post, but if it's to be an annual do, today's the day!

Made me laugh, particularly because I wrote a very similar post when I first started blogging.

Anonymous Maliavale said...

I like the image of the triumphant elephant. That should be a band: The Triumphant Elephants. The ones I always imagine are pink; I am not sure why.

I like May's first thing. Future, present or past (always and forever), I HEART DIPPIN' DOTS. Where can I get me some?

Blogger Lena said...

Can you puh-lease POST PICS OF YOUR NEW CROC LAPTOP CASE? I am in a state of laptop mobility emergency. Am I really using a freebie bag from Vickie's Secret? REALLY?

Blogger TJ said...

Good luck with the softball.

Remember, keep your eye on the ball.

(and depending on how much you've had to drink and how many balls you actually see--be safe and swing at the one in the middle...)

ps. Great pic from your Bahamas trip below, btw!

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