May 9, 2005
Bug me tender
My cat is the devil.

Well, not all the time. Just when I'm attempting to sleep, and usually when I pass out on the couch, overdosing on too much Justice Files.

Bug likes to sleep on the back of said couch, watching down over me while I slumber. When I'm awake, he is docile and sweet, his furry body stretched out, head often turned upside down to expose his very white chin. Sometimes he moves while dreaming, and his tiny ears flutter. Precious.

Right around 3 am, when I am probably my deepest in REM, Bug's alter ego (the one who would be wearing a black patch over his eye if this were a soap) comes alive. It began with Bug just patting on my eyes and nose until I woke up. Somebody loves me, I used to think. But then something much more sinister took hold. Literally.

Bug now hooks me in the nostril until I awaken or bleed, whichever comes first. Half asleep, I've seen him do it. He comes at me from his perch, paw outstretched as if he just wants to tap me sweetly. A mere two inches from my face, he flips his paw over, extends his nails, and inserts one into my right nostril. And then he pulls as hard as he can. Somebody is trying to kill me, I now think.

The pain is indescribable. I picture it being similar to having your nose pierced by the 14-year-old assistant manager at Claire's Boutique on her first day using the piercing gun.

Bug has no formal training, does not use alcohol wipes prior to piercing, and regularly walks around in a box containing his feces.

This has got to stop.

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9 Comments:

Anonymous your beau said...

He only does that when the current crime drama to which you fell asleep is a rerun.

Blogger oregano said...

I use to wake in the middle of the night with my cat fully stretch out across my neck. I could still breathe and was fairly certain that I would be in no danger so long as I let her continue to sleep.

Blogger lizzyjane said...

CLOSE YOUR BEDROOM DOOR

Anonymous Vermont Neighbor said...

So Bug is either a) as cute as a bug... b) flying around the room like a bug... c) known to bug you during crime shows... or d) a little love-bug; the type of bug you never recover from!

Maybe you could hang one of those flying synthetic mice in the doorway?

Blogger Mel said...

Sounds like my cats, only they attack my scalp in the middle of the night. I had to start cutting their nails VERY short so it wouldn't be painful.

Last resort... declaw. I don't believe in this practice at all, but at the same time you wouldn't want to get ecoli from little Buggers.... bad kitty...

Anonymous Jessie said...

Love it! My cat is a serial licker. I doze off and she's trying to suck face with me. It's not a bloody affair but it's just as annoying. Gotta love em' though.

Anonymous Vermont Neighbor said...

the sooner you relinquish your rights and your house to the obvious owner, you'll both be happier. Bug is waiitng for you to come to your senses.

Blogger Carol Danvers said...

Very cute. My cat does the same thing - and she knows I hate it, so she'll wait until that very edge of sleep to reach out and claw me. But the way she curls up against me after she calms down makes up for it... :)

Blogger oregano said...

I must thank you for the link. Half my new visitors are coming from your site.

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