Opening Day (now with 66% more losing Presidents!)

Opening Day at the new Nationals ball park was - how you say? - COLD. It was fabulous, actually, the thrill of a lifetime, a cold, throbbing thrill of which only a few thousand of us non-season ticket holding bourgeoisie got to be a part. An experience that will forever remain imprinted on my brain and leave me at Kim's disposal, forced to ask people embarrassing questions at bars while she points and laughs, given that she granted me the golden ticket.

It'll be worth every emotional penny.

The day started with a hangover for Kim (see exhibit A) and an overzealous and completely not hungover Kris, who of course had planned for days that she would take tissues in her purse and that her camera battery would be fully charged and which Metro lines at what times put her in strategic on-time placement for the BEST. DAY. EVER.


Hungover Kim (again refer to Exhibit A) was not pleased by Kris' excessive use of exclamations and decibels, leaving Kris in a position to drink too much prior to game time and take multiple "before" photos in the bar bathroom before being caught by a sober female
patron. The "Does this darn thing work?" doesn't hold water after a few drinks, especially when you're caught posing in the mirror with said camera.

DC, we finally have a real ball park. She's beautiful, and I was like a real woman at a baby shower. Look at the little Ws on the gate!


And the Nats colors in the women's bathroom!


The President of these United States threw out the first ball, which was met with a ridiculous number of boos. Not normal boos, like Michael Richards just made racist remarks boos, but mega throwdown boos, like Bush had just kicked a puppy being held by the Pope sitting on the lap of a disabled veteran. Hometown grad made good Denyce Graves sang the national anthem, and I would have been crying if it hadn't eaten my weight in what I will claim was low-sodium ketchup.


Seriously? Nationals Park is full of delicious goodness, like bottom of the ninth game-winning home runs I read about and all that, but the excessive use of puns? Behold the awesomeness:

and the raw gorgeousness of . . .

. . . and the - dare I say - titillating?

Moving on.

There were amazing highlights to the night, with the exception of the fact that the park is kid friendly and smoking unfriendly,


not to mention that ONE OF THE COWARDLY BRAVES CLEARLY SENT TEDDY THROUGH CENTER FIELD RATHER THAN DOWN THE BASELINE, DADGUMIT:


Highlights like the fact that our team actually looks cute in this year's mug shots! And that hypothermia doesn't reach the breasts for at least one hour and twelve minutes!

And that the only open seats in the entire park were right next to us!



And oh, the luscious scoreboard, on which my personal history of scores will be broadcast to the crowd and all my ex-boyfriends in attendance on my 80th birthday . . .

And that gorgeous field, complete with gorgeous men at least 10 years my junior wearing gorgeous lycra-infused pants . . .

And a backyard view that says, "World? We're Washington, DC. No, we can't make a decent bagel any better than we can make our votes count, but we're the center of the international universe! AND AT LEAST WE'RE NOT NEW JERSEY!"

Well, we'll always have the senator's sausage.