April 28, 2005
I'm on a totally different plane
I have a fear of flying and it makes me do strange things.

I ended up in a cockpit once. This was pre 9/11, even pre 9/11 1998, and I was on a flight from Newark to London. I hit up an MD to give me some valium, took five on the five-hour flight, and drank so many mini-bottles of white wine that I stopped being able to count. For much of the last half of the trip I played the role of cruise director, wandering the 747 with a smile and making idle inflight conversation.

I applauded loudly when the plane touched down, but not before I discovered free tampons in the plane bathroom and defied the voices that told me to pull down my oxygen mask. I was alive. I was drunk as all getup, and my parents were waiting for me at the other end of the customs line, but I was alive. I was the last one off the plane, and I begged the flight attendant to let me meet the Captain and Tenille who had helped me to glide gracefully across the pond. She agreed.

I should never have asked. As the cockpit door flung open, I was disturbed to see that all three pilots were between 30 and 32 years of age and wore hoop or diamond stud earrings. One looked like Scott Baio. Even my excessive vino consumption could not double their 12 years of combined flight experience. I left quietly, emotionally scarred, on the cusp of a hangover and without my AA wings.

I still bring my own supply of white wine when I fly. It has helped me to get over much of the agony I once associated with the skies. I have never, however, gotten over the thrill of free tampons or, for that matter, Scott Baio.

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7 Comments:

Anonymous your whipping boy said...

Hell knows no fury like Kris delayed during a layover or hungover during a delay. But I know. It is drunken evil in its purest form.

Blogger Mel said...

Scott Biao... yummy.

Anything "free" is the shit. But free shit is better when you are drunk!

Blogger Kris said...

Mel and Scott Baio are en fuego!!!

Blogger bandick said...

That is so weird. I JUST discovered the free tampons on my last flight. I wanted to run up and down the cabin yelling, "Free tampons, ladies. Did you know there are free tampons?"

And before I became a former lush, you know, when I was just a lush, I once was "confined" to first class because I was so chatty with the other passengers.

I wouldn't mind a Scott Baio pilot though because at least he'll have stamina. My pilots always seem to have the look of someone who might have a coronary somewhere over Utah.

Anonymous your whipping boy said...

Scott Baio Pilot? If one more C list celeb does a reality show I'll....

F-it. I'm hungover. Wake me when they announce Ashley Judd is single again.

Anonymous Vermont Neighbor said...

12 years' combined experience!!Yep, the white wine could never cover for that.

We like our pilots to look like astronauts..... come on, we do! Chiseled features, strength under pressure, the ability to land that goose under any condition.

Good thing you did *not* mention the airline (or maybe I'm trying to block it out). It's best to enjoy a fancy-free blog, sans lawsuits!

Blogger Beth said...

What do you do about bringing your own supply of white wine on flights, now that fluids are forbidden? Or have they dropped that new rule yet... it's been a while since I've flown anywhere.

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