November 10, 2005
“I can't believe I gave my panties to a geek!” Times two.
Today is my birthday. Now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, I hope you will find it in your loving heart to leave good wishes (read: may your breasts not continue to sag toward your ankles*, **) to appease the comment/attention/gift/monetary remuneration whore you know I am.

Birthdays tend to go by without much to do for me, but the years they border have always been significant. Age 6. I can’t remember what I did for that birthday, but I recall spending the year attending an American school in London and being reprimanded for planting a kiss on a female classmate’s cheek. Within the year I would first play doctor while at a dinner party, utilizing miniature toy kitchen utensils. An adult walked in on us and I stood there incredulous while my patient zipped up his Healthtex pants. And thus began my undying quest for booty. (Strangely enough, this early sexual encounter lived well beyond our time as tykes living in England; we ended up attending the same New Jersey high school and frequently ignored each other in gym class, plagued by what could have been . . . )

Age 16. I’m lying. I remember this party well. A surprise that didn’t end up being quite the moment my family had hoped thanks to a freak snowstorm that revealed 30 pairs of teen footprints leading up to my back door. Someone brought a copy of Eddie Murphy RAW to the bash and my mother made an array of disapproving, I-wish-I-was-Catholic-to-smack-down-the-extra-guilt-on-you faces from the kitchen while Eddie talked about $*@!ing hos. We played Billy Joel songs on my Casio keyboard and a few friends played ping pong on the full-size table my parents erected in our den. God, we were dorks.

Age 22. My parents moved overseas. My sister and I regularly shared holidays huddled alone like orphans and comforted ourselves by eating heartily at hotel buffets. Upon moving in to my first home in the area, I immediately drove my 1987 LeBaron around the block five times because I couldn’t believe you could see the Washington Monument from the top of my street. I had sex one day and didn’t think much of it; clearly I didn’t know it would be four years before I’d do it again. (Don’t obsess over it; it’s a whole other post and you’ll be thankful to know that the streak is long over.)

Age 28. My first cat found me at a dive restaurant in rural Florida and I became a life-long dog person now bordering on feline obsession. He peed in the back of my ex’s Subaru and I got a teeny bit of gratification from it. I took Benadryl for the first time at my friend Kim’s house and passed out so hard I had to be carried to the car. I defended my thesis, left Florida, and Mom and Dad became my roommates for the first time in a decade. I had sex in a twin bed. Several times.

Ages 29, 30, 31. I drank my first Irish Car Bomb. I had a dream about marrying Dave Grohl and moving to rural Virginia, however the bubble popped when I realized I am vehemently opposed to both polygamy and rustic living. I fully embraced my love of crappy pop music by buying my first Britney Spears and Kelly Clarkson CDs. I was promoted. In a drunken Caps game moment I introduced my soon-to-be beau to my ex by saying, “This is Ronny. We used to have sex.” My best friend scared the crap out of me by going out and getting herself some blood clots. I saw a real mountain, mountain, went to California, and blogged for the first time. I told the beau I loved him for the first time in the feminine hygiene aisle of the CVS. I revealed my irrational fear of cyborgs to a coworker and she covered my Sentra with pictures of the Terminator and other metallic men. I didn’t see the borg on the side mirror until I was on the highway driving home. I almost ended up in the Potomac when I discovered it. (Sweet Jesus, I’m still a dork.)

Age 32. I’ll keep you posted.

*(Asterisk courtesy of Jordan Baker) Unacceptable birthday comments include, “Gee, you don’t smell a bit like Betty White!” and, “Are you 29 AGAIN?” and don’t forget about, “How did you used to celebrate birthdays without electricity?” or the ever-popular, “You shouldn’t take your osteoporosis pills with so much wine, should you?”

**Extra points will be awarded for any message involving crickets and/or a pun, cat humping, Shakespeare, haiku, New Jersey, your dog, Chardonnay, Democrats winning in VA, a movie involving a Jennifer Aniston we've never seen, the crisis of Christmas music starting right after Thanksgiving, or pizza.



Blogger Megarita said...

I'm trying desperately to come up with some Shakespeare that encompasses love in the feminine hygiene aisle, but I've got nothing. Perhaps you have surpassed even the bard himself with your love...or maybe this will do in a pinch: "I do love nothing in the world so well as you: is not that strange?"

Blogger Wicked H said...

Happy Birthday Mamma!!!

Wishing you happiness today and ALL days.

My dog Dexter send lots of sloppy kisses.

Blogger Reid said...

Hey, hey, happy birthday, Kris! Your birthday is two days before my dad's, but I'm sure you already knew that.

Blogger Marissa said...

May your glass always be completely FULL. Screw that half-full/half-empty shit.

Blogger Meg said...

Happy Birthday! I've nothing at all cute to say. Can't think of a damn thing. But happy birthday anyhow!

Blogger t2ed said...

We'll always know it's your birthday because the xmas muzak immediately starts at the mall right after Halloween now. When we hear an Andy Williams rendition of the 12 days of Xmas, we'll remember to buy you something.

I had forgot that the crap-buying season was starting early this year. Here's hoping you score some sweet natal day loot including but not limted to:

a) hermit crabs
b) Chia pet Homer
c) Sea Monkeys
d) anything crappy enough to be in the middle aisle of a major department store chain
e) Sports Illustrated football phone

I know. Crickets.

Anonymous erika said...

Happy birthday - k-dawg!

We'll always have our first night in baltimore together and hungover calls on sunday mornings.

love ya!

Blogger NewYorkMoments said...

Happy Birthday! And this is an exceptional post. (And I'm not just saying that because it's your birthday)

Blogger Anisa said...

have a great three-two
i love pizza-eating dems
go paint the town red!

there's a bday haiku for ya! :)

seriously, have a great one.

Anonymous robin said...

I never had an Irish Car Bomb but I'm curious. Have a great bday!

Blogger mysterygirl! said...

Happy birthday, Kris!
Glad you're against bigamy--
I'll fight for Dave Grohl.

(sorry, my birthday haiku skills are rusty. loved your birthday recaps-- hope today is fabulous!)

Anonymous Anonymous said...

happy birthday sweet kris! can you believe they are playing christmas music already in cincinnati!!

Blogger kimmay said...

that's my comment above. i don't know why it posted as anonymous and i'm not blog-savy enough to delete it.

Blogger The Megan said...

From one Jersey girl in DC to another, Happy Birthday darling!!

Blogger nabbalicious said...

First my boyfriend wins for governor, then, it's your birthday! Happy Birthday from Nabby, Rufus and me! Have yourself 8-10 slices of pizza in celebration. Then wash it down with a few drinks.

That HAS to be good for several hundred dozen bonus points.

Also, holy crap. You're 32 today? I think that means I might have been the oldest one there that night. I turned 32 on 9/20. SUCK.

Blogger Heather B. said...

Happy Birthday Kris!
Yay for Governor Kaine and this evening I'll be on the Jersey Turnpike.

(there, I hit two on your list. bonus points for me)

Blogger babyjewels said...

May four years not pass
Delicate flowers needs ass
Haiku shouldn't rhyme?

I'm banned from this blog, aren't I.


Blogger TinaPoPo said...

Drink a little vino
Play a little Keno
And after all of that
Try not to hump your cat.

Happy Birthday from the Poet Laureate of Bloggers, TinaPoPo.

Blogger DC Cookie said...

Mine is on Saturday, my Scorpio sister. There will be much wine disappearing this weekend...

Bonne Fete.

Blogger Mel said...


I can't believe I'm turning 25 this year. TWENTY FIVE. Oh my god, I'm getting old. SO old.


What? You say you're turning a quarter-century too? See, I knew we were twins separated at birth! I'm still waiting for our story to be showcased on Oprah.

Seriously, you rock. Hope your day is full of the things you love... wine and sex.

Blogger Kiki said...

Is it normal that I have had similar early sexual encounter stories? What is the world coming to?
Also, MY DOG, Romeo wants to wish you a happy birthday too!
Not very creative--but still--extra points.

P.S. I really like your new profile picture.

Anonymous whoorl said...

4 days after mine. I pity the fool who ain't a Scorpio.

Happy Birthday!

Oh sure NOW I find out you like Hockey!

Stupid Beau. Grrr..

Kris is not that old.
She's just got that lived in look.
Happy Birthday Kris!


Blogger Sizzle said...

in honor of your 32nd birthday, i will sing 'o holy night' from a balcony whilst my kittens engage in oral sex.

you are the awesomest! happy fucking birthday wino!!


Blogger erin said...

happy birthday girlie!!
in the south they have a saying about wine getting better with age, i would also say that it also applies to those that drink it--wino!!
hope that you have a great birthday filled with cat humping shakespeare in the park actors from new jersey being chased by my dog, leaving the bottle of chardonay on the picnic spread to go watch the movie De-Railed and on the way they heard jingle bell rock in early november and grabbing a slice on the way....


Tried my best, have a great birthday kid!


Anonymous Jorge said...

Happy Birthday, Kris!

I'm glad that the world saw it fit to host you for your life. It makes mine that much better.

I, too, had a casio keyboard. It was small, but functional. No wise-cracks please.

And now..
For the extra points...

Your Birthday Haiku
Crickets eat pizza
Drink Chardonnay in Enn Jay
And hump cats while buzzed

Find the pun, win a prize.


PS: One of the better memories from this year -> Meeting Mama.

Anonymous Neil said...

What is that -- Christmas music I hear? Already? It's not even Thanksgiving. What a crisis! (extra points!)

"Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
For Kris, the birthday lass,
She is getting older now,
But STILL has a great ass."

Blogger Kris said...

Everyone, your comments are MAGNIFICENT! And clearly have appeased the comment Jorge living inside me. That and the massive amount of pizza I just ate for lunch.

Neil, the last line of this reminds me that we CLEARLY have never met.

Blogger Lushy said...

Happy Birthday! I hope this is your best year yet!

Blogger Kathryn Is So Over said...

Am I the only person who read your post title and immediately knew you were 32 because 16 candles quote times two = 32?


Blogger Jodi said...

Happy 3rd anniversary of your 29th birthday.

I so loved 16 Candles. On a road trip from Boston to Orlando for Spring Break, my roommate and I quoted that movie. Every memorable line after the other.

"No more yankie my wankie."

Not many older
Time has been good to you, though
Older than the sun

Just joking...Happy Birthday, Kris. You kick ass.

Anonymous rcr said...

Happy Spirit Journey Formation Anniversary!

Deep within the womb of time,
a creature thus be born
The seed of life is united with
the egg of tyranny
Gestates forth from within the womb of life
for three-quarter and nigh a year
The creature thus be born!
The creature thus be formed!
And ye of years...
32 bells will chime!
When the heavens open up
and drink from the silver cup
The creature thus be born!
And blow the magic horn!
To alert the spirit deep within the cycle of life.
The creature has begun it's journey deep forlorn,
upon this day which he be formed
In the sea of mucus the spirit rides down from the mountain
and unites with the creature in the womb
A holy union, dark mortality, until the dark mortality
breaks the chain of life
The creature thus be born
And every year raineth down the celebratory tears
A celebration of the years
from mere mortal sky

Blogger Shawn said...

Only the Wino and I know the real reason for Christmas music starting in November. We talked about it over cold pizza and expensive merlot...the Wino doesn't do cheap even though he's a Jersey boy. I've tried once to bring a bottle of cheap Chardonnay to our weekly meeting, but he got so riled he screamed Haiku at me. "Chardonnay -
Not today - Take it away..." or something like that. I never made that mistake again.

As he stood up, I thought I heard a chirp.

"Was that a cricket?" I asked.

"Crickets...naw, that's me rickets," he replied, letting out a raspy laugh. The Wino loves wordplay that's for certain.

The screech of two cats humping split the air like a car alarm only louder. My dog, Bert, ran off in that direction, barking.

"God, that sure is an awful noise..." I said.

"Not as bad as the wailing of those bastard Republicans when they lost in Virginny though," replied the Wino.

"No argument on that one," I said. "That was something alright. Personally, it made me laugh harder than Jennifer Aniston trying to be serious in 'Til There Was You.'"

"Never saw it."

"Well, how about 'Along Came Polly'?"

"Never saw that one either..."

"Surely you've seen 'She's The One'?"

"Nope...but wasn't she one of them Friends?"


"Oh yeah, her...she was in that 'Camp Cucamonga' on TV."

Bert came trotting back and layed down at the Wino's feet. The Wino pet his head. Bert liked the Wino.

"Say, did you hear it's that Kris girl's birthday today?" asked the Wino.

"Yeah, I heard that..."

"Isn't she one of your buddies?"

"Yeah, I suppose so..."

"Whatcha gonna get her...she likes to get stuff I hear..."

"I thought I would just leave a weird story in her comments."

"That's a dumb idea...don't think much of that," said the Wino. "You should write a Haiku."

"Now who's got the dumb idea?"

"Awww...whadda you know?"

Blogger KlevaBich said...

Oh hell, I can't compete with the rest of you Brilliant Commenters... I'll just say Happy Birthday Kris, and many more! I'll drink many a toast in your honor.

Blogger JordanBaker said...

May your cats continue to find you young and hot enough to hump???

I got nothin'. Happy Na-Na!

Blogger bandick said...

Too late in the work day to come up with something clever. So, straight forward, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Much bloggy love from another 32er.

happy day!

Blogger Lulu said...

Happy Birthday! Now I am going to watch my neighbors cat hump my dog.

Blogger Calzone said...

Happy Birthday yo. Drunk women in their thirties with low self esteem is my niche.

You ever meet any when you are out boozin?

Blogger Marissa said...

As I sit here washing down slices of pizza with chardonnay, I couldn't help but take time out to wish you a HAPPY BIRTHDAY. Oh yeah, my childhood dog just called from heaven and barked, "Happy birthday to you!"


Blogger missbhavens said...

Happy 32nd Birthday! May you be able to lick cherry lollipops, smell like Love's Baby Soft, wear short skirts and tie bows in your hair without irony, and without looking like some fetishist pedophile's muse.

Blogger yournamehere said...

Happy birthday, and last year when I worked retail the Christmas music started on NOVEMBER 1ST!!!

Customers complained, but the corporate douchebags wouldn't turn it off. I am happy to report that they are no longer in business.

Anonymous sandra said...

It's Wino's birthday...
Cats: Drink wine, hump and give thanks!
Crickets: watch Derailed!

(what a crap birthday message - not to mention a hideous haiku...counting on "it's the thought that counts")

Pretty cool, though - you have the same birthday as my closest friend.

Blogger Danielle said...

On behalf of the state of New Jersey, I would like to wish you a rockin' birthday, even though you are far from home! Hope there is much celebrating being had, and perhaps even some Billy Joel on the Casio, that would rock. Cheers...

Blogger oregano said...

I am presently drinking a glass of Yellow Tail Chiraz. I lift my glass to salute you.

The older I get, the more I appreciate smaller feminine endowments. They don't sag so much ;-)

My your endowments be ever so pleasing!

Happy Birthday!

Blogger Brookelina said...

Kris from NJ is
celebrating a birthday
Pizza! Pizza! Yay!

Blogger Dave said...

Have had four rum and cokes tonight and at least the last two were in your honour. No Jag, though, so be not afraid.

Almost fifty people hae stopped by here before me, which is a testament to how much you are the shit.

I wish you sex, but not in a twin bed.
I wish you wine, but not in a board room.
I wish you vast knowledge of all the great lakes.

Counting up the birthday drinks I owe you until you get your butt to Ottawa,


Blogger Sub Girl said...

happy birthday kris! now go hump a cat.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Cat humping is the new pink.

I hope your birthday is cat humping-tastic!

Ps. I have decided I will celebrate my 30th birthday by peeing in ex’s Subaru. That sounds about the most satisfying thing in the world.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

This was such a great read.
Happy birthday, my fellow scorpiette.

Blogger MoDigli said...

Yo, I was born in Joisey, too! Gotta love New Joisey... ehhhh, fuggetta bout it, I'll just say Happy Birthday to you, Joisey girl! :)

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Be it not your birthday for I had not known
Now I must pretend to care, dear Joan
Thirty-two is really not that old
My grandmother’s fat has a fold
That is much older than you
So don’t be depressed and all that foo

So happy fucking birthday
I hope you get drunk, a present, and a lay
I’m really bad at poetry and all of this shit
I failed that class along with 20th century British lit

Can I stop now?

MKD (your comments weren't working)

Blogger Bill said...

Have a happy birthday. Better yet, have an excellent year. A spiffy year full of crappy pop music. (I'm glad I'm not alone in liking brainless pop - I still think ABC's Lexicon of Love is one of the greatest discs ever - really!) Have a bum slapping, giggling year full with unexpected sexual double entendres that make everyone pee.

You know, earlier today I was bitching to someone about how there was nothing worthwhile about November and then I read it's your birthday! So November is redeemed. I use to say the same thing about October (I'm not big on the Fall months) but then this woman I knew turned out to be an October child - another month redeemed! (There's nothing like a hand job to put a shine on month - but that's another story.)

Anyway ... hope the day was great. And remember, once you're cool there's no where to go but down. But if you're a dork? The sky's the limit!

Blogger lizzyjane said...

I am somewhat hungover and sleep deprived. The best I can offer is:

Blogger Amanda said...

happy birthday...and i am not really a birthday person either...but i remember certain ones for good and not so good reasons. odd.

Blogger LBseahag said...

I'm sorry I am late! Is there any cake left???

Happy Birthday to you, Mamalikey...
one year more wise, beautiful, and stong...

Anonymous Sanora said...

Happy belated birthday - 32 was a good year for me..I started therapy...

Blogger Bridget Jones said...

Happiest of belated birthdays. 32? Heavens you are a babe and a youngster (OMG can't believe I used that word).

You gonna have so much fun!!!


Anonymous Juan said...

Arrived here from missbhaving's blog...

First of, Happy Birthday!
And second, you ahve some very courious stories about your birthdays, I felt like reading a script for a movie!!!

Blogger Oh, that girl. said...

I was recently in New Jersey with my dogs, enjoying a glass of Chardonnay and reading shakespear, when a humping cat came up to me and reminded me of your birthday with the most beautiful haiku. I was so moved, I went to Virignia and voted for the democrats, but first had to call Jennfier to congratulate her on finishing her latest move "Friends: How it all Ends". We both agreed that all this friggin christmas music is giving us a head ache. I told her the best way to cure that headache is a nice slice of Pizza. Pizza with Crickets!

Post a Comment

<< Home