May 28, 2008
sounds like a plan
There are days when so many things seem like a good idea. Like giving yourself a pedicure without your contacts in or cutting the cat’s hair with your kitchen scissors. You think through the details, the process, if it’s doable, within reason, will it be painful, exciting, at the very least bloggable? If it makes it past this first set of criteria, it’s almost a go. But I’m a big outcome girl, too. So then I consider pretty much every possible result, good and bad and otherwise acceptable. This part of the process seems a curse of therapy, one even further ingrained given that I’ve been on both sides: “And if that happens, what would it mean? And would those thoughts help or hurt me? And is madras ever really appropriate on a man?” If the angst on this decision tree limb doesn’t kill me, I fold my thoughts nicely like I do napkins at anxious family dinners, and promptly choose to do something I wish that I hadn’t.

On those days, there should be a panic button that should fall from the ceiling, just like an airplane oxygen mask, and when it knocks me in the forehead it should summon minions to lock up my cell phone, my laptop, and my memories of my mother giving my sister the bigger bowl of ice cream when I was 7. The minions should cage me in comfortable clothing that does not make me feel fat, allow me out in five-minute increments that do not involve emotional segments of the movie Rudy, and steer me away from mirrors and whatever box of carbohydrates made it home with me after work. Phone numbers/pictures/memorabilia of dead loved ones/ex boyfriends/transients will be stowed away swiftly to avoid nostalgia and/or having a heart. Properly bedazzled muzzles will be used as appropriate. And all alcoholic beverages, including cough drops and fancy chocolates hiding that demonic nectar, will be removed from the home. At least overnight. Or until I’m only cutting my own hair with the kitchen scissors.


14 Comments:

Blogger Paige Jennifer said...

Wait, there are kitchen scissors? You mean I don't use my rusty office scissors to cut the ends off my asparagus...? Go figure.

Blogger t2ed said...

I thought the same poultry scissors I use to trim chicken were for bangs as well.

Blogger Lucy Rhode said...

I've used kitchen scissors in place of screw drivers, staple removers and arm extenders. (Ugh! I'm too short to reach that heavy 'this or that'. Wait! I'll use my kitchen scissors to grasp the edge and pull . . . Ouch!)

Who hasn't perfomred minor surgery with kitchen scissors?

Cutting my cat's hair with kitchen scissors sounds more than intriguing. I hope I forget that suggestion before the end of this business trip.

Blogger Ulysses said...

Can't wait to see the new do. And the new ears possibly

Blogger John said...

I wanna watch Rudy with you. And when he's accepted at Notre Dame, I will fix you a really big bowl of ice cream. : )

Blogger The Ex said...

What's wrong with Madras on a man, exactly? I happen to be a fan! :)

Blogger KB said...

oh my god. i know that feeling. :( i'm sorry.

Blogger nicalyse said...

My "good ideas" usually involve alcohol. Then comes the chaos. Which typically leads to good stories.

Blogger Ariel said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

Anonymous ariel said...

At least after you realize it may have not been the best idea you have something to leave us to ponder ;) I sincerely disagree about removing alcohol, however, and suggest just having an iv of merlot inserted instead.

Blogger bleeding espresso said...

So weird, because just the other day I gave myself a pedicure without putting in contacts or wearing my glasses. Yeah, not well-thought out *at all* that one.

In case you're wondering, I (ironically) *was* wearing my contacts when I removed the polish from my nails, toes, and (I have no idea how this happened) the soles of my feet....

Anonymous Oona McCafferty said...

I got in trouble in the first grade for cutting my own hair during class. I was hiding bunches of it in my desk.

OpenID redstaplernation said...

You do know the best way to remove alcoholic beverages from your home, right?

Hint: You'd better be thirsty.

Blogger bandick said...

Did the cat get gum stuck in his fur again?

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