August 24, 2005
Forgive me bloggers, for I have sinned.
Please let me confess. Let me get a few things off of my chest, just like this bullet bra I purchased when I once counseled sex offenders. You don't need to know all of this, but I figure we're all friends here, n'est-ce pas?

1) First things first. I keep a clothing journal. I know every outfit I have worn for the past two - let's be real - three years. Every day save weekend days. One might think that I keep this journal largely because I'm obsessed with myself (which simple upkeep of this blog does admittedly imply) or for reasons related to the fact that today I actually checked myself out in the office elevator while others were riding with me.

No. This is due to the fact that my matter (I can't remember if it's gray or white right now) is quickly deteriorating; I can hardly remember anything. While I can quickly recall the names of all of Demi and Bruce's children, I struggled recently to explain supply and demand. I forgot whether bludgeoning referred to stabbing or beating (utter blasphemy to the serial killer aficionado). But recognize that I refuse, friends, to wear that beige pencil skirt two weeks in a row. One must remember her priorities.

2) I ate crumbs off of my lap today. Not even a large crumb that surfaced after being lost in the crease of a pant. No no, fair readers, this was a particle of Baked Lays BBQ seasoning (I don't think they even use the entire word barbeque, as I'm pretty sure the FDA doesn't allow them to call ground hoof and snout actual barbeque). Not a chip. Not a flake of a chip. This was a particle of a bit of a twinkle of a chip. And I licked my finger, plucked it off my skirt before it could run away, and savored its goodness.

3) I hate - and by hate, I mean I would pick them last in gym class - those cards with small children photographed in black and white in adult clothes while acting out romantic scenes. They greet each other at the train station with roses while wearing size 12-18 mos. Burberry coats and top hats. He offers her tulips and it makes her widdle in her Pull-Ups. An intern then draws in their rosy cheeks.

It hurts, and you can't really convince me that it doesn't.

4) While we're at it, let it be known that I can't remember the last time I washed my entire back. I can't see it. I can't reach it. Frankly, I don't care all that much about it. Naturally, I ensure its protection by slathering it with sunscreen. But that's primarily due to the fear put into me by that graduation speech crafted by Kurt Vonnegut. Let's be honest with each other: there simply are not enough hours in the day to scour your feet, wash your back, and record what you wore to work that day.

5) And finally, hail Mary, mother of felines: I like one cat better than the other.

I need to go now. Hell is waiting, and the meter for my handbasket is almost up.


47 Comments:

Blogger t2ed said...

Those are nothing. We were swapping quirk stories after a staff meeting and we quickly found out we all are freaks. Some brief examples:

-she has to have the throw rug in the kitchen place exactly square on the linoleum pattern

-he has to scrub his walls if anyone touches them

-he has to separate M&M's into groups of 4 by color to eat them (spares are saved for next time)

-she has to have all her food separated on her plate and has to eat all of one item before moving on to the next

No, I don't work in a mental hospital. Though I think your clothing journal could probably go on that list above.

Note that we were all so creeped out that we vowed to never do this kind of "sharing" again.

Blogger JordanBaker said...

Maybe it's 'cause I'm slightly insane, but the clothing journal sounds like a really good idea. I'm constantly worried that my students think I own exactly 6 outfits per season and just rotate through the sequence.

Blogger Megarita said...

Thank god. I dislike precocious children as well. Don't get me started on Dakota Fanning. I especially hate quirky photographs of said children, including the sort you mentioned and the creepy ones by that woman who puts babies in various floral arrangements and fruit baskets. Weird weird weird.

And everyone likes one more than the other. You just can't say it out loud or vengeance will be sought!

Blogger Mel said...

Don't beat yourself up! We all have out little quirks... though I must admit, Kris. Yours are WAY out there!

Just kiddin ya.

The back thing? I'm there with ya.

And I like one cat better than the other too. Though I would NEVER EVER tell it to their precious little furry faces.

Ok, yeah. Save a seat for me in Hell.

Anonymous Jorge said...

1) I've never even heard of a clothing journal. I'm going to mark this down in my Chris personality quirk chart. Let's see here...Along the top...There it is! Odd. And now along the left column...Ah! Charming. This has now been checked under charmingly odd. A few more checkmarks and I'll be able to receive my Kris fan package. As for checking yourself out in the elevator...As long as you didn't make a pass at yourself, I think this is okay.

2) Nothing wrong with not letting food go to waste. Have you ever heard of the five second rule? Well, we have a rule called the 10 second extension. While camping, since nature is pure, food that touches the ground will not be as dirty as food that touches the ground in the city. Damn, I even have friends with a ten minute rule. And that's just for things that fall UNDER the couch.

3) These are cute. Although, really, there should be fair representation for all grown-up activities in these child acting scenes. Like, for instance, a bank holdup, or perhaps someone standing in an unemployment line...

4) You should hire someone for this. I'll do it (grugingly) for no less than $1000 per scrub. A fair deal. Cheaper than Dave with better service (I don't drool as much).

5) This is bound to happen sometime. Sometimes I like one more than the other, too.

I have a condo in Hell prepared for friends in just such an occasion. It's got a big screen TV and air conditioning. Oh yes, there are also seven pairs of bullet bras in the closet for emergencies.

Blogger Oh, that girl. said...

Hell is where all the cool people are going to be any way!

Blogger JJ said...

So, if I say something funny this week, can I say it again next week and it'll be like you heard it for the first time? If so, you could be the perfect girlfriend.

There's something chemically powerful about that stuff they spray on chips. It's not even flavoring, it's just chemicals and, I'm sure, created by mad scientists in their mountaintop labs.

LPOSOJZ

LiverPudlians Only Swing On JazZ

Anonymous Jorge said...

Lord..

By Chris I meant Kris.

I have failed Canada today.

Fuck.

Blogger oregano said...

This must be an extension of your neurosis post. These quirks are what make you so... precious. Yes. That is the word. Precious.

Blogger erin said...

i read this somewhere and thought it was funny:
"a psychotic is someone more nuerotic than his doctor."

i'll fess up too..just don't laugh(too hard):
-i do things in pairs: i smoke 2 cigarrettes when i go for a break, i order double prints of photos when i don't really need them, i always have 2 cups of coffee in the morning,etc. etc.--i always figure a second of anything might come in handy(i always lose things also, which might account for this little habit)
-in my quest to perceive myself as important, i come up with my own theme song every single day...i think this stems from watching too many movies
-i have a fascination with books and paper...I LOVE the smell of a new book and i go to the bookstore just to flip through books and smell the freshly printed pages, my second favorite thing is when the paper is warm after just coming out of the printer...like fresh baked cookies...
ok, i've sufficiently guaranteed my freak status...i'll just go now.

Blogger Kiki said...

You crack me up Kris.

I must admit, I too do not wash my entire back. You're not alone.

Blogger TinaPoPo said...

I don't wash my back OR my feet. They get dripped on. That's enough, right? No?

Also, I can't eat at Chili's because they have ceramic tile tables and I hate when the square cardboard coasters don't line up with the grouting. It distracts me so much I can't enjoy my meal. Sad.

Anonymous Neil said...

Wouldn't it be easier if you just wore the same outfit every day, then you wouldn't have to bother with this extra journal at all? You might end up smelling bad, but then again, you don't wash your back anyway.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

The older I get, the more I realize that all of us are neurotic, and it's normal. Sharing & laughing about it is one of my favorite things.
GREAT post!!!

Blogger babyjewels said...

Kris, what's next? are you going to tell me you don't like Anne Geddes. That's cold.

I use my hair like a windshield wiper to get my back. Oh, you're welcome.

word verification: wksre
why kris so really evil? think about it.

Blogger Sub Girl said...

that's awesome kris! lol at the clothing journal. it's something i would do, but didn't think of!

and no shame in eating crumbs. but um, what kind of crumbs were they??

i also don't watch my back. too lazy to wash places i can't reach. jk.

Anonymous Sanora said...

Kris:
I not only like one cat better but I do because I feel sorry for the other one because she's such a freaky, scaredy cat.

I wear two different earrings, one dangle celtic knot, one post diamond. I lost their mates. I don't want the earrings to get lonely because of my carelessness. You know that Ikea commercial where the lamp sits outside in the rain and music plays and suddenly the music shreeks to a stop, a harsh nordic voice comes on and says "It's an inanimate object why are you feeling sorry for it?" I have tears in my eyes every time. Freaky.

Blogger Danielle said...

our quirkwirks make us human... and, well, interesting. and you are very interesting kris!

Blogger Marissa said...

my sister-in-law recently told me she doesn't use soap when she showers...ever! she said it's because soap is so drying, so she just uses water. so, you're not alone in the not using soap on your back thing. in fact, i don't either - like you, i can't reach!

i have a million and one sins to atone for and strange quirks...guess we're both human!

Blogger Jason said...

I've obsessed over not being able to clean my complete back for years. Nice to know I'm not alone.

Blogger Slade said...

every once in a while the hubby jumps in the shower with me and we do the "I'll scrub your back if you scrub mine" routine...it always feels so good, I think just for the fact that it rarely gets a good washin'

speaking of having a favorite...I've always been worried that when I have kids, I'll have a fav...I truly hope that doesn't happen!

Blogger Meg said...

LMAO! This might just inspire a confessional post of my own here soon.

Blogger Andres said...

The back is like a blank page. Tattoo it!

Blogger Dave said...

I wish my profile pic was longer...

Blogger Sizzle said...

oh! i so hate those stupid cards too. :)

a clothing journal? that's smart thinking. too bad i don't give a crap if i wear the same jeans 3 days in a row.

maybe you should get one of those loofah thingies that are on a long stick? that might help. ;)

I hate those cards, too. I hate when little kids act like grown ups. It bothers me. Dakota Fanning is the devil, I'm convinced. What I also hate are the pictures of babies sleeping in stupid places like a giant flower or something.

Anonymous Poppi said...

Interesting blog. I enjoyed your site and will be back again. I also have a blog Big Poppi It pretty much covers who I am and what I do.
Come and check it out if you get time :-)

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

I wish my profile pic was shorter.

poppi, I think you might like this Special Treat

Blogger Poppy Cede said...

KRIS, you had me until #5!!! One furry kid more than the other?!

I take secret delight in wearing the same shirt or pants two weeks in a row, because nobody cares, but when one of my co-workers came back Monday from a two week trip I TOTALLY noticed that she was wearing the same outfit as the last day she was here before vacation. :)

Blogger lizzyjane said...

I hate those little children cards too!

One of my friends really loves those stupid things. I get them for birthday cards and whatnot. IT'S THE WORST.

Blogger MKD said...

This is probably one of the funniest, albeit saddest, things I’ve read in a long, long time. Thank you for that. BTW, they have “brushes” that are made for the sole purpose to clean one’s back. Just thought you should know.

Blogger KlevaBich said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Crap, had to go back and delete my post after checking out that perverse spammer. Don't want that dork (pun intended) posting "comments" on my site so today I'm anonymous...

Every time you shampoo your hair where does the suds go? That's correct, right down your back. Our old friend Gravity has been washing your back all this time!

The Kleva Bitch

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Baked Lays BBQ seasoned chips rock, I'd eat a crumb off the ground. (Feel better? Or worse?)

Those damn rosy cheeked children on greeting cards make me contemplate tubal ligation.

I scour my back and feet every day, but I have a lot of extra time as I do not keep a clothing journal.

I'm guessing the reason you like one cat better than the other has something to do with CAT HUMPING!



jlhdq

jolly lame hags don't quit

Blogger deanne said...

You know, to me this just sounds incredibly organised - keeping track of the clothing rotation - eating crumbs off the lap (there are starving children out there, eat up!), never washing your back (I mean, really, when does it ever get dirty y'know? And then, there's not much that just standing under the shower can't take care of).

I sympathise with the kiddie cards - what is this world coming to?

But y'know, I have to draw the line on the cat affair - how COULD you Kris, how COULD you!

Blogger Jackie said...

Hey K--

It's okay to not like those pics with the kids. Kids are not little tiny adults. They are kids!! Geeeeez, right?
I really hate those naked babies in flower pots. Weird. Creepy.

And that stuff they put on BBQ Baked Lays--whatever it is, it's better than crack. (Not that I've ever tried crack, I'm just saying).

I don't think you're alone on these things... :)

Just passing through, cool blog by the way.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Kris, you are incredibly popular for a woman who picks crumbs off her clothing. I am honored that such a popular chick frequents my blog.

Clothing journal?
Freak.

dqkksac
dairy queen knows kooky sacrament

Blogger Vince said...

In terms of #4, just get someone to do it for you. It's way more fun that way.

Blogger Jessica said...

Wish I had thought of the clothing journal hon! I'm having a flashback to a recent panicked phone conversation with the boy a few months ago. I was in tears, and begging him to remember what i'd worn that Monday so I wouldn't repeat clothes in the same week. Never mind the same 2 week period. The wardrobe has expanded a bit, but my memory is still shot! Thanks for the laugh girl!

dgvgx

dog-gone vixens getting x-rays!

Anonymous Jorge said...

Ah, Chorus,

You are so right.
De-bils suck ass.

Porridge

Blogger Nicole Criona said...

Holy cow - I separate M&M's by color and groups too. Yikes.

Blogger sassyassy said...

Girl, you are just too funny. My closet hobby is to make lists for absolutely everything. I have lists of lists. I also pick out the raisins in oatmeal raisin cookies and don't get me started on my paranoia of green jello.

thanks for the laughs

Blogger Wicked H said...

Bless you my child.

Continue with the clothing list, buy more BBQ Lays, it's ok to dislike the kids card, purchase a long loofah with handles to reach your entire back and the whole resaon for having more than one cat is so you can choose one over the other.

You are absolved!!!

Blogger The Zombieslayer said...

I hate - and by hate, I mean I would pick them last in gym class - those cards with small children photographed in black and white in adult clothes while acting out romantic scenes.

Me too.

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