June 6, 2006
It pays to be hot.
I have a bone to pick. (I know, SHOCKER.)

In an insomnia-induced haze, I sat looking through the local paper last night at 2:30 am, wishing I had something other than wine, soup packets and melba rounds in the house. Given the DC housing craze, the paper was full of realtor ads and exorbitant sale prices that will force both myself and my peers to rent until our octogenarian years.

After three or four pages of such ads, something struck me as funny, and not in the ha-ha way, but in the ridiculous, why-was-Ethan-Hawke-ever-considered-a-sex-symbol kinda way. Each advertisement, whether it included a picture of the property in discussion, had a full head shot (and sometimes more) of the realtor.

Now why in Hades would I give a crap what my realtor looks like?

Honey, now here’s a fine looking realtor. Excellent bone structure, brows aren’t too thick. A little heavy on the blush, but we can work with that. And see? Her breasts are perky, which means she must be a nice person and a Christian. We can’t afford the asking price, but I don’t think that’s what’s important here.

Honey?

Ah, and maybe that’s what that ReMax balloon is all about.


That’s where they put the uglies, quarantined to float above the hot cheerleader realtors, selling properties with immaculately-manicured bushes and in-ground pools while pointing and laughing. I bet they make the uglies play clarinet in the balloon band, too.

I guess in some ways we never really do leave high school.

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38 Comments:

Anonymous Mrs. Jorge said...

Ooooo, look at me. The first one here! Yay me!

So why on earth were you awake at 2:30? The girl who is normally sleeping by 10?!? That's crazy talk. I hope all is well.

Good luck surviving today with such little sleep.

Later skater!

Blogger A Unique Alias said...

"In order to be successful, one must project an image of success at all times."
-Buddy Kane, Real Estate King;

"F^ck me, your majesty!!"
-That lady who played the wife.

American Beauty

Anonymous Jorge said...

I've never understood this phenomenon either.

Some friends and I wondered if ugly Real Estate agents actually ever sell anything (except out of pity).

Blogger Finn said...

I think the same photographer that did our high school yearbook pictures does those real estate pictures, too. Which only proves your theory.

Blogger Samantha said...

The funniest thing I've seen is the Real Estate agent that has a picture on the business card that is like twenty years old. um...dude you so don't look like that anymore.

I understand why someone who serves your food should look like they've washed recently. And I get why you don't want a fat personal trainer. But this one is beeyond me--the connection isn't there. Maybe realtors should show a picture of their own homes, that seems like a much more realistic way to judge who might find you the best house.

Blogger Heather B. said...

Had I known that you were up at 2:30, I would've texted you. I was up too! And you could've had some of my ginger cookies with me. Wheee. Insomnia makes me hyper!

Anonymous Eileen said...

I never got the realtor photo thing either. They all look like cheesy senior class pictures.

Blogger Freewheel said...

And we do car salesmen feel they have to "star" in their own homemade, low-quality TV commercials?

How's the bike search coming?

Blogger Freewheel said...

Pretend that "we" means "why" in my above comment.

Blogger Kris said...

Freewheel, it's cool. No one will make fun of you for being a car salesman.

An ugly realtor, maybe, but not a car salesman. ;)

Blogger Cheetarah1980 said...

are you saying that Ethan Hawke is now a realtor?

Blogger Egan said...

I love the Ethan Hawke bit. You know he writes books too. Is he considered a triple threat yet?

"....with immaculately-manicured bushes..." What exactly are you talking about here? Just asking.

Blogger iwanagain said...

My house has been on the market for nearly a year and it never dawned on me — my realtor is super ugly. I'll just get a little surgery, sell it myself and make enough money to pay for real estate school. Thanks wine girl.

Blogger MKD said...

Word, mofo.

http://sarcasticandcynical.blogspot.com/2006/04/shitty-bang-bang.html

Blogger Miss Scarlet said...

Wait a sec, *I* play the clarinet!!!

Blogger Kris said...
Blogger Hope said...

Every Sunday morning there's a show on in my area which shows houses on the market. After each house they put a picture of the realtor on the screen. I always wondered why too. None of the ones in our area are EVER attractive - a lot of women with big hair and weird hats and too much lipstick.

Blogger J said...

Do you get pictures of realtors on your shopping carts, too? We do. It's not a nice thing to do. And some of them ARE ugly, and I don't want their uglyness that close to my food. I know, I'm a snob. Not that I think I'm all that or anything, but I don't put my picture near other people's food.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Since when do we slam hot guys on this blog? I think it's great. Buy a house and get laid too - it's win-win!

Blogger Brookelina said...

Of course, that's for the male real estate agents. Of course.

Blogger Bridget Jones said...

Bonus! Great post and the comments are hilarious too!!!

yee haw!!!

Blogger Bridget Jones said...

p.s. SOOOOOOOO glad I don't play an instrument.

OK not a musical one.

Shut up, Bridg.

crickets.

Blogger Bill said...

Yes, the trauma of high school never leaves us. On the other hand, the realtor I use to have was old and ugly and knew his business - he made me a bundle.

A lot of those ugly ones have smarts!

Blogger goldennib said...

Ability is in direct proportion to how you look.

I guess since Realtors have their pictures in publications they think they are stars, which would explain why they are usually obnoxiously pushy.

Blogger twobuyfour said...

Heh heh. You said the cheerleaders have "immaculately-manicured bushes." *snicker*

Blogger Gwen said...

LOL. Most of my experiences with realtors have been less than pleasant, regardless of what they looked like. And most of the photos look absolutely nothing like the real person in them. In Chicago, there's a realtor who went solo and called his company "Hot Property" and the picture on the billboards is the same one he's had in the papers for decades. So you know he's no longer one ......

Blogger Sizzle said...

i was just thinking that same thing the other day- what is WITH the photos? here in The Cruz the "personal life coaches" and "astrologers" also feel the need to put their mug in their ad. the worst though? the ads for the tantric sex workshops- the couple is always so fugly with mullets and glazed over(-sexed) eyes. creepy!

Blogger Kiki said...

Housing in Oshkosh is rather cheap.; I say you move here.

Blogger Marissa said...

Hahaha! I love it. It's true - I think life is one big hellish version of high school. We can never escape it! The thought alone is a nightmare!

Blogger dasi said...

I never understood that. I think realtors are the ONLY people who have headshots on their business cards. Oh, wait - I think I met a magician who had his picture on the card - in full clown regalia.

Blogger kimmay said...

in cincinnati, their photos are plastered on the bus stop benches!! what's the need????

Blogger Cheryl said...

We definitely never leave high school, we just disguise it better.

Blogger Sandra said...

This is embarrassing but I saw a bus bench with a realtor once, and it said "The Brit With Grit" under his rather cute pic...I have a thing for British Guys so I made him my realtor. Turned out he was engaged and I wasn't able to bust that up before the wedding...but he got me a nice house.

Blogger JJ said...

Pretty people get more accomplished, they get more breaks, they're more successful, they make more money.

Why?

Because they deserve more.

Why?

Because they're pretty.

And if they don't put their pictures everywhere, how are you uspposed to know who the most beautiful realtor of them all is?

Blogger BabsieD said...

I'm not sure, although if I had seen a picture of my first realtor, I probably would have had maybe an inkling that she was a psychotic former schoolbus driver who liked to weave between lanes at about 40 mph on the Beltway while talking on her cell, beeping and waving and yelling out of her window to every bus we passed and not letting us escape from her minivan if she deemed (in her oversmoked husky baritone) "this ain't what you're looking for," to just about every house we pulled up to even when we insisted that yes, it really was (I was ready to buy any house just to get away).

But that's just me.

Blogger Aimée said...

awesome! we ARE the same person. I've never understood that and HILARIOUS use of balloon as ugly cage!

Blogger Smiley said...

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