November 13, 2007
Peace on Earth Good Will Toward Men, Even the Ones Who Don't Call When They Say They Will
It’s holiday time again. I look forward to baking dozens of sugar cookies and learning how to ice them with that thick, cool icing that women who read Martha’s magazine do. I will await the delivery of my fresh pine wreath, resplendent with its traditional satin red bow. I love that wreath so much that I often leave it up until March. And then I sweep the hallway clear of dead needles until the Christmas rolls around again. I will smother any bitterness I feel during the drudgery that is writing holiday cards, instead remembering that I am sharing the love and joy of the holiday season with those I care about most. Don’t feel badly if you don’t receive one. I just care about you medium.

I vow to smile at children and not kick them as they get loose from the mall Santa line, running into me in my three-inch heel boots as I attempt to balance a tray of Taco Bell burritos. I will sing along to Madonna’s Santa Baby, even though we all know the sound of her cutesy, boopy voice can curdle milk. I will curb the urge to fling my window scraper at the overzealous neighbor who greets me at the wrong decibel when my car door has frozen shut. I will not freak out, will not yell and tug at my spare flesh tire, when I gain 10 pounds as the result of eating a box of Triscuits and a can of easy cheese, a saucepan full of Stove Top stuffing, and whatever butter is left in the fridge. At 3 am. Just because. I will not jump out of my car and pummel the guy in front of me because he thinks one should brake every three seconds when it’s snowing. I will be immersed in love and joy. Fa la la la la.

I will get into the spirit of the freaking holidays if I have to glue mistletoe to my dry, flaking forehead. I will share my joy with my offspring, super glueing bows to their heads and making them pose for family photos to be plastered on a soon-to-be-gifted mug or calendar. I will then soothe the resulting scratches with a cinnamon and pumpkin pie paste, sure to bring the scent of the season to all in my midst. I will stifle frustration when the irritating Salvation Army ringer asks me for a donation when I already gave on the trip inside. Five minutes prior. AM I NOT AT ALL MEMORABLE? I will smile and agree to her infinite cuteness when a beaming parent tells me about her child playing Mary in the Christmas Eve service, and will ask myself if no one cares that Mary had no sex, like, for life. I will continue driving, and will not further contemplate breaking down the damn door, when I attempt to drown a family evening with Pinot Noir and my corner store has closed early due to what at least one of my friends calls “increment weather.” I will not berate the televised yule log that burns for no one in particular. I am going to enjoy these holidays, come hell, high water or those freaking door-to-door carolers that we’re all too nice to send the way of the Mormons. Oh I will be joyous. Dammit.


33 Comments:

Blogger Sizzle said...

good luck with that. ;)

Blogger Nicole said...

Why bother even trying when god gave us Pinot Noir?

Blogger Sturdy Girl said...

I have days like this where I make these kind of claims. Then I sober up.

Good luck. Eat least make the cookies. What the hell.

Blogger Skyzi said...

Happy. Holidays.

Blogger I-66 said...

Is this where I get on the list to get some of your sugar cookies?

I'm just glad I can ask that question without worry of being slapped.

Blogger kris said...

I am filled with Christ's love!

Blogger hilary said...

A cinnamon and pumpkin pie paste salve?! Does it really work? Hmm...guess there's only one way to find out...here kitty kitty. At least it will be delicious.
And happy stupid holidays to you!

Blogger kitkat said...

"Increment weather." Brilliant.

I have to admit, I love the idea of carolers, although I would feel a little awkward if they came to my door. Are you just supposed to stand there in the doorway?

Blogger Paige Jennifer said...

Don't hate me but I like the holidays. Well, except for the fuckers who curse me as I ring them up and inform them we are out of boxes. Because Jesus was all about the box. No, those assholes can rot in hell. But the kind ones? Like the bakers up the street who in the spirit of giving back load me up with cupcakes free of charge to bring to sick kids at the Ronald McDonald House? Those people make the holidays worthwhile.

Blogger kris said...

And those people can suck it, PJ. wuh?

Blogger Kim said...

Mary? You mean Mary Christ? I still say that's her last name.

What about the part where you get wasted on my birthday and I have to drive you home? I didn't see that in there anywhere.

Blogger Ulysses said...

I shoulda thought to ask you before, thanks for reminding me: what wine is it that goes with triscuts/EZcheese/StoveTop/butter/3 AM? I keep forgetting...

Blogger kris said...

Anything boxed, prolly . . .

Blogger Lawyer Mama said...

You can always staple the bows to their heads if the glue doesn't work.

Blogger twobuyfour said...

It sounds like you have the right idea, anyway. And it seems like you're coming to your decision knowing full well the great big pain in the ass the holidays can be. That's good!

I wish you luck.

Blogger twobuyfour said...

It sounds like you have the right idea, anyway. And it seems like you're coming to your decision knowing full well the great big pain in the ass the holidays can be. That's good!

I wish you luck.

Blogger Heather said...

uh huh...

I have offspring of the human kind and I'm not even going to put in that kind of effort.

so... good luck with that!

Blogger WildbillthePirate said...

You left out the part about the Fruitcake! Someone nearly always give me a ner-totally inedible Fruitcake. Here's what I do to get rid of it: I soak it for at least a week in Rum (151), slice it, then take it to any Holiday party I'm invited to. Talk about your spreading Holiday Cheer! It disappears in under 10 minutes and someone needs a cab ride home after desert. Joy!

Blogger Nina said...

I close my eyes the day before Thanksgiving and I do not open them again until the day after Valentine's Day.

Blogger t2ed said...

I resolve the enjoy the Christmas display in Target that appears the day after Halloween.

I resolve to enjoy the muzak xmas carols that have already started at my mall.

I resolve that I won't put the people in the nativity scene in compromising positions this year. Okay, maybe just the animals.

Blogger Jorge said...

It bothers me that good will needs a holiday.

Shouldn't this happen all the time?

People who hate the holidays just don't have enough of me in their lives.

;)

Blogger Nettie said...

I have printed these words of wisome and pasted them throughout my home, cube and vehicle as a reminder. Thank you. Thank God for wine!

Blogger The Hotfessional said...

Well, Jolly St. Kris, if your sleigh brings you to anywhere near Ann Arbor, make sure you let me know. I have just the box of wine that we can celebrate with.

Blogger Maliavale said...

You give those motherfuckers THE BUSINESS!

And then drink some holiday wine.

Also, Madonna has a version of "Santa Baby"? Bitch.

Blogger gorillabuns said...

am i on your medium friend christmas card list or even better yet, on the "not even registering on my meter" list?

Blogger Bridget Jones said...

Thank you Kris!! I thought that I was the only female on earth who thinks like that at this time of year.

And yeah, I keep wondering how Mary stood that too.

Blogger Ulysses said...

I found one in a bottle named Panacea. Nope, no truth in advertising there. Thankfully, there's still plenty left in that box in the fridge.

Blogger Carrie said...

Yeah.. that's why every holiday get-together has copious amounts of wine. And why after said wine is finished I enjoy the get togethers just a little bit more.

Blogger Real Live Lesbian said...

You would KILL me if I were your neighbor. I love the holidays! Is it TOO early to put out my lighted deer in the yard? Hmmm...guess I'll wait until next Friday then.

Happy Christmastime!

Blogger Ripe for Reading said...

Where do you get your pine wreath from?

Blogger Christina said...

*evil cackle*

I usually paste a thanksgiving tree to my front door, then take that down for the wreath. We attend all the kids' happy fun-time craft crap, so end up with a million tons of glitter-bedecked foam snowflakes and paper stars. *gag*

I despise holiday music unless I'm the one playing it (cracked or rare versions only please), and for some odd reason, you get dirty looks when you sing along to "Wreck the Malls" Fa la la la la la Ha Ha HA!

Blogger Caroline said...

I LOVE LOVE LOVE this post. Esp the part about not kicking the kids in the mall. haha.... I vowed to enjoy the holidays this year, but after reading this post, WHY BOTHER??
Caroline

Blogger Chris said...

"I will share my joy with my offspring, super glueing bows to their heads and making them pose for family photos to be plastered on a soon-to-be-gifted mug or calendar. I will then soothe the resulting scratches with a cinnamon and pumpkin pie paste..."

Sounds exactly like my house.

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