February 23, 2007
Revelations
Mom wears pantyhose to the Safeway. This may not mean a lot to you, as many mothers may don expensive socks that invariably rip while they maneuver 30-pound jagged-edged metal vehicles around a grocery store, but it's telling. I have never seen my mother in jeans, not once - not ever - in my 33 years. I am quite sure that I have never heard her say the word "balls," not even to refer to a sporting element or snow sphere; I can say with some certainty that she told friends at her luxury compound that her daughter took up "soft lobbing" for the company team last spring.

Over slices of pizza at Costco, then, it might surprise even you that Mom suggested my sister and I get the new HPV vaccine.

You see, I've been struggling lately with boundaries, and the idea that I should buy some, if not at Costco, at a therapy session nearby. Moms don't need to know a lot that we tell them about our lives, with the happy exception of my sister smoking a lot in high school and taking the grey Caddy out for many an unchaperoned late-night excursion - that they HAD to know - but I have the genetic mutation that causes me to spew spontaneously details that should remain solely mine.

Like how much credit card debt I'm carrying.

Like that time a boyfriend told me he didn't feel comfortable around them.

Like the fact that sometimes I don't like to wear underwear.

I reveal things I shouldn't about how much I paid for highlights and a handbag in one God foresaken paycheck and that I won't be able to call because I won't be home until 3 am. But I have not once - and I mean ever - talked to my mother about sex. Thus my response.

"We can't, Mom." I said. "We're too old."

It's a truthitude. Rumor has it that both beauty and the vaccine cap at age 26.

"But you haven't had sex yet," she responded.

And I thought of how I'd be bursting her bubble, and how I'd made it three decades with one final boundary intact. And as I shoved more delicious crust in my mouth, I also considered that for 33 years, Mom has thought in some ways that I'm someone I'm not. And so I said it.

"Mom," I started. "Come on now. Wouldn't you feel sorry for me if I hadn't had sex in 33 years? Please."

And I paused. And I didn't have to wait long.

"No."

And that was it. And that's as close as we're going to get to it. In her eyes, her daughter will die a virgin, and I'm left looking for boundaries out for pick up by the curb.

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35 Comments:

Blogger abbersnail said...

Sweet jeebus, do I admire you for saying it! Because I've had that borderline conversation with my mom (and dad!!!) more times than I can count, and I've become a master of evasion. Why do they ask? Why?????

Blogger yournamehere said...

You've done the devil's business? You naughty, naughty girl.

Blogger Matt said...

Though I was a bit over-protected, I was shy as a child.

My first-grade teacher told my parents that toward the end of the year when she noticed me talking in class she decided not to chastise me because she was happy I was socializing.

When I stayed out all night once as a 16 year-old at a girl's house, rolling in around 7 in the morning, they said not a word.

Blogger Beth said...

I never tell my parents what I do, have done, or am thinking of doing, on the grounds that they would probably both have heart attacks if they had even the slightest inkling about my behaviour. I believe this is a sound policy.

Anonymous girl and dog said...

My 40 year-old boyfriend's mother swears he's still a virgin because he's never been married. Um, news flash...

Don't feel too badly; I have the same genetic defect as you. I've been known to constantly blurt stuff out and then slam my head against the steering wheel. "Stupid, stupid, stupid!!!"

Blogger Marisa said...

bown-dur-eez?
what is this thing you speak of?

Blogger Bill said...

Just as a head's up ...I've found that as time goes by parents and their kids are slowly worn down by maintaining those boundaries and by life in general. Then all bets are off and anything goes. They'll talk about anything and everything and it's quite hair-raising.

"Your father had no ass. How good could the sex have been with a man who has no ass?"

Mom? Is that really you?

Anonymous Anonymous said...

When I was 22 and living with a guy my mother informed me her and dad had sex more in a week than I did in a month. Whoa, my mom was of the June Cleaver variety in my eyes until that conversation!

Ok, one other slip up on her part? Saying 'OH MY!' when seeing my BF of mine in speedo's when I was 16. He was rather large ;) I of course played dumb, heh

Blogger Miss Scarlet said...

I keep everything private from my parentals. I do wonder what they think I do, though.

Anonymous Jorge said...

Parents, like the government, have no business in the bedroom.

I was brought in a little bag by a pelican.

They were all out of storks.

Blogger Momcani said...

Parents just know. I came home at 3:30 in the morning and my Mom ask me point blank "You had sex with that man, didn't you? Not that I blame you." What do you do when Mom says something like that? I have 4 kids, so I guess she can't kid herself that I am still a virgin, but that means that she...... Sorry I can't go there!

Anonymous Jurgen Nation said...

Dude. You've had sex?!

But we met at the Virgin Friends Retreat! You BITCH!

Blogger Megarita said...

Adorable.

I have to tell you, though, you're not too old for the vaccine. I'm probably gonna get hooked up myself, and we're about the same age. Can't hurt, I reckon...

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

That is sweet, in a way.

Blogger Oh, The Joys said...

It makes me wonder what your mom's experiences with sex were like.

Blogger Keith said...

Kris, Suze Orman you are not.

Anonymous josie said...

I have tons of boundaries where my parents are concerned. My Mom not so much.
After my parents divorced and my Mom started dating again, she called me up one night to ask about condoms, how she could let this man know she was ready to do the deed, etc. I still have nightmares about that conversation.

Blogger Tracy Lynn said...

And here I thought you were a NICE girl. :-P

My mom, bless her little black heart, knows me very well, and has no illusions about what I have and haven't done. Although she does insist that I'm a nice person, which is funny, because she knows me.

Blogger Maethane Boy said...

Isn't there a Shins song - "Caring is Creepy"
And Bill is right to give you a head's up about your future interactions with the parental units.

Blogger Courtney said...

Well, my mother read my "lap Dance" post... and now she thinks I might be a lesbian. Further, she told me I should probably break up with my boyfriend because, "It's just not fair to lead him on if it's girls you want, dear."

*blink blink*

Thanks mom.

Blogger whiskeymarie said...

My mom started telling me about her & my Dad's sex life when I was 19. Ick, ick, ick. She also started dishing the "dirty family secrets" which at the time I was appalled to hear. She died when I was 20. When I was 21, I walked in on my bf & some skanky chick. Naked. Post-coital. I wanted to call my mom, but had to call my Dad instead. I'm sure it was hard to hear, but he listened. I don't think he ever looked at me the same way again. He knew I had sex.
But, on the flip side, at least I know all his secrets, and there's a few doozies.

Anonymous zandria said...

I can't quite decide if it's cute that your mom is so delusional, or somewhat disturbing. :)

Blogger Karen said...

That is adorable. I could tell my mom anything. Heck, she was an OB/GYN - she knew unmarried people had sex.

But when I was about 27 and had been dating the same guy for nearly 5 years, I made a passing comment about a having sex in front of my brother, who is a year older than I am. He was so shocked/angry that I was not still a virgin that he didn't speak to me for over a month. People wear pretty thick blinders sometimes!

Anonymous pagdaloy said...

cute... your mom is cute, kris.

Blogger Sanora said...

I remember when I was 17 years old I had a friend whose father was a doctor who told her that if any of us wanted birth control, we just had to get permission from our parents and he would prescribe it....cut to....having a conversation with my mom:

"Maren said if you guys say it's okay, I can get pills from her dad."

"Have you had sex or are you thinking about it?"

Me, now shy about saying I've actually done it...

"Thinking about it..."

"My advice is .... don't"

END OF DISCUSSION

Now the ironic thing is, my mom years earlier actually DID and - badabing - first child older brother, Mike, was born 7 months after the wedding. The second irony is that when I was 9 we were all sat in the order we genuflected and told we were atheists - why? because my mom after 6 kids wanted to go on birth control....

I'M JUST SAYIN'

Anonymous Anonymous said...

My mom just started sending me coupons for KY "intimacy aides" in the mail. I wish she hadn't gone there...

Blogger Wicked H said...

Born again Virgins!!

Yea, that's the ticket!

Blogger Kelly said...

Hehehehehehehe!

Anonymous mrs. j said...

Oh, you're killing me! That is too funny.

You're welcome to my mom if you want. I was raised with the following advise:
"Live with a man and have sex with a man before you get married....because your father was a lousy lover". And then she sent me off to uni with her leftover glow in the dark condoms that she didn't need any more because her boyfriend "tested clean".

Yah, that didn't scar me for life!

:)

Blogger Pink Lemonade Diva said...

these comments are as fantastic as that post.

Blogger justjenny said...

This is great. When I was dating the last serious boyfriend I had that actually got serious enough to meet the parents (that's a long time ago), both my parents and my grandmother approached me at different points after that, looked seriously into my eyes, and said exactly the same thing: "We really like this guy. We just want you to know it's okay to have sex with him."

Anonymous becky said...

ahahahaha! are your mom and mine sisters?

glad you stopped by on flickr. :*

Blogger Fraulein N said...

Awww. My mom takes the willful cluelessness a step farther; I doubt she's even utter the word "sex" to me.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok I've never left a comment before but this post was too funny not to say anything . . . my mom definitely believed my siblings and I would remain virginal until married--and she was always advising us to wait till our 30s to get hitched. She really believed that's the way it would go . . . and she proclaimed she was a bad mother when she discovered, one by one, that none of us made it.

Blogger Valery said...

Can you imagine how scared am I before meeting his parents, my boyfriend has told me that his parents are just like yours mom...

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