May 2, 2006
Reason #714 why I am not a nice person
Sweet Jesus. I know you recognize how hard I have been working on self improvement, but I also know you’re familiar with how I feel about the babies. I don’t see myself in Russia adopting them; I only like them when they refrain from hanging from my massive chin; I hate it when Ann Geddes poses the offspring as if they are simply God’s pleasure interwoven with faux plant tendrils and Celine Dion’s Canadian mitts.

But there is a new strain of baby I have only recently discovered: those who in infancy present as cuteness personified but who already show demonstrable signs of adult ugliness.

That’s right. I mean cute babies who will translate into unsightly grown ups. Appealing infants one day transforming into repugnant coworkers.

I’ll wait on your crickets.

I saw one in Target today that was just such a creature. It’s caretaker oooh’ed and aaah’ed and made several faces that involved spittle, drawing out some survival cooing from the infant and more reciprocal spittle. H/sh/it was cute enough; it had many symmetrical parts and appeared in repeated observations to have all cognitive faculties intact.

But then it looked me dead in the eyes at the checkout and I saw it for what it would be: a 35-year-old middle manager with a penchant for both Cracker Barrel and elasticized waistbands. This was undoubtedly a little one who will grow up to drive the Tercels of Jetson vehicles and fulfill his destiny as the tighty whitey boy of the hockey locker room. The guy who will have his first college sex by night light (no offense) and will consider 7-11’s Vienna Sausages a legitimate food group.

I apologize in pseudo-advance. And I hope you’ll find some comfort in the fact that I didn’t say anything to the mom.

In other news, this is why God and Oprah still bless me with adult acne.

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50 Comments:

Blogger JordanBaker said...

This is awesome. I think it's pretty much a lock that unnaturally cute babies almost universally grow up into horribly ugly people. Especially if they spent their babyhoods being dressed up like sausages, or whatever Anne Geddes does to them.

Blogger Diet Coke of Evil said...

I have never thought about babies that way! What I do do, sometimes, is look at strangers and make up their life, so I suppose this is just a more creative version.

Sometimes babies look just like small grown ups, and that is totally freaky.

Blogger I-66 said...

7-11 has vienna sausages?

Blogger Miss Scarlet said...

What does one do when they HAVE one of these babies? (Not me, no babies here.) Can you trade them in for better models?

Blogger Slade said...

I kinda think of this too, only in reverse: all the meany criminals out there were once cute little babies who were loved and cuddled by someone...well maybe not all of them, but some of them were!

Blogger J said...

Also not a big fan of the Anne Geddes pictures. They just look stupid and weird to me. And the ratio of babies that I think are truly cute is probably 3/10, which is higher than for many people, I know, but SO many people act like every friggin' baby on earth is a miricle and so beautiful, blah blah blah. Play along, but hope that if you have a child, you get a cute one. ;) (Of course, I did...I'm sure everyone says that...and if I hadn't, maybe I would have turned her in for a cuter one...)

Blogger liberalbanana said...

Maybe these parents have to resign themselves to the "he's so cute he's ugly" camp. I feel like way about this English Bulldog at the animal shelter where I volunteer. I guess you just have to love them anyway. Put a cute hat on the kid and call it a day.

Blogger ❉ pixie ❉ said...

I didn't realize Oprah had those kind of powers.

Blogger Finn said...

I think I know that kid...

Or maybe I was that kid...

Anonymous Jorge said...

H/SH/IT is the new mofo.
I love it.

I know of what you speak, sadly.
And it scares me to death.

When I have kids I will be very careful not to look them in the eye in to avoid the possibilities of a Freedom 55 commercial gone wrong playing in my easily-distracted mind.

Blogger Cheryl said...

Been there. One time, I saw a little girl and just shuddered and looked away. So, I guess I'll be going to hell with you.

Blogger Nat said...

Oh my God...is this the same thing as when I talk about how ugly a kid is and then think "I'm going to have the ugliest kids because there is no way in hell they're going to be cute after that comment."

I'm with ya, this is a whole world of revelation that one hasn't really considered. Cute babies born into mediocracy. At best.

Blogger Wicked H said...

Do you have this same talent with adults? Because I really want to know how much money I need to put aside for face lifts, botox, etc. If I need to submit a photo, please let me know.

Blogger Guinness_Girl said...

Omigod, hilarious! I snorted Diet Coke out my nose reading this. Should I be disturbed that I love Cracker Barrels? ;)

Blogger missbhavens said...

Oh, I agree. I have this problem at work when I forcast the kids lifetime exisitence at the bedside (in my head, of course) in the first 5 minutes it's alive.

"Welterweight boxing champ, doomed to heroin addiction and a bad case of herpes"

"Eighth-grade science teacher who dresses Goth on weekends"

"Tastee-Freeze. Forever"

"That girl in high school who is like every girl on that horrifying Super Sweet 16 show. Evil, evil bitch queen from hell"

And Anne Geddes? My dorm room in hell will probably be plaster with those creepy "Sleeping-Baby-in-a-head-of-lettuce" posters. So. Heinous.

Blogger Sizzle said...

i like how h/sh/it kinda spells out shit.

and is that why i also am blessed with adult acne. another reason to hate oprah.

:) sizz

Anonymous Jacynth said...

I went to a baby shower on Saturday and was plagued with the same sort of h/sh/it. This one played shy then took a flying leap into my lap and drooled on my expensive dress. I took h/sh/it as growing up to be a homeless person that at first asks you for money politely and when you refuse, starts yelling "I want to fry your eye balls" and spitting on you whilst flailing their arms. It wasn't pretty.

Blogger Mister Underhill said...

I want a tercel of the jetson's era. For that matter, where's my rocket pack?

I have seen a lot of ugly babies - the skim of cuteness is easy for me to see through, and I think it is designed to ensare women mostly, anyhow....

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Blogger Shawn said...

Am I the only one who sometimes wants to spray those Anne Geddes baby plants with a good dose of Roundup? Did I just say that out loud?

Lately, I've found myself sucked into that new show - something like 'Honey we're fucking up the kids...' I find it hard to believe that the whack jobs that pass as parents don't realize that their 10 year old weighing in at 120 pounds aint that great.

"Oh that silly willy little Chester just loves his Ding Dongs. I can't do a thing about it..."

Gaaaaaahhh...sorry, I think I just lost it.

Blogger Jess Riley said...

"I saw it for what it would be: a 35-year-old middle manager with a penchant for both Cracker Barrel and elasticized waistbands." *snicker*

Kris, I like your style. And I'm with you on the objective eye for babies. Some are enough to almost make me pass out from the cuteness. Others? Make me shudder just a little. (Now that I've said that I'll probably end up having a hideous baby. Karma and all.)

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

This makes my womb ache to be filled.

Blogger Bridget Jones said...

ROFL oh you're the master I mean mistress oh hell you know what I mean kris!!!!

Blogger femme d'espoir said...

Oh, how MANY times have i mentioned how i detest those geddes goo goo getups only to have jaws drop in shock and be called anti-babies. hmmph.

love your writing. thanks for the laugh.

Ok, you may just be the east coast representation of me. I am often shamed into silence for making EXACTLY the same comments. I truly think I have the psychic ability to look at a child of, say 14 months, and know exactly what their profession will be later in life.

But really how do you tell the mother that their daughter is going to grow up to be common street trash? Somethings are better kept to oneself. :)

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Blogger Biscuit said...

I had no idea Oprah was to blame for my adult acne! Why is that again???

Blogger Darbs said...

Children are kinda ify...that's why I'm not totally convinced that I will have any of my own...LOL!

And I'm with JY: why is Oprah to blame for adult acne? Do tell...

Anonymous jurgen nation said...

Kris, this is just reason #134652121 why I love you. I just peed a little bit.

Blogger Bill said...

Now I'm convinced I look like a Greek god. When I was small my face looked like a chimpanzee's behind.

Age has made me a stunning image of masculine attractiveness. Now, if I could just get my genitals to work ...

Blogger twobuyfour said...

I have frequently wondered about the eventual fates of my two offspring. Next time I'm in DC I'll bring my kids around for a fortune telling / face reading. I have some hunches of my own, but I'm biased, and you seem to have an innate ability. Come to think of it, where were you 30 years ago? I could have used that kind of life forcasting myself!

Blogger hanmee said...

Is that why I'm uglY?

Blogger afromabq said...

only my niece and nephew are the most gorgeous children on the planet....everyone else's kids border on the ugly side. (yes, i have adult acne!!)

There is simply nothing sadder than a cute baby hitting their peak at 10 months along...it's all uphill from there. I thought everyone had adult acne every once in awhile? Is that just what people tell me so I won't feel like a freak?

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Blogger yournamehere said...

You aren't a very nice person...now I'm totally in love with you!

Also, I think the comment above mine is trying to hypnotise people.

Blogger Anita said...

I applaud your sense of desperation about humanity, but it isn't quite deep enough. You forgot to mention that that middle manager will in turn find a woman who is so pathetic she will love him and they will then spawn more ugly little shitters. Which in turn,...well, you know.

Otherwise, you're a hilarious bitch! I'm sure your mom tells you that all the time, though. =)

Blogger Chantel said...

I was that kid. My mom always made sure to put in the back of the family photo hoping that my hair, her hair or someones hair would cover my face.

I don't like children either and I have two. Imagine their surprise when I told them. I think that's why they think I'm cool because I always complain about "other peoples children".

Anonymous sandra said...

Wait...so Oprah can do that sort of thing? Well, of course she can! Hmm. Perhaps if I was nicer, Oprah would make my thighs smaller?

Blogger mysterygirl! said...

That's so funny. It's kind of amazing but true that some babies already have identifiably annoying features. That all babies are cute is a myth that we must perpetuate no more! No more, I say!

Blogger Complacent Chase said...

ha ha You crack me up.

Blogger Egan said...

Remind me to never piss you off. Is there anything wrong with tighty whities? I have switched to boxer briefs after blog readers of mine scrutinized me for my love of tighties.

Blogger audrey said...

I have to say, I normally hate Vice magazine but this is an hilarious comparison between different babies.

And I agree. Seeing ugly babies can sometimes be more shocking than seeing really serious car accidents. My friend has an entire wall covered in antique photographs of them.

Ugly babies I mean.

Not serious car accidents.

Blogger lost-edge said...

that's what you get at target. actually any of those box stores. ugly babies all over the damn place.

Blogger NARDAC said...

Oh damn you all! I was an ugly baby. I suppose now I'll have to go on a gun shooting spree and pack up my beer belly just to fit into the status quo. Damn you! Ugly babies have feelings too.

Blogger zeldafitz said...

The bliss of parenthood is ignorance. On all levels, especially how cute/non cute your spawn is. It's one of the ways the universe is kind.

And remember, kids, babies, etc.--they're all just little people waiting to grow up into big insufferable people. (With some obvious exceptions, of course).

Blogger Cheetarah1980 said...

i must've been one ugly baby, cause i sure am gorgeous now.

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