May 12, 2005
If the menses frighten you, maybe you should read another of my entries.
Das cramps. Enough said.

I grew up dependent on an Advil/Tylenol cocktail and it worked its magic for many years. I then built up a tolerance for such simple meds and was forced to hit up peers for Nuprin, Motrin and even the hard prescription stuff that only moms seem to take. Throw in a hot water pad (which would have done more good if I had just poured the scalding water on my stomach - you know, to distract myself) and the myth that is "exercise will help to relieve the pain." Thanks to the guy that thought that last one up.

At this ripe age, with many moons still left, I have reached the point where there is nothing that will stifle the work of the trolls. For the love, why?

I have come to the conclusion that I am undoubtedly being punished. Cramps are clearly payback for:

1) the bonus of having breasts.
2) the time I (unintentionally) clotheslined that old lady at the mall.
3) the hatred I feel when one of the perfect women brags that she never gets cramps. Ok, well maybe it's also that I wish that she would have them, not all the time, but just enough that maybe she'd miss her jazzercise class in the synagogue basement. And maybe she'd not fit into her cute size 2 pants because her bloating had made her a pretty good size 4.
4) the sins of my mother.
5) my decision not to have children. The power above sends the trolls and their axes to my innards because I have done wrong; I am failing to procreate and instead try to count my cat as offspring.

Oh well, screw it. Quit looking at me that way and give me my chocolate back.



Anonymous your beau said...

I thought the old lady at the mall was your mom. Hang in there kid.

Anonymous Vermont Neighbor said...

It's menses frenzies! So guys, don't read any further.

Actually, you get my sympathy for that much pain and disruption. I knew a couple people like that and I'm sure you've checked out all the possibilities (endometriosis; hormone shots).

I met a girl at a record store once who was so nice and friendly. I was new to town. I was trying to get to know people. I later read in the paper she died of TSS! It was totally disturbing (duh), but she was young and healthy. And then to see her name in the paper like that. I never did wear tampons, never will. If it's supposed to come out, I'm not going to build a dam and fight nature. Anyway, her sad fate sealed my thinking.

The exercise thing maybe "helps", only between cycles. But hell, any hotsy totsy nazi who says get on a treadmill and walk it off is out of touch!

There's really a price for everything. I'm one of those size 2/4/6 people, but believe me there's a downside: hummingbird genetics. I've always responded to compliments with "thanks! I get to be thin! God made it up to me in other ways."

"Comes the pain of being Woman."

(PS... are these really our breasts? Or are we just the landlord for someone else's property!)

Blogger Leslie said...

Get on birth control. I used to have horrific cramps, headaches, night-sweats...Like I was going through menopause at 16 years old. Then I got on the pill...No more cramps, etc. AND my crater-face acne cleared up as well. I'm on Triphasil if you're looking for a good, low-dose, minimal side-effect pill. It's a "Sunday start" 28 day.

Or...I also found that Women's Tylenol (purple packaging) works better than Pamprin or whatever it's called. I call it "Tylenol PMS" and when my husband gets a headache I give it to him, then tell him he took "Tylenol PMS"...He gets pissed but it's funny.

But no, exercise doesn't do shit. Sometimes yoga does though. All the concentration on breathing and keeping poised just so makes you forget about your ails for a little while at least.

Good luck! Thanks for visiting my head (blog). I look forward to future visits and I will come back here too. I like you're writing style, so "out there" like me, direct, no bullshit, to the point and not afraid of the point.

Blogger lizzyjane said...

We all express ourselves in beautiful, creative and wonderful ways.

Bitching during PMS is my FAVORITE outlet.

Go ahead and eat that chocolate. If I was your friend and had your address, I would SO come over with the 3 newest flavors of ben and jerry's and a bottle of chocolate liquer.

Exercise, my ass.

Anonymous Vermont Neighbor said...

3 new flavors... have been invented... ?!

I may not agree with the boys and their politics but I love the little treasures they bury in their ice cream.

Blogger Mel said...

For-going motherhood? I have one word for you:


I knew someone who had to have it done because of bad menses issues... saved her life.

Have a piece of chocolate for me!

Blogger bandick said...

Well, if you aren't willing to consider getting knocked up to alleviate the cramps, I'm stumped.

I will tell you not to bother with those heating patches that you just stick right to your skin and wear all day. They work for shit. Plus, if you're off with your aim, you're in for an unexpected bikini wax.

Blogger Poppy Cede said...

I feel your pain. Well, actually, I feel my own pain each month, and it really hurts. Definitely lying on the couch eating chocolate is the only cure for this satanic ritual from which we cannot opt out. (Hysterectomies cause a different set of problems...)

Anonymous Vermont Neighbor said...

Supposedly, men get emotional once a month too. Cyclical.

Blogger lizzyjane said...

Dave Matthews Magic Brownies
The Gobfather
Oatmeal Cookie Chunk


Blogger Kris said...

Thanks for everyone's comments. I get the distinct sense that you do, indeed, feel my pain.

I'd like to note the absence of comments from the frequent male visitors to this blog . . .

Maybe they should be called Womanses . . .

Blogger Dawn said...

I take a bunch of sleeping pills and just sleep through all the bad stuff...I only wake up for chocolate.

Anonymous Vermont Neighbor said...

You're right Kris. Where are the guys?! Some first-hand reports from the field would have been interesting.

Just saw a little blurb that says drink chamomile tea for relief of cramps. 5 cups a day, supposedly to relax the bladder.

Chocolate or a boring cup of tea? Hmm, tough decision!

Blogger Carol Danvers said...

My cramps get so bad sometimes that I can't walk. It's pretty nasty. But they were definitely better when I was on the Pill. So maybe try that - as long as you can find a pharmacist who will fill your prescription (have you girls read this story?? Absolutely HORRIFYING.)

We definitely feel your pain (and I'm sure they guys do as well - they are just being smart by keeping quiet, methinks!)


Anonymous Vermont Neighbor said...

Also, the pill has side benefits. Keeps the breasts high and perky. No drooping. I went to a mamm. x-ray and they said my doorstops are in good condition because of 10 years on the pill.

Blogger lauren emily said...

Just curious: Why did you decide to not have kids? Not that I think that's a bad decision, cause I'm 25 and have no clue if I ever will...

Blogger It's Me, Maven... said...

I think it should be mandatory for all men (well, all straight men) to sit through a discussion on the "Menses Frenzies." It's a small price to pay when you consider most men view a vagina as a playground in our pants. There's a lot of unpleasantness surrounding vaginas, besides being a recepticle for man-chowder and being a recipient of foreplay which at times borders on clit & vag abuse: cramps, bloating, acne, boob tenderness, clots that make you think you're passing a horse-embryo, mood swings, night sweats, irritability, irrationality... the list goes on and on.

If given the choice between oxycleaning out some seriously mensefied panties and listening to us grouse about feeling like shit, I dare say men would prefer the latter of the two.

Anonymous kristi said...

I'm new to reading your blog and am really enjoying it. Caffeine makes them 100 times worse -- you should try to avoid it slightly before and during your time...

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