Lost in the vicinity of 8th Street, SE, when owner discovered 7-11 fountain soda machine to be out of order. Last seen wearing cheap foundation of questionable winter tone and thinning blonde hair owner should probably condition with something other than mayo. Mouth likely to be spouting self-deprecating complaints about being a bad friend and blogger, a sloth that can’t lose her summer weight, and dateless for New Year’s Eve. If found, do not approach; lure to police/firemen with promise of red Coach bag and a “winter coat that effing fits my fat ass.” Serious replies only, please. 750 ml. reward.
December 18, 2007